Falling Back Into Duality (Spiritual Awakening Process)

Flowing Back and Forth Between Ego Consciousness and Spirit

It’s common to after a spiritual opening of some sort at times feel stuck in the middle of Truth and illusion, and be flowing back and forth between the old and the new. 

When we have experienced an opening or even spiritual awakening, and we know – in the deepest meaning – the false self to be a product of the conditioned mind and nothing more, we’re still reverting back to it time and time again.

Oftentimes when we think we have figured it all out and we feel a sigh of relief, believing we have arrived to a safe and firm plateau in our evolution; then swooosh, we’re dragged back again!

After some awareness has occurred and we have had some glimpse of Reality as it really is, the reverting back happens with us kicking and screaming, resisting it with all our might, spiritually speaking.

And to be drawn back, or revert to the old, time and time again can be a very difficult process to go through, but so much easier when we have some awareness around what’s going on.

This is something I know many people are experiencing and the ego can be very deceiving and manipulative in it’s ways of projecting doubt and even blame onto ourselves.

Many think they are doing something wrong, or that they are not doing it right (whatever spiritual practice they do), so I wanted to shed some light into what’s going on.

The ego is a fiction created in the mind, and by the mind.

Thoughts and beliefs about who see ourselves to be are far from the Truth, they are merely ideas of who we think we are, conceptualized versions of who and what we imagine ourselves to be, and most people believe their minds, or the image that they have of themselves.

That’s why being on the spiritual path includes times of such fierce purging of the old that it almost becomes unbearable.

The ego will not give up easily!! It knows it’s the death of it, and who wouldn’t resisting their own death, right?

It will keep re-creating itself (the mind is re-creating and building the images up again and again) and Life itself (or “God”) will tear it down, purge and purify you from the false, and this is when we feel tossed back and forth between the old and the new, between ego and spirit.

This process can be fierce at times, and create huge mental, emotional agony and turmoil.

In this process we will keep going from one belief system to another until one day we realize that all beliefs and thoughts are false.

Nothing of the mind is true, beliefs are nothing but ideas and opinions and they are fleeting, they change all the time, but the problem is that we (as humans) take them to be true, and that creates a conflict with What Is.

There’s always a conflict; the belief that life shouldn’t be as it is, or should have been different or should look better tomorrow, and it’s all mind-made lies!

Life is as it is, and it doesn’t matter what opinions or wishes we have, it will never bend itself to meet our expectations.

Spiritual surrender happens when we have come to the point where we’re on our knees, totally accepting that we don’t really know anything – when we finally understand that Truth is way beyond our thoughts and beliefs and that there is no way we can figure out any of it.

Everything we thought about life and ourselves will need to be stripped off and everything that we are not will be going through a demolition process called the ego death.The false will die.

When this is happening we will be flowing in and out of alignment for a number of reasons, but the main reason is that the ego doesn’t like to not know, and that is required to continue on the path to liberation; the willingness to enter the not-knowingness wholeheartedly.

That’s where the conflict occurs, between the egos need to control, and the need to let go of control altogether.

We have to realize that we don’t know anything about anything, and surrender to life that really is in control, and always have been.

The only thing in the way of the flow has been ourselves, or the person we have been taught to believe we are.

The ego will panic, it will do all it can to take the control back, it will deceive us into thinking that if we just re-arrange our thought-system we will feel better, if we just change our beliefs into something else we will feel better, but that is all a deceptive play of the mind.

No matter how much we try to control or mind, focus our thoughts and all that, all it does is that it keeps the mind busy, thus keeping us away from the present moment.

The mind will always be in opposition to ‘what is’.

All these attempts to control will eventually end up in some kind of failure (not that there are any real failures in life, but you know what I mean), and the seeking of solutions continue until true surrender occurs and that oftentimes happens when we feel utter defeat and we can’t take it anymore.

When we’re spiritually on our knees waiving the white flag of surrender, absolutely exhausted by our own attempts to make life into what we want it to be. 

What happens when true surrender occurs is not what most people expect or think.

For me, when my authentic surrender happened, I expected deep, indescribable sadness and all kinds of negative things; I literally thought I would just have to crawl back to mediocrity and that I would never be able to enjoy life.

But what happened was nothing like that at all.

I felt liberation, such relief and love and.. I can’t even describe it.

Liberation from the mind, from illusion

All spiritual paths are pointing to the same truth and that is surrender, but no matter how much we conceptually know that – we will still keep taking the control back, time and time again.

Until we stop. One day the letting go of control and taking it back just have to stop.

I have done this myself numerous times in my own life, until the day came when I declared DEFEAT.

That’s when life really begins to take form, and it can take a whole other direction than we could ever had imagined.

But before that happens, we will be drawn back to duality, even if we know that we are One with Life itself.

We know, because we have tasted it. We know, because we have experienced it, we have seen it, we have lived it.

But still, back to duality at times. (Reverting back living from the “I” that is separated from the whole, from Oneness).

And I can’t think of anything more annoying (and painful) than to really know truth, but still the mind takes back control at times, especially at times when we’re standing and being in the brightest light of our own being-ness.

That’s when the resistance from the ego will really kick in.

The ego will make you think there’s problems. It will make you worry, become fearful, feel resentment because your hopes and dreams have not come true yet and so on.

There will be depression, utter sadness, hopelessness.

When we’re not pouting like children (spiritually speaking), feeling victimized and unfairly treated by life, there’s some serious tears to be cried of the worst sort of ugly-cry we can imagine. Believe; I have done it all myself.

It’s not for the faint-hearted to ever embark on the spiritual path, let me tell you that!

If you’re not willing to die for Truth (go through ego death that is) then turn around and run the other direction.

The ego knows exactly where to hook you emotionally, and it knows your deepest fears and worries, and WILL trigger them – believe me.

When temptation doesn’t work, it will go for your fears and make them bigger an scarier than ever before.

When we work with ourselves and when we build our awareness around what’s going on, the path will get easier to maneuver. 

We begin to become more and more aware of how it plays it’s games.

We begin to notice how the problems disappears the instant we enter peace, and peace become our number one goal.

All other goals will naturally fall away. They will mean nothing to you. Only Peace and Truth will matter.

We come to realize that only the mind create problems, while in fact there aren’t any problems at all.

There’s an “I” that is not affected by any of the drama that’s going on, and the more we realize that, the more we fall into it – the more we fall into our own true nature.

When the relief comes with the letting go, or surrendering to what is happens, then the distorted thoughts about being held captive by some invisible force also disappears. There was no force there to begin that held you captive, it was all mental. A story.

 Awareness comes from questioning and investigating our thoughts and beliefs, but not to replace them with new ones.

Relinquish them altogether, free yourself from the mind.

Ask yourself when the fear kicks in:

  • Who is it that is thinking these worrisome thoughts?
  • And who is threatening whom…?

Until we honestly and with sincere desire only want to know what is True, we will feel as we’re trapped between our fears and cravings, our desires for life to be different.

We will keep flowing back and forth between ego and spirit until we finally surrender.

We need to empty our cup completely.

Know that what you think is not real at all, and the way to do that is to uncover all you think is real.

Fierce undoing of the ego is required, and our willingness to it is enough. Life itself will do the purging, you just have to go with it, if liberation is what you truly want.

It’s not always easy, but the more we surrender and live moment to moment, we are opening ourselves up to discover what’s already present.

One thing to remember is that the flowing back and forth between the old and new comes from flowing back and forth in time (in reality time doesn’t exist); either we think of the past or the future, by worrying or desiring, holding on, resenting, not accepting.

Remember that only the ego does that; while the spirit lives in the Now, so by bring ourselves back to this moment, we will find peace, because it’s already here.

A few examples to clarify what I mean; one is to be keenly aware of what’s going on right now:

Many years ago when I was in rehab I was also heavily medicated and I had decided to get clean from all medicines as well as my addictions, and looking back I realize that it was then when I learned to surrender to the present moment by letting go moment to moment.

Whenever I felt the need to take the medicines, I said to myself: “Can I wait ten minutes to see if I still feel the need for them?”, and then after ten minutes I asked myself the same question again, and again and again, until the day came when I was completely off all kinds of pills and medications.

This process of surrendering to the moment helped me to take less and less medications everyday until I one day was totally free from all of them. Some days I had to take it minute to minute, and it helped me to become very aware of the shifts in my emotions and the cravings of the mind.

Ultimately I wanted the real Peace, not the fabricated one that was made by chemicals.

Something that can be encouraging to know is that the doctors said that I would never be able to live medicine-free because of the damage I had caused my brain by my drug addiction.

That’s what they said, that I was doomed to be on medications for the rest of my life in order to be able to function normally and be happy in life and they were literally throwing pills after me, but I refused to continue, I was determined to heal and free myself COMPLETELY. 

There was the temptation of the ego (to continue taking my meds when things got tough) as well as the fear/anxiety that comes from withdrawal of any kinds of substances; my only choice in the moment was my attitude, and that’s how it is for all of us.

We can fall for the temptations and fall back to the known and familiar in any life situation, or fall back to frenetically try to prevent our biggest fears from happening; but it’s all a play of the ego.

The only control we have in life is our attitude to it.

I was determined to become free, and I made it through; I could not be healthier than I am today, I have been free from drugs and all kinds of meds for about ten years now:-)

It wasn’t easy, but I made it through by surrendering to life on a moment to moment basis.

Another thing you can do when you feel you’re being pulled back to the old you (ego consciousness) is to be very aware of what you’re doing Right Now, and tell that to yourself, preferably out loud, but without any further explanations.

The ego will try to get you to get into arguments, explanations and justifications and so on, but you just state with a matter-of-fact attitude what you’re doing at the moment and with the inner knowing that you have no clue about what’s to come, so there’s no use in trying to figure any drama out until it comes up (which they seldom do, most of the drama we create in our minds never happens in real life).

We really don’t ever know what’s around the corner, so just let those beliefs go.

“Right now I’m walking here”, “right now I’m watching this”, “right now I’m doing the dishes”, “right now I’m reading this book”,and so on. No explanations, just a clear statement that this is what you’re doing in this particular moment, which is your whole life.

When we do this, it’s amazing how the ego’s voice just crumbles by itself, it just falls away, because the less attention we give it, the less noise it makes.

Remember, the mind creates itself, for itself, but you are not it. You are the observer of it all.

We can all learn to be the witness of thoughts come and go without getting hooked in believing them.

Feel how awareness itself feels, not to just how it feels to be aware, but how awareness itself is experienced.

This will eventually lead us to stand in Truth alone, and the wavering back and forth will have ceased.

The experience of going back to duality and then back to oneness will eventually cease and the best thing to do before that becomes the new ‘norm’ is to bring our attention back to the Now.

Moment to moment, surrendering to Life and not-knowing-ness is what leads us to liberation from that which is not real.


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  1. bert vdb

    As if this was written right now for for me … 🙂
    Thank You

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  3. Carol

    Maria, my heartfelt thanks. Your words a validation and inspiration. And the pathway to freedom from the ever repeating cycle that had begun to dominate my being, leaving me exasperated with self. I now feel I can rise above the false self and can view objectively. There is knowing and ” knowing”- I now know i can decide if to greet the unwanted ‘visitor’ or simply decline the invitation. I only need to wait a minute, then another and another.
    Thks a bunch.

  4. You’re so very welcome Carol, I’m glad that my article resonated with you, thank you for saying that.

    I would like to add a clarification though, that instead of waiting for the next minute, and then the next; instead be present IN the minute, or moment.

    As long as we are waiting or anticipating (for what’s in the next moment or a minute from now) we are not really present in the present moment (where spirit lives); our mind is somewhere else and so is our heart.

    And so when thoughts come and invades the peace so to speak with worrisome thoughts for example, (which is either about past of future, where ego lives) bring yourself back to the Now by stating what you are doing Right Now; “right now I’m cleaning this cup, Right Now I’m writing an article, Right Now I’m looking at this flower” etc and feel the presence of being Here and Now.

    That way we stay in the Now, and we’re not waiting for the moment to be gone in any way.

    This precise moment is in essence our entire life.

    Thank you again for commenting, I always appreciate hearing from readers.

    Wishing you a wonderful weekend! 🙂


  5. jen

    I’m so glad I came across your site tonight. This is exactly what I needed. After three long years of a painful spiritual awakening, I finally found my Oneness..and some peace. Then for the last couple of days, I noticed how I began to feel so confused again, I lost that Oneness. Mainly b/c an ex-boyfriend came over and laid into me. I felt so victimized again, I took on that pain, that responsibility of why he was so unhappy..then I became angry with myself for not being spiritually stronger to have blocked all that. This is truly a roller-coaster ride. But, I could never go back to the illusion again. Thank you so much for sharing this.

  6. Hello Jen, and many thanks for your comment!

    Glad to hear you like what I share, thank you for saying that:-)

    Life always presents to us what we need to relinquish, meaning the egoic structures that are still present within us, so when looking at what is in front of us (like in this case, your ex-boyfriend) with complete honesty we can learn to see through the eyes of the Spirit and not our victimized little selves – to fully live the awakening so to speak requires that we look at how we make ourselves go to sleep again.

    Blame and shame (either towards ourselves or pointing at others) is one of the tools that the ego uses to keep itself “alive”.

    This is a wonderful opportunity for you to look closer at yourself and where you still have some inner work to do.

    When the peace within is realized we don’t “loose” it just because someone from the outside rocks our boat, so this is an excellent opportunity for you to inquire into who it is that has been victimized and who it is that needs to be spiritually stronger, and who is the observer of it all.

    The most important thing is to stay 100% true to oneself and where we are in our own process and journey, and sometimes we do fall back into illusion again so its’ crucial that we acknowledge that within ourselves and face what’s in front of us with our (spiritual) eyes wide open.

    Wishing you a peaceful journey, even at times when it’s a helluva ride! 🙂
    (When we have really realized peace we know we don’t have it, but we are it and thus nothing can rock it).

    All the best,

    https://mariaerving.com/how-to-handle-resistance-from-the-world-when-you-want-to-grow-and-become-more-your-true-self-part-7/ (Includes links to all 7 parts. This is from one of my books and although I no longer teach the law of attraction and so forth, there’s still some inspiration to be found in these series/book).




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  12. LikeAhBaws

    Thank you so much for this love, i haqve been going nuts for the past few months and i don’t really know what’s going on with my life anymore or who i am anymore, i feel dead, i HAVE been dead for a long time,i would even say, since birth, BUT i really do miss my child self, i was so free, so jubilant and energetic and sometimes i would cry and actually hit things, but it was all me, spirit, infused with other peope ideas and beliefs, but spirit none the less. This tip with ”i am doing this right now” really actually does help.. And thanks again.

  13. Glad to hear you found it helpful:) Yes, to become aware of what’s actually going on Right Now snaps us out of the illusions and stories that the mind makes up about the Now.

    That’s when we truly enter the present moment; when we drop the stories about it.

    And of course by dropping the mind-drama that we create about either the future or the past and instead look at what really is happening, right now 🙂

  14. Pingback: Step out in Faith (Part 1/2) · Maria Erving

  15. Hi Maria,
    Thank you so much for such an inspiring article. I was googling, looking for anyone out there who was addressing this flowing back and forth between the old and the new
    I have been struggling recently with this very topic – having really experienced awakening/awareness/personal spiritual evolution and then slipping back from time to time into doubt, into worry or concern about the future (the ego trying to rebuild itself I guess…).
    But these periods of doubt and slipping back happen for very tangible reasons e.g. manifestation that isn’t happening fast enough to cover life expenses or repay debts, despite my surrender to and faith in Life… Which creates the need to borrow from family members to support my wife and son…
    I am a therapist and an entrepreneur (working for myself) and have been working so hard on various projects that I truly feel have been inspired, but I have not yet reaped the financial rewards of them.
    I haven’t lost hope, but sometimes there is a very real temptation to drop my “faith” and start hunting down a standard 9-5 job simply to regain some financial security (or at least a fixed income every month on which we can depend for rent, food, bills etc).
    Being in the now really speaks to me and I truly appreciate the value of being in that place/space/reality, having lived it. But it hasn’t been taking care of tomorrow’s bills… And now, tody, they’ve arrived for payment!
    I feel like I’m almost there… Life’s energy flows through me at times and I have moments of being so aware of how “off” our mind can be regarding what is real! But then there are these moments of what we might call “illusion”, but are all so real when it comes to the person or company that is staring at us, requiring their bill to be paid! You see what I mean?
    Maybe I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. Maybe I’m resisting something, maybe I haven’t surrendered totally, but maybe this is because I feel it is only normal and natural that I stand up and assume my responsibility to provide for my wife and son!
    Is any of this making sense? I’d love to read your thoughts on this – I felt guided to post this message to you…
    Thanks Maria,
    Warm wishes,

  16. It makes perfect sense and I totally understand what you mean.

    What I have learned through my own processes is that the only thing that is “real” is my own direct experience.

    So whatever any gurus or teachers has said or whatever I have read in any books etc, has no meaning whatsoever as long as I don’t have the direct experience of it myself.

    Everything is a concept until I actually live it and I only accept Truth and no belief system’s will do, absolutely not. (I think that’s also what has allowed me to go deeper and deeper into the realization too, the fact that I’m not settling for beliefs and ideas).

    And the reality is that it really doesn’t matter how enlightened or awakened any of us are, we all have bills to pay and we all need food on the table etc.


    It might be the case that you will leave your business altogether – no one can know. That was what happened to me, and that’s what is happening to other people too in the awakening process. (Your business might suddenly take off too, you have to feel into it and you’ll know when and if something has come to an end or not).


    How I have been supported financially through this myself is beyond me – I don’t like the word miraculous, but yes, I would say that I have had just enough, but not a penny more than I need, and always in time, just when I have needed it.

    But what I have also learned is that I can’t say that that is the case for everyone, because we can’t know.

    All I really know for sure when it comes to anything in life, is that I don’t know anything for sure, except for this precise moment and my direct experience of it when I don’t have any thoughts and opinions about it.

    And so I don’t know how my financial situation will look tomorrow.

    I have this innate intuitive knowing that even if I apply for hundreds of jobs (which I do) I will not get a job that is not meant for me if that makes sense.

    I may get a temporarly job (I’m also the entreprenourial type of person like yourself), or I may get an opportunity to house-sit someones mansion https://mariaerving.com/house-sitting-marbella/ (who knows!LOL!) or I might get a request for speaking at some event, or I might suddenly meet someone who can help me study film-making or that can fund me so I can attend an acting and singing school etc.

    Or, as I mentioned before, I might get a 9-5 job for a while to save up money. Or get a great money making idea that resonates with me. Who knows.

    I have no clue. None of us has a clue about even the next moment, and even is some may think they do, in reality we don’t (and never have), and when we realize that things get much easier, even the difficult times are easier to go through because the resistance is not there as it used to be.

    Put your hands on the ground and say “This is real” (all else is ideas and beliefs in my mind) and then look realistically at what needs to be done (what you think you need to do) and then start doing them.

    Maybe 90% of it are “mistakes” (and will never happen) but what option do you see yourself have? Sit on the couch hoping things will improve? (I’m not saying that that is what you do).

    To me getting back to the moment here and now and looking at what is (and not what my mind tells me it is) has helped me to stay present, and even if free/personal will is an illusion, I still like certain things and experiences in life, and I still have a need to support myself and eat food etc, so I will use that illusion of free/personal will to fill the moments of my life with things I like and just enjoy life as it is. (In this moment we have the choice to go with the heart or with the ego)

    And I trust myself. I trust life. (I am life)

    I think that’s what it comes down to, and when we rely on ourselves (and not on faith or some heavenly father or whatever), there’s relief and liberation, even if things hasn’t ‘improved’ outwardly yet, I’m fine inside. You know?

    So to get back to what is in reality:

    Touch the ground you walk on. (Sometimes when doing that literally we get snapped back to the moment in a more profound way and we realize that yes, This Moment Is What Is In Reality, Life Is Here and Now).

    You have a home, you have your family. You have probably had some food today and will have dinner later as usual with your loved ones.

    Maybe you have a small income from your business too.

    And then you have the bills. The due day is coming nearer and nearer, and your mind is getting more and more rampant and maybe it even panics a bit.

    Stop right there.

    You can’t possible know what tomorrow brings. The mind is now making up stories about the situation, but the situation itself is just “what is”.

    What happens if you drop the story?


    Back to touching the ground.

    This is what is:

    I have bills to pay. Yes.

    I have had bills to pay before and I have been able to pay them.

    Maybe I can do that this time too. Or maybe not.

    I can’t know.

    I have done what I can, so it’s futile to worry.

    If I knew what to do I would do it, but I don’t so that’s what I have to keep in mind.

    I can’t find any solutions by panicking.



    I trust that if something terrible happened I would be able to handle it.

    Because I have always been able to handle things before that has come up.

    I’m still here.

    I have my family, my home, and will have dinner with my family later on today.

    This is what is real.


    Ok, so I went on there for a bit:) I hope you get what I mean, and I know you know, I’m just reminding you as we can sometimes get lost in the stream of thoughts.


    If you feel drawn to look for work, then do that. If you feel drawn to other things then do them. Just live life and don’t worry about things you can’t control.

    Whatever life wants, life will get, and because you are life and life is living you, you can’t go wrong.

    Trust yourself and know that there’s just as big of a chance that a miracle happens as it is that a disaster happens (disaster according to the mind) and we can’t control any of it.

    We can try to steer the wheel, and I think it’s just human to do that (to enjoy the illusion of free will) and on the path we sometimes take detours but none of them are really wrong paths.

    (I mean, of course a path can be a destructive one, but that’s not where I sense you are, but you get what I mean).

    It’s a matter of going with our intuition even at times when we are not sure if it is our intuition or if it comes from the ego.



    Here are two posts that might loosen the grip of worry and fear a bit and maybe even make you smile at how silly we can be sometimes:)



    That way the journey is more enjoyable and relaxed, when we don’t take our thoughts that seriously.


    Let me know how things go from here, I’d love to hear it 🙂

    Here’s a few more articles that came to mind that you might like: (Sorry if some of them are for members only as I can’t remember them all, I have written hundreds of articles).






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  18. Ajay

    Hello Maria,

    I stumbled upon this while googling today. Your writing resonated with me since that is what I have been feeling recently. Even though I know my true nature I feel trapped or confined by ego at times.

    Calling it ego maybe too much since it is a thought that feeds into the sensation and creates story, but I feel helpless in getting rid of it, I know it is not real still it creates confusion. I feel at loss sometime and feels like I have a hit an emotional bottom. Knowing all the wisdom still unable to shake it off.

    This too shall pass!



  19. Yes, it will pass – but at the same time, use this time wisely, not in waiting it will pass, but in introspect.

    Sit with it.

    Look into who it is that sees the ego, who wants to get rid of it/shake it off and who is confused.

    The times this has happened to me when I have felt completely overtaken by the emotional turmoil and everything that comes with it I have stopped all doing and I have sat myself down and had a really deep look into the nature of what’s happening in reality and what’s what so to speak. (Fearlessly say to yourself “Okay, lets look at this!”)

    I know it can be very difficult but this calls for a deeper investigation even if it at times feels like the only way out is to wait it out (“this too shall pass”) and at times it helps to get back on track by simply sitting down and following your breath until the body and mind has calmed down a bit and then begin the inquiry.

    Sometimes it helps to rant out loud and speak your concerns (out to yourself) and issues and whatever it might be and then become quiet and listen for a response (from within) without looking for anything but being open to what comes to you, in an attentive way.

    Writing it off (write down your ramblings) is great too, but my point is that this is a moment to be used – when the ego is rampant, that’s when we can have a really close look at it and it’s attempts to keep us not looking. (It likes when we submit to only waiting it out:)

    So look at it – see it, but don’t try to get rid of it. (It only strengthens its grip).

    We don’t even have to call it anything – lets just go with the experience of it, no need to label it.

    Here are a few posts that you might find helpful:






    Hope you find them helpful:)

  20. Ajay

    Thanks for your quick response. Emotional turmoil is what it feels like. I like the idea of talking out loud and writing it down the ramblings and have used these in the past. Also I understand “(It likes when we submit to only waiting it out:)

    I have some work (introspection) to do here. It is easy to get lazy since there is a come-n-go pattern of it.

    Thanks for these pointers and the links to the posts.

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  22. Kevin


    I love your write up, I Googled “ego keeps coming back” and found your article.

    It’s the most truthful and profound article I’ve ever read, it inspired me and filled in the missing pieces of my jigsaw puzzle of life.

    I think I’m still a long way off leaving the ego behind , but I’ve come a long way also, I was a very egotistical person, probably still am … at least more than I think.

  23. Lena

    Funny how I was initially looking for one particular answer but ended up finding multiple ones to several of my struggles. Your article excellently addressed them all. Throughout my spiritual awakening, I have been growing irrational fears that I know sound nothing like my usual self. As you mentioned, it is obviously my ego feeling threatened and creating such thoughts, and as a result, it has made me feel stuck between two worlds. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your words really spoke to me and gave me the courage to keep going. I look forward to achieving a state of surrender. What I love most is that the concept coincides with my Islamic faith. ‘Islam’ literally means surrender and peace! Thank you again, Maria, and God bless.

  24. I’m so glad to hear that my article helped give you the insights that you needed to keep moving forward Lena.

    I promise you that as you keep being true to the Truth within you it will reveal itself to you more and more.

    In this process when you’re embracing more and more of your light and greatness, the ego does all it can to get you back to the old self’s ways and thought-patterns and fear is one of the most powerful tools it uses.

    Surrender the old self (let it go) and step into the unknown more and more; that’s where the peace is found too once you come to fully trust the process.

    Here’s a couple of other article that you might like:
    (Hope they are both public so you can access them).



    Hope you enjoy the read:)

    Blessings to you as well.

  25. taylor

    Wow! Thank you for this! I have been doubting myself during this period. I would think “why cant I go back to the old me?” “Why me?!” Sometimes I would think it was a part of my imagination, but I guess the ego just wants to survive. (sad it has to die though :(..) And I’m glad you saw that medicine wasn’t the answer. Medicine is evil I swear!!! Thanks for this I now understand where this empty and hopeless feeling comes from.

  26. I’m so glad to hear you found it helpful Taylor.

    It means a lot to me to hear that what I share is beneficial to others, so thank you for sharing that with me.

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  30. Chris

    Man! Just what I needed, like a previous comment said, seemingly intended for my perfect timing of seeking. Everything you said described my recent moments. Thank you Maria. Very grateful.

  31. So glad to hear that Chris 🙂 Thank you for sharing that with me, it means a lot to me to hear that my writings are helpful to others (or resonating).

  32. Morgan

    I was wondering if you could speak more about your words, “whatever Life wants, Life will get… I’ve read this many times in different ways, and while it seems quite obvious, I was wondering if you could speak more about this…

  33. Could you be more specific Morgan? In what context in your own life experience is this something you wonder about?

    To me it’s all in the statement itself that “Life gets what Life wants” and there’s no mystery to it, but if you provide me with a personal example (or examples) then I can be more helpful to you.

  34. Morgan

    I’m thinking Life has a lot happening and a lot of it not so great. People are murdered, tortured, defenseless animals and children abused and the list goes on…Does Life want this?

  35. stacey wagner

    This post has saved me.. I was in such despair because I had such a profound spiritual experience and could finally see everything so clearly and then fell….. and I have felt so hopeless of ever getting back there. This article has given me so much hope that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in the process….. I cant thank you enough.

  36. I’m so glad to hear that Stacey, thank you for sharing that with me.

    Much love to you and just keep ploughing through the tough times with a deep yearning for Truth and nothing but that and you’ll be fine.

    It can be a hellish process I know, but I can also tell you that yes, you’re right where you’re suppose to be and all is alright even if it’s not very pleasant at the moment.

  37. Morgan

    Hi Maria – I just want to thank you for your always thoughtful and thorough response to my first question and other questions I have asked in the past. It is such a gift that you offer all of us. And thank you for the 2nd post, which I haven’t read yet, but I’m looking forward to doing so right now!

  38. You’re very welcome Morgan, it’s all my pleasure.

    Thank you for appreciating what I share 🙂

    I hope you find the articles helpful and clarifying and please let me know if there’s ever anything else you’d like me to write about as well.

  39. Ren

    This is a great article Maria, thank you for sharing your experience. Sometimes it feels we are in between places. The old life no longer fits but the new life has no where near taken shape… And yet even then those are labels, and our experience just is what it is at the time. But the regressions I find hard to understand when the rising truth has been felt so clearly. Like we are given a glimpse of what life could be like and then are drawn back into the fray to test the strength of our conviction. The future is uncertain, but to turn back is not really an option any more. I can see how the ego looks for things to grab hold of. Sometimes it wins. There’s a fair bit of flailing around, laughter is helpful I find. I try to remember the difficult times are our preparation, helping us to let go of what no longer serves us. To attempt to control the process in any way would be useless, yet we are given opportunities to make conscious decisions, in alignment with truth. And I guess that’s a commitment we make when we chose this path… or when it chooses us… Thank you again. Namaste x

  40. Thank you Ren, glad you found it helpful 🙂

    The regression back to the old that you mentioned is very common, it happens because the mind is yet not established in the new level of consciousness.

    Here’s an article that has links to a few of my articles that came to mind that I believe will be helpful to you as well:


    And just a couple of hours ago I posted this on Facebook, I think you’ll like it:



  41. Ren

    Hi Maria, many thanks for the links – I’ve enjoyed reading a few of your articles, particularly one called ‘My thought system has made a radical 180…’. That feeling of freedom/joy/peace connected to a release of all ambition vs the ego’s need to do/plan/achieve. I got to the end and just thought YES. That’s the whole trip. Pure surrender. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Best wishes for the journey x

  42. Glad to hear you enjoyed them Ren 🙂

    Yes, in the awakening process surrender is what it all boils down to, and ambition changes too in the process, it even falls away.

    Here’s a few of my articles that has to do with that (some may be for members only):







    With that said; after awakening you can be fiercely driven again if you’re naturally wired that way (as I am) but you will be so in a different way than before.

    But there’s definitely a release of literally everything before that happens; all your goals, plans, dreams, ambitions, even yourself, everything is let go of.

    That’s what the awakening process leads to and it really is all about surrender.

    Here’s a few more articles that I think you might like:

    “Ten random articles about losing yourself and the life you’ve always known in the awakening process”


    Hope you enjoy! 🙂

  43. Liz

    Just what I needed. Thank you so much my dear. I was meant to be on this site today. Thank you :-).

  44. Brandi

    I googled “duality” and found this site. I’m so grateful! This is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

  45. Jennie collinge

    Dear Maria – found you and this article just at the moment when I was questioning the point of continuing my spiritual awareness, it appears many people don’t write about about how bloody difficult it is to stay on track. My story is very similar to you in regards to the medicine dependency (14 per day at one point) for an illness I believe my body manifested due to deep internal pain. Four years ago I started my spiritual journey and dealt with many aspects of forgiveness, physical health etc, I have been medicine free for over two years. But I fell off the path in my work and in my personal life assisting others as a holistic health coach and mentor. Dec I was existing feeling exhausted and resentful about people and life I was depleted ….. And CRASH I broke my ankle a week before Christmas and knew deeply this happened for a reason and surrendered to it instead of thinking why me I have used every day to reinforce my spiritual path but are still struggling with my ego wanting control and my mind trying to tempt me to chose the easy way out – or so it thinks! Thank you for sharing your story and for giving me the strength to continue my ego battle. – I have some way to go spiritually and are in week five of my temporary disability and will read your other articles to deepen my resolve to deal with my mind and ego and remain in this moment. After all it’s all we ever really have!!! Deeply appreciated Jennie

  46. Thank you for your comment Jennie, I’m glad to hear that the article found you exactly when you needed it.

    Hope your ankle heals quickly and that there’s a lot of inner progress for you in this time when you’re temporary disabled.

    Speaking of addictions; This month actually I’ve been drug free for 16 years, it’s amazing to think about 🙂

    I hope that you too can come to enjoy a life that is free from addictions and that it happens quickly for you.

    Here’s an old article of mine that came to mind that you might like:


    And here’s some articles on the ego that you might find helpful:


  47. Jennie collinge

    Thank you Maria for taking the time to respond and congratulations on the 16 year anniversary – I should imagine like me, life would have been very different if you hadn’t had this experience and come through it. I am in the process of reading your amazing articles and know they will be an absolute blessing at this time, you write from a special place and I will get much insight from you. I am not sure if you provide a service of a coaching session would you please email me in regards to this when you have time. Thank you Jennie

  48. Thank you Jennie 🙂

    Everything I went through was meant to happen exactly the way they did and they helped form the person I became after that.

    That’s how it is with you too, or anyone that is going through difficult times in their life.

    It’s our attitude, having the right perspective and outlook (and believing in ourselves) etc that helps us move through them to the other side.

    I do offer coaching/guidance and healing sessions, which you can learn more about here:


  49. Tina

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience in the spiritual path. It’s really helpful. Much love!

  50. You’re so very welcome Tina! Glad to hear you find my articles helpful, thank you for sharing that.

    I no longer write about the spiritual awakening process/enlightenment though, this is a very old article.

    After awakening there’s only the enjoyment of life and being the creator of it that’s left, so that’s what I’m about nowadays.

    Let me know if there’s anything specific you’re looking for and I might be able to point you to other articles as well that can be helpful to you.

    I’ve published nearly thousand posts so far so there’s a lot of content here both from my work nowadays and from the time I was in my awakening process and was helping others in theirs. 😊

  51. Benzie

    I cannot express my gratitude to this post and Maria herself in words. Thank you for everything you are doing, I was in a confused state unable to understand why I was going back and forth, thank you for writing this. Much love and best wishes♥️

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