Jun
18

Being Authentic Means Respecting Yourself (Relationship tips)

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This post is mainly written for people that might be in a dysfunctional relationship, but it can also be inspiring for basically everyone, because we all have relationships and the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.

A dysfunctional relationship to me is when we allow others to dis-respect us, when we’re around people that’s not supportive but actually abusive – whether it’s in a physical way or emotional and verbal way.

This article is an invitation for you to take your power back; saying to yourself “I’m not going to accept this any longer!”

Step out of the game of always being so nice and “I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings”-box, and instead empower yourself by stepping into your own authentic self.

Let other people take responsibility for their own feelings and reactions.

Until you do, you will only internalize it and making yourself ill.

You will probably continue play the nice-person-role and take other peoples opinions to be more important than your own, and by that you’re only being loyal to others but not yourself.

We don’t have to take the abuse just because it’s family for example.

If you think that; then I invite you to take a closer look at your own definition of family and see how or if it even fits into how reality is.

Oftentimes we live in a bubble of idealism that is not even true, and then when a day comes when you need your so called family, they will not be there. (Because they never were to begin with, if only you had seen it for what it was).

By being disloyal to ourselves, we are in truth rejecting aspects of ourselves, we are not fully accepting ourselves, that’s why many people are such people-pleasers and that is what’s being mirrored back to us as well.

They (people in your life) might be there to annoy you and provoke just so that you can learn how to stand your ground and step into your truth.

Or they might not, that’s for each person to investigate into themselves.

For example:

  • If they can voice their beliefs and thoughts but you can’t then why be in a relationship like that?
  • If they can speak about their lives and interests but you can’t and they basically tell you that they are not interested in hearing about it (about your spiritual interests for example) and thinks your thoughts are stupid, then that should not be OK!

People can have different views, that’s what makes life interesting and that part is obviously OK, but close-mindedness is not leading to a great relationship, where only one of two persons can be who they are.

There’s a freedom in walking away from that.

It’s not healthy to stay in a relationship where you need to pretend being someone else, and that’s not authentic.

Letting them know that and venting your thoughts to them in a sincere and open way but feeling you’re being belittled and that they are not open to hear you, then what’s the point?

We have got to be true to ourselves.

People might at first accuse you for being selfish, unforgiving and so on, but that’s how they chose to handle it, by projecting blame unto you and at first you may feel guilty, but that’s just the old self talking, the self who was concerned about always being liked by others.

What you’re doing in reality is that your cutting the cords to abuse, and to do that; you need to be “selfish”.

.. Or you can continue letting them be selfish and dance to their song instead of your own.

Their opposition to your change is an expression of their disapproval that you’re not going to succumb to their selfish needs (of having you being in a certain way that pleases them). Think about that.

 

If you can’t be who you are, then you’re living your life according to other peoples expectations and you’re turning your back on God. That’s how I see it. You are who you are because God made you that way, and you should be able to express yourself fully.

It’s a bout loving and respecting yourself and not put up with that crap anymore.

If they were physically abusing you, wouldn’t you walk away? Or at least justify that as a valid reason to walk away?

What’s the difference between physical abuse, and emotional and verbal abuse? There is no difference.

Constant criticism can be a devastating and damaging as a punch in the face every weekend by your drunk spouse.

Why would you want that in your life?

It can’t be justified just because you’re family or married, or because it’s your boss, or parent, or if it’s “only sometimes, but most of the times he’s really sweet”. Those are all lame excuses to put up with abuse! Realize that before it’s too late.

This is it. This is your life. This is your moment in time. THIS IS IT.

How do you want to spend it?

See how many excuses there is available in the egoic mind that can easily fit into every persons life that are in a dysfunctional relationship?

There’s always a way to justify abuse for the ego.

Look at the patterns of your relationships closely and with clarity:

  • If people in your life are not open to hear about your interest and passions, and are being almost defensive and rude when you’re trying to share, tell them that.
  • If they don’t want to hear about your passions and you can’t relate to their talk about shallow things such as what they saw on the news yesterday or about the new fridge they bought and how much it cost them etc, then what’s the point in staying in that kind of relationship? 
  • If that’s all they are willing to share with you, then why stay?

It would be perfectly fine if both sides could share their stuff without being shushed down, but if that’s not the case…. different opinions are great, it’s not about that, it’s about showing respect to the people involved having them, and that includes you. 

You deserve something better!

Fall back in love with who you really are, take that step towards authentic living. We can’t be free until we can be who we are – stand your ground, accept yourself for who you are, unconditionally.

 

By not being able to fully express ourselves is to reject and hide parts of ourselves just to make others feel comfortable around us.

The price you pay for that is that you start to feel uncomfortable in your own skin and around others and instead of being able to express yourself fully, you begin to internalize it and thus hurting yourself.

When energy is not fully expressed it will turn ugly and eat you up from the inside, it will weaken you and hold you back and ultimately you will make yourself sick.

The rejection keeps you away from your true self, and only by accepting yourself fully can transformation happen.

You cause problems for yourself by buying into other peoples dis-functionality and close-minded-ness – you make it OK by accepting it.

Right now; if your asking yourself “should I leave this relationship?”, then that’s a vital clue and invitation to look closely at that particular relationship, because why would you even ask that if everything was alright between the two of you?

That’s your sign right there.

Stop lying to yourself, and stop being disloyal to yourself!

If they don’t allow you to talk about whatever it is that you want to talk about and perhaps are even mocking you when you talk about what your interests are, then they are basically not allowing you to be who you are.

And by looking closely at that it reveals that You are the main cause to your own discomfort in that relationship, because You are the one who’s allowing yourself to be treated that way.

Are you enjoying yourself, are you having fun together?

Do you laugh a lot, or are most things very serious and rigid, and what do you think would happen if you introduced more goofiness and silliness into the relationship? More play and fun. Just imagine for a second how that would be received by the other person.

Do you think you would be looked down on as being childish and stupid, or are they open to laugh and have fun along with you?

Look at things like that – are there any restrictions in your relationship, and are you going to continue putting up with that?

Are the people you’re with inspiring and fun to be with? Are they kind and supportive?

If not, why is that OK with you..?

Question that. Why is it OK to be abused?

I’m saying this to provoke you – and I know that if you’re a person that are in an abusive relationship and I say “why is that OK with you”, you will defend yourself by saying “it’s not OK”, and I again turn that question to you, because you need to look at that very closely.

We (or the mind) always do what we do because we want to avoid pain and gain pleasure and happiness.

  • What is it in your (abusive) relationship that is rewarding/what do you get out of it?
  • What pain are you avoiding that is larger than the pain you’re already experiencing..?

 

Maybe you stay because you’re provided for financially (=your gain) and are afraid to leave because you might become homeless and loose everything (=your imagined pain that is larger than the pain you’re already experiencing).

Look at how you’re keeping yourself stuck and how you need to take a step outside of the box into the unknown.

That’s where the hero’s/heroin’s journey begins: by taking the (oftentimes scary) step into the unknown – and that can only happen by being true to yourself.

The bottom-line is: is the relationship respectful, and are you treating yourself with respect?

It’s all about respect and being loyal to yourself, and it’s also about forgiveness; about forgiving the abusers while waving good bye to them (you really don’t need that kind of energy in your life), but also about forgiving yourself and your past choices.

The truth of who you really are will meet you in delight of your insights and make ways and means for you to move on with your life in a more authentic and free way.

Reflect, Embrace Wisdom, Let Go of Pain – and Move On:

http://mariaerving.com/reflect-and-let-go/

Here’s a few older posts that might be inspiring:

http://mariaerving.com/are-you-being-true-to-yourself/

http://mariaerving.com/remove-yourself-from-negative-energy/

http://mariaerving.com/communicate-effectively/

http://mariaerving.com/how-to-handle-resistance-from-the-world-when-you-want-to-grow-and-become-more-your-true-self-part-7/

 

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Comments

  1. Dawn says:

    Thank you for this Maria. A horrible and tragic event happened to a family member that I have been struggling with for almost two weeks. This article really helps clarify things for me.
    You are a blessing 🙂

  2. Maria Erving says:

    You’re very welcome Dawn, glad it helped you in some way.

    Thank you for saying that 🙂

  3. Zerah says:

    I’m really blessed reading your article Maria.Thank you so much!.I kept looking for any article or a person that can awake me up from my abusive relationship to this man.I got a lot of points that can help me out of this situation. It’s really hard to leave him because i used to live my life with him but after reading your article,i realized that my life is never been so happy most of the time since i hang out with him.I thought i could be very happy..but now,tears are greater than my happiness in this world.
    I hope i can be a strong woman to face this and praying that I can leave this life and start the right life again.
    God bless you more in your ministry.
    Thank you!

  4. Maria Erving says:

    I’m really glad to hear that my article touched you and inspired you to make some new choices Zerah. Do feel free to let me know how everything goes.

    A few of my older posts came to mind that can be helpful too:

    http://mariaerving.com/what-do-you-want-in-a-partner/ (Although I’m not personally into the attracting-stuff anymore, I believe this article can help you clarify what’s important to you when it comes to relationships).

    http://mariaerving.com/why-putting-our-values-in-hierarchy-is-important/ (This too can help clarify what’s important to you)

    Its’ really about knowing what’s important to oneself and then stay true to that.

    These came to mind:

    http://mariaerving.com/trust-your-vibes/

    http://mariaerving.com/stop-dwelling-and-move-on/

    http://mariaerving.com/how-to-handle-resistance-from-the-world-when-you-want-to-grow-and-become-more-your-true-self-part-7/ (Links to all 7 parts)

    Much Love to you,

    Maria

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Daily Quote: "Pay attention to how the universe speaks to you today and participate in the flow by taking action on your inclinations." - Maria Erving