The ego panics before a spiritual breakthrough (Part 1/2)
Here follows some of the most common concerns that people are experiencing in the process of spiritual awakening. It’s very common to feel panic welling up inside when dissolution and confusion reigns.
Grace can be fierce, but to know that it is (it’s only burning that which is no longer relevant and true) allows us to relax more into the process and let it do what it does (it will anyway, with or without our consent, and it’s the resistance to the inevitable process that creates the suffering), and awareness about some common questions can be very helpful.
Q: I feel lost and catch up by thoughts again, and I have hard time fighting against it/or to accept thoughts coming without following it.
They become more and more noisy, and it feels like I am the thinker again.
Yes, that’s what the ego does, it gets us hooked by our thoughts, and the more emotionally charged they can be, the better. Worry is a kind of a fear and that’s usually the way it gets us hooked. Worry about a loved one, worry about money, worry about the future..
To fight against the mind leaves us defeated. Not that it’s stronger than us, but because we have given it so much significance throughout our whole lives that once we get hooked by old thinking patterns we once again feel trapped in them (even when knowing they are not true!), and so the best way to deal with it is not to fight against it (it actually only strengthen the energetic pathways in the brain), but to learn and see how the mind works.
That’s how it loses it’s power.
Awareness is the key.
See how it always directs us away from this moment, always.
And the moment we are out of alignment with what’s going on in actuality (which is what is right now and not the stories of the mind), that’s when we get lost.
Snap back to the present moment by becoming aware of the thoughts that arises and how they always are about the past of future and how they are only fantasies and imaginations.
Life is now and usually right now all is well. If we were under a physical threat then that’s another story, but if not, the only reason we suffer is because we are believing our thoughts.
The mental and psychological terror we inflict upon ourselves by believing thoughts is what causes the turmoil, but when we actually look at the thoughts and feelings then the light that is shone on them will cause them to cease in power.
Q: I have the feeling that I have lost my inner center, I don’t feel the strong connection anymore and it is a very painful lost.
I try to fill the void and the suffering of the pain by eating food as I don’t want to hold to something else. Or to someone else like a new boyfriend, or any relationship to hide there.
This is where I am stuck to ask for support also.
The support I used to have from psychotherapy doesn’t seem appropriate anymore. I feel totally alone.
The emptiness is where we are guided to go, because only there can our cup be filled again, and it won’t be filled with the stuff that the ego likes anymore.
But on the way there it will resist. It will resist furiously, and there will be rantings, cursing, crying, begging, pleading, fury, kicking and screaming, but off you go, you will go into the emptiness and that’s the last place the ego wants to go.
So it will start to desperately fill itself up again, with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, mindless entertainment, .. whatever we feel prone to, whatever feels closest to home so to speak.
In this process we can feel very much alone. We have a intuitive knowing that this is not the average kind of depression, this is not to do with psychological issues, this is something deeper, and traditional support doesn’t feel appropriate anymore.
It may have felt right at some point, but feels no longer relevant. It may have served us before, but now it’s just won’t suffice anymore, something else is needed, but no one seem to get what’s going on.
Well, I do, and I also know how it feels to be totally alone in this, as I were too.
Q: My tentation is to go back to who I was, my old identity, my old strategies.. but the motivation is not there anymore.
It is hard to pretend to believe in these beliefs again. I feel like a fraud, I am lying to myself in a conscious way this time. Yet it feels like the old patterns of thoughts and behavior are back in order to fill the void..
Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, this is very good actually! Usually when the ego starts to panic, that’s when something is about to happen that cracks Life open. In a good way!
This is also the point where people frantically try to take control, because they don’t want to go back to the old, but they also can’t see the path forward so in order to avoid the old, they try to strategize their way through this, or the ego does.
And while knowing it! So there’s a huge internal conflict going on.
The ego with its need to survive by trying to control the situation, and on the other hand the Spirit that is being reawaken and is about to blossom and be expressed fully.
Beliefs can no longer be believed, none of them, because we know Truth is beyond beliefs. It’s not as if it’s a choice, it just becomes very clear that no beliefs are the Truth.
But the ego is created and sustained by beliefs so it will try to create new ones or rearrange a set of beliefs that will serve it better, and this is where people turn to different personal development strategies to polish and empower the ego in an attempt to take back the control, while some people are courageous enough to question them even more to break free from them.
This is a natural process, not as three step process that can taught or learned as this is beyond mind. This is about wisdom, and wisdom is the domain of the Spirit.
How we hear it is by attentive stillness and not by strategies or mental and conceptual understanding.
Motivation and ambition will cease but it will eventually be replaced with inspiration, but before that can happen (naturally) there has to be a complete let-go into the emptiness.
Once there, your ‘cup will be filled again’.
Go there by surrendering to the process. Surrender to the will of God, which you later on will realize is the same as yours, but it may have nothing to with the dreams you thought was yours at all.
Part two will be published later this week and you’ll find it here: mariaerving.com/ego-panics-2
In the meantime; do you have any questions for me, or some topics you’d like me to write about? Submit them here.