Jun
04

The ego is afraid of feelings (their own and other’s)

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The ego is afraid of feelings and can’t handle them if they are too deep, honest or raw.

Depth is just too much for it to take and it feels most comfortable with the shallow and superficial.

When a person is afraid to really connect with another, or if they are pretending that all is well when it’s not, or if they avoid their feelings by indulging in some kind of addiction, here’s a few responses you might get when you speak your mind and stir up the comfortable status quo of the ego:

The person gets defensive and if you are not intimidated by this and push the conversation further, the next thing the ego does is that it lashes out by personal attacks.

“You’re oversensitive”, “you think too much”, or they make fun of you or go after you somehow by trying to make you feel stupid, uncomfortable or intimidated.

The ego wants a strong reaction from you so don’t give it to them, it only fuels the conversation you’re trying to have into the wrong direction. 

The ego hates conflict (and being confronted), but it also loves it (it thrives in war).

When moving beyond surface conversations into more intimacy and closeness in a relationship we undoubtedly come to see that we have different points of views and opinions about some things in life.

This is not a bad thing at all, but for the person who’s been domesticated by the ego to think like everybody else this is a huge threat.

For a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to both say what they think and feel without the need to go into conflict.

If people are not able to hash out their differences openly and vocally, then the relationship is based on manipulation and misrepresentation, and it will slowly become toxic.

The ego wants you to stay the same.

It doesn’t like change, and if you change (and grow), that’s another threat for the ego.

And if a person doesn’t have a sense of individuality and confidence, they start to cater to the ego, tampering and downplaying who they are in order to appeal to the ego’s around them.

They become a people-pleasers in order to be liked and to fit in. 

And then all we have is a socialized group of people who have been whipped into playing roles and playing out the patterns that are expected of them.

A group of people where each member is catering to and accommodating to the egos’ of the other group members. 

God forbid if someone expresses a deep and honest feeling, that would threaten to crash the whole construct of their world.

No rocking the boat allowed in the world of the ego!

How it can look: 

  • People walking on eggshells for each other, doing everything they can to not upset the other (spouse, friend, child, etc).
  • Parents being afraid of being parents because they want their children to ‘like’ them instead of respecting them.
  • Marriages being based on one person being the authority and ‘voice’ of the family/marriage and where their spouse is tiptoeing around that person.
  • Relationships being toxic because there’s no depth or validation of one another.
  • Group settings where stimulating discussions are threatening because opinions are taken personally.

And so on. 

All this because the ego is afraid of feelings.

There’s many ways in which this shows:

Avoidance: “I don’t want talk about it right now, we’ll talk about it later”, which usually never happens.

Hiding: “No, I’m fine”, “it’s nothing”, sometimes accompanied with a fake smile.

Projection:You’re wrong! You should ___”, “it’s you who are ___, not me!”.

This is one of the favorite things the ego does;

It projects its own thoughts or emotions onto others, or they try to make the other person feel dysfunctional/stupid/embarrassed etc. 

The thing about the ego is that if a person has a strong ego, they are not aware of this because their identification to it is so strong, so sometimes they don’t see that the thoughts and emotions are their own (and not the persons’ they are attacking).

And when you point out their actions all they can respond with is by pointing the finger at you (= projecting their own insecurities and faults onto you).

Sometimes they do know that however, and then you’re dealing with a conscious manipulator and even worse, a psychopath.

But in any case, what you’re dealing with is a person who can’t deal with, or handle, emotions and feelings in a mature way. 

The ego is emotionally immature.

Today I want to invite you to look honestly at your relationships and challenge yourself by being brutally honest with yourself. 

Do you have an unsatisfying relationship with someone?

  • Is someone in you life that is draining you?
  • Is their presence in your life making you feel lesser or smaller than you are?
  • Is there a person in your life that’s defensive and argumentative when you try to connect deeper with them by sharing your thoughts and feelings with them?

Now the most revealing question of them all:

Why do you have them in your life?

Really think about this (even if it’s challenging or maybe even embarrassing) and be completely honest with yourself.

Why are they in your life?

Why do you keep them around, why do you spend time with them?

If there’s not much substance to the relationship, why are you involved with them? 

Look at your values.

What is important for you in a relationship?

Most people want to be seen and heard.

Accepted for who they are. 

Are you?

Do you feel respected, accepted and validated in your relationships? 

Or are you adapting too much to fit into insecure people’s egos who feel uncomfortable because you’re expressing yourself in ways that they don’t approve of? 

Are you being “too emotional” or “thinking too much” according to them, where in reality there’s simply a depth to who you are, to your true being? 

Maybe it’s time to stop accommodating to other peoples insecurity, what do you say?

It doesn’t have to be dramatic, but for anyone who values a deep connection with other human beings, being shallow and superficial is just draining, unsatisfying, and increasingly painful the more you grow into a fuller expression of yourself.

Talk to the other person if you feel there’s a chance they will listen, but if you have done that before and they haven’t grown or become more open, then the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to let them go.

But if you want to try to talk with them one last time, then brutal honesty would be the way to go.

No tiptoeing.

Being honest with someone is the most respectful thing you can do.

All you are doing is giving your opinion or telling them what is happening without trying to hide your true feelings or sheltering or stroking their egos.

If you feel the need to talk it out and you’re afraid that you will hurt their feelings it will only hurt them (and the relationship) more in the long run to hide your true feelings from them.

It will hurt you more too to not speak up if the need is there because the truth is, that every time you tell someone a lie (pretending is a type of lie), you are telling yourself that they are more important than you.

When people are pretending, or hiding and avoiding their feelings and truth, one day it will all explode and come out anyway (or be projected inwards and poison your mind and heart), so why not address it right now?

Make a choice that will honor your soul.  

If you’re done talking, then fading them out is better and healthier for all involved.

Just letting them go basically, releasing them from your life by not visiting or calling them again/as often, not investing further in the relationship, and simply disconnecting yourself from them.

When the point comes when we realize that it’s too painful to stay it becomes obvious to leave, but for that to happen there has to be honesty, and you have to decide to move on, and you can do it without any drama.

Some people we might want to, or have to, continue having in our lives to some extent, and if so, those relationships can remain shallow and “okay”, or “fine”, without us investing anything in them anymore, knowing that they will never become “great”.  

If you can’t feel validated as a unique thinking and feeling individual with the people you surround yourself with, then the healthiest thing you can do is to accept it and allow yourself to have outgrown them and move on with your life.

Allow yourself to have emotionally mature relationships where expressing feelings and thoughts are a natural part of being a human being and not to be played with, argued about, or leaving you feel disrespected. 

What truth needs to be spoken or realized in your life today when it comes to relationships?

Feel deeply and honestly about this and make a choice that will enhance the experience you have about life.

Your soul will thank you as you honor it and let it be fully expressed through your own unique personality and way of being on this earth.

Think freely and feel deeply, and choose your own happiness and freedom. 

More articles about feelings and emotions can be found here:

#Feelings

#Emotions

Be true to yourself and express who you are.

Be true to yourself and express who you are.

Spiritual Teacher Maria Erving

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