“I’m tormented by ego voices in my head!” (1/3)
Learning how to not listen to the ego voices in your head.
“I feel like I have this board of directors in my head.
I realize it’s one thing. It’s my ego.
Anyway, it seems to be made up of all these different people.
They all have their own ideas, feelings, thoughts, emotions etc.
None of them agree with each other on anything. I start to move in a direction and they all start giving their opinion and in the end I end up doing nothing.
I feel like I am so tormented by my ego. I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know how to surrender it.
I am so confused many times as to which direction to go in.
Many times I just say we are not going anywhere I cannot listen to this any longer.
I have a spiritual teacher who tells me to fire the board of directors and begin to listen to the divine.
The problem is that the ego can create such a disturbance through depression, fear, anxiety etc that it becomes impossible to listen to the divine.
Many times I put out there in a prayer for guidance from the divine/high power whatever you want to call it and I hear nothing.
The only times I have been able to surrender is when I am under such distress that something clicks and a sort of surrender happens but then 2 or 3 weeks later the ego slowly starts to move back in and eventually it is back and even worse.
It is very difficult to live like this going from flat nothing to extreme distress and being tormented by these “people” in my head.
My Father took his own life when he was 52 years old.
He suffered from depression and anxiety for 7 years. He just decided he didn’t want to do this any longer.
I am starting to get that feeling inside myself. I will admit I have MUCH more awareness and insight into these types of things than he did.
I also am much more open with this stuff and am very willing to ask for help and guidance.
He did not but with that said I see so many people suffering from anxiety and depression.
I see rock stars and celebrities who have been tormented for a long time such as Robin Williams, Chris Cornell and the list goes who have all taken their own lives and I wonder what will keep me from doing that.
I just start to wonder if I am getting anywhere. Is this just depression and anxiety and I am just mentally ill and this is all I have coming to me.
Much of the time all I see is a dark chasm ahead and this is all I have to look forward to.
Just to clarify I am NOT at the point at this moment where I want to take my life but the thoughts are there.
I have been in these sorts of places a few times before. Usually they arrive in a 10 year cycle.
I am at the decade point again but this time I am not trying to run away from it and in turn it is kind of worse than the other times because those times my ego would step in and I will distract myself with jobs, relationships etc but I don’t want to do that again.
Anyway, I have been more thinking out loud in this posting but I wanted to throw it out there because most of the people I have said this stuff too have no idea what to say or do with it.
Sometimes I just feel like an anomaly.
I know many people who are in much worse places than I both physically and emotionally but that doesn’t seem to help much and in ways makes it worse because then my ego says Hey bud it can be much much worse.
Anyway, thanks for listening. 🙂
Thank you for sharing so openly about your experiences and struggles.
You have no idea how many people are going through similar things, so anyone who reads what you just shared will be blessed by it because it will make them feel less alone.
Before I begin, I need to clarify that I’m not a doctor and I don’t give medical advice.
Each individual is responsible for their own health care decisions.
I feel I have to mention this because I sometimes get contacted by people who actually want to kill themselves, or have attempted suicide already.
Here’s my disclaimer in full:
I know you said it’s just a thought and that you’re not actually planning on doing it.
Many people have the same thoughts as you do and they don’t actually want to do it, so I totally get where you’re coming from.
Most people think that the spiritual awakening process is about love and light but people like yourself know that that’s not the case.
And it can happen to anyone; to celebrities, rock stars, and other famous people as well as to the man living on the streets, or a hardcore business man who has never had an inkling of spiritual interest whatsoever before.
So yeah, who knows if Robin Williams and Chris Cornell and the others were actually depressed or if they were in the midst of a spiritual awakening process.
The thought do cross my mind every time something like that happens because I know so many people are confused, but also completely unaware.
It’s the unawareness that is the most difficult thing, because it’s so easy to get diagnosed with depression and anxiety and get then medicated for it.
We have become a pill popping society.
Looking at society today we have a massive prescription drug use, and I can’t but think of all the people who has been misdiagnosed by unaware/unknowing people.
And we all know that the pill popping many times leads to abuse, addiction, overdoses, and for some, also death, because the unawareness that is there prevents the (spiritual) transformation from happening.
So many people get stuck in a limbo in life, not really getting anywhere, or not really living because they don’t have the awareness of their condition being anything else than what the doctors say it is.
And I’m not saying meds are not good and should not be used. It’s not about that.
It’s about the awareness, or lack of it.
So let’s begin.
“I feel like I have this board of directors in my head. I realize its one thing. Its my ego.
Anyway, it seems to be made up of all these different people. They all have their own ideas, feelings, thoughts, emotions etc.
None of them agree with each other on anything. I start to move in a direction and they all start giving their opinion and in the end I end up doing nothing.”
Usually people have two voices in their head, or maybe three.
A simple way of describing the voices would be something like this:
First we have the ego voice that is the voice of the false self, the person most people take themselves to be.
It usually comes from a place of fear, from the need to survive and ‘get’ or attain something (many times without giving, it just ‘wants’) and so on.
It’s full of fear and worry but also expectations and with a sense of entitlement. It often feels like the victim and is always in opposition with Life somehow.
This ego many times becomes spiritualized if the person is on the spiritual path.
A very common question I often get from a spiritualized ego is:
It’s the false self thinking It will become enlightened, so the spiritual seeker is actually the ego, but the person is not aware of this until later in their spiritual growth.
Then we have the authoritative voice that tells us that we have to be good, behave in an appropriate way, not do such and such things, that we have to be in this or that way, etc etc.
It’s a strict and authoritative voice that is demanding you to be and behave in a certain ways.
This might be the voice that told you to not be such a cry-baby (I’m exaggerating now of course) because ‘there are many others who has it worse than you’ as you wrote.
So it’s basically criticizing you for the way you feel, and this ego voice is also usually very negative and bossy overall.
And then we have the true voice that only wants us to be happy.
That’s all it wants, and all its guidance is towards the true enjoyment of life.
It only wants us to enjoy life and make the most of ourselves and the life that we have.
Its guidance always directs us to be and become the truest and highest expression of ourselves, and towards the things that makes life enjoyable and that promotes health and well-being.
It never demands, scolds or pushes you around, and it never makes you suffer or feel sorry for yourself.
That’s the “divine” voice if you will, but I simply call it the “true voice”.
Calling it “divine” unconsciously implies that it’s not your voice.
Most people don’t see themselves as “divine” (unless their egos’ are spiritualized, then they feel very holy) so there’s an immediate separation right there.
But when it’s YOUR voice and you call it that, then it becomes easier to relate to it and connect with it.
Because it’s yours, not something “divine” that is somehow ‘not you’.
It is already yours and it’s based on intuition, instinct, gut feeling, inner knowingness and so on.
So in essence: There’s the ego voice that is pretending to be you, there’s the critical and demanding voice that is pushing you around, and then there’s the kind and caring voice, which is your own true voice.
I’m not sure what the voices in your head are (since they seem to be more than 2-3), but if I were you I would get to know them.
I would really dive in there and point each of the voices out and pinpoint exactly what their characteristics are.
First of all I would suggest that you become aware of how many they are and then describe the voices.
Write these things down, and really get to know them.
What are they saying exactly? How are they speaking to you, in what tone and so on.
Write it all down.
Become aware of the differences between the voices in your head.
This way you will be able to understand where they are coming from and how many they actually are because they may sound as many but in actuality be only a few.
That’s the cleverness of the ego and its voices. It knows exactly where to strike and how to confuse you.
When you become aware of the difference between yours and the ego voice(s), it will become more and more obvious to you which one to listen to.
With this said; I honesty can’t say if this is a mental condition with you (since you hear multiple voices), or if it has to do with the spiritual awakening process.
So please feel very free to after you’ve done this exercise to share in the comments below what you came to realize and see (if you want to!).
That way I might be able to help you to the next level after that.
This article was part 1/3.
Part 2/3 will be published shortly (probably tomorrow) and can be read here:
Here’s an old audio recording (40 minutes) that I created ages ago where you can learn about some of the differences between the ego and Spirit:
By becoming aware of how you relate to the differences, where you find yourself in them etc, your life can become much more clearer to you, and you will know yourself better.