Awakening can be inconsistent (we go back and forth) for a while until the remnants of ego there is left to deal with has been cleaned out so to speak.

By grace/Truth I have to add, because it’s not something we consciously do so no need to starve yourself or meditate like a maniac to ‘cleanse’ yourself or anything like that, and what this process definitely has teached me is that life seems to play around and it has a sense of humour kind of just to show what’s in charge here. (Ultimately it’s all you and that’s the realization when it’s deepened).

Life does have a sense of humour but sometimes we can only smile after the actual happening.

Maybe it’s not that fun when in the midst of it, but then after the happening we can see the bigger picture and if we have any sense of humour at all hopefully we can smile a little bit when looking back. 

Especially recently for me I have been pulled this way and ‘pushed’ that way by life and I see the whole thing as a happening and I’m witnessing it all as if it was a movie and the events and situations seem like they are happening and I am looking at the happening.

It’s very interesting and the show I must say is spectacular.

When I arrived Spain I was suppose to live with somebody but that didn’t turn out well so one morning when I was sitting there in my bed, feeling cold shills running through my spine and feeling totally misplaced and having a very strong intuition that I need to get away from there, while at the same time basically have nowhere to turn, I let fear take over for a brief moment as I ran with the thoughts.

Where would I go? I can’t go back, I left everything, I don’t have a home anymore in Scandinavia.

As the cold chills ran through my spine, I said out loud that I need help, that I need to find my own place the very same day or else I had to leave and go back to Scandinavia asap because where I was staying was not a place where I wanted to stay even for one more night.

After I had said my little prayer I felt determined to find something so I went out and spoke to a number of rental agencies and then things just fell into place in wonderful ways as you could read in this post:

mariaerving.com/nerja-update

As I wrote in the beginning of this post, I mentioned that life has a way of playing around and as long as we go with it, it becomes very interesting and time and time again our beliefs and assumptions are being challenged and I love that.

That’s what the whole transformation is about, to come to the insight that no beliefs are true, and we all have our own stuff to deal with and for me the situation last week (and the whole decision to move for that matter) was was about security and trusting that money will be there when needed.

I knew in the back of my mind that going back to Scandinavia would mean to go to an average way of life and that is not for me, I don’t want that. It felt like I was put in the situation I was in to see how dedicated I was to my heart and I had to take yet one more step into an even deeper unknown than before.

But it felt so obvious once I found the place that I just had to do it, it felt really right in my heart.

Since I decided to move to Spain in the beginning of 2014 things just opened up for me and fell into place and still are in ways I have not experienced before and that happened with the apartment that I found too a few days ago. It just fell into place.

Not that it is a new thing, but it’s way more distinct and clear now, I even want to use the words amazingly awesome.

There seem to be a force that is behind this and what’s different now is that I know it’s all me (there is only One and we and everything is that) but there’s also a different kind of communication going on.

The language may be dualistic, but the experience is not.

I may ‘pray’ (that word does not really resonate with my experience but that will do for now, maybe I write an article about that soon; about the changes in prayer and meditation), but I also know that all that is happening is that I’m having a conversation with myself.

There are no Gods or anything like that – all those concepts are merely symbols (projections) of what’s within each and everyone of us. In India it may be Shiva, here it’s Jesus or whatever.

It has to do with cultural programming and what we have been taught, but the essence of all those symbols are the same and we are that.

It’s not something that is outside of us so there’s no higher or lower ‘me’, only one me and that’s that.

Since I dared to take the step into the unknown I have been so filled with love, wonder and gratitude, and I wish this for everyone!

I’m a changed person in so many ways, I feel like my heart is wide open and I am filled with gratitude of all the beauty that I see around me, beauty of life, people, nature, it’s everywhere.

And I think Nerja is the most beautiful place I have ever lived in, it’s totally different from Costa Blanca (I lived in Alicante/Torrevieja some years ago), and where I live is close to everything so it’s really nice. (And the beach is only a ten minute walk from here! Yey:)

I lived very isolated in Norway for the five years I lived there, but that was part of my journey and for that I am so grateful.

Not all have had that kind of opportunity that I had where I was able to do inner work and really marinade in my realization with no (or very little) interference from the world and other people.

This I could do 24/7 and I really did use my time there well. Passion and dedication has a way of doing just that, and my commitment is 100% to Truth.

In the beginning I resented having to live there, even felt hatred, but with my awakening process I realized what a gift it was for me to have been put there.

Something I hear a lot from people is that they find themselves in similar situations where they feel out of place, stuck and not liking where they live and so forth and I can relate to that, but I can also tell them that there’s a reason why they are where they are and not until they have seen what that reason is and taken it to heart will they probably not be able to leave.

That was how it was for me.

(Obviously, if it’s an unhealthy place – get away as quickly as you can, but if it’s just your ego not liking it there’s probably something there for you to do before you can move on).

God knows I have tried to leave that place so many times you wouldn’t believe, I have been desperate, applied for thousands (and I’m not exaggerating) of jobs all over the world, but once I saw clearly why I was put where I was I started to take advantage of my time there and use it very well, and that’s my advise to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation as I did; work it baby.

Let go of the ego’s petty little wishes and start looking very deeply within and life will show you more and more.

Make the best of where you are in terms of how you use your time and energy (attention) and see it as an opportunity to go really deep within your own being and then the Truth shall set you free.

With that I mean you being truthful with where you’re at and what you need to attend to when it comes to your own life and it usually always begins with a surrender into taking the ride no matter what may come.

And I’m not saying this in a pollyanna kind of way because believe me, I know all about self pity and feeling victimised by life.

It was only a few years ago when I had my most intense periods where I felt such fear and so out of place and so forth, and it’s all about the ego resisting and resenting the awakening process.

I also know that when you embrace where you are fully, life opens up for you and shows you what you need to attend to before you can move on from where you are.

But back to today.

As I said, I think Nerja is the most beautiful place I have ever lived in even if I have only been here for about a week.

Everyday there are moments when I can’t help but getting all emotional; it’s so beautiful and I love my home.

Oh, my home, how I love it!

It’s very small, but it’s just perfect for me and the landlords are wonderful, so helpful and kind.

They asked me if I was happy with everything the other day and I just lightly mentioned that I am but the fridge is really noisy and the TV has pink stripes on the screen and they said it was because they were old and I replied that yes, it’s not that important as I don’t watch much TV and the fridge sounds I will probably get used to so it’s fine.

Then the next day they came to me and said that they have just bought me a new flat screen TV, a new fridge and a new washing machine!

I mean, how cool is that? 🙂

Many times I have said ‘I want to stay here, and I will do whatever it takes to be able to. I really like it here and I want to establish myself here’, and then after I have said it I take it back – because there is something I want more, and that is what Life wants for me.

That’s what I want.

(And Los Angeles is still my number one city in the world, who knows maybe I end up there too).

Life took me here, Nerja actually came to me in a meditation last year (2013), that’s how I find the place and when I googled it I liked what I read and saw and then things just kind of started to happen and here I am now.

And so far, .. wow. So happy to be here:)

Anyways, ..

So that morning when I sat there in my bed and prayed and asked for help, that was life showing me yet again that there is something else for all of us when we stay truthful to ourselves and when we are not fixating on any particular view.

The ego always knows where we are most vulnerable and will strike just there the moment we let ourselves be hooked by fearful thoughts.

Or when we try to pretend that it’s not there, or if we try to avoid it by all kinds of means, spiritual or not so spiritual, such as drugs and so forth.

If fear is there, say it out loud; I feel fear. There.

It’s not a defeat, actually what happens when we admit what we feel is the opposite of what many thinks; the fear loses it’s grip, because in that confession there’s also a surrender.

Not to the fear but to honesty and truth.

And then life (or Truth) can come in and do it’s magic 🙂

It can only come when there is an opening and the opening is surrender and/or peace and that can only come by honesty and sincerity. (First and foremost to ourselves).

When there’s an attachment to fear we can be sure that somewhere along the thinking stream we got caught in a fearful thought and went along with it and then the whole emotional rollercoaster was soon in full swing.

But when we realize we just did that we admit to ourselves that that was what just happened and sometimes if the fear hasn’t really take a strong hold yet we can even laugh (lovingly/with humour) at ourselves and the fear that was so close to get hold of us.

But it’s always the same, fear always takes us back to duality, but it’s always the same with oneness too, it never goes anywhere – it’s just when the mind wonders away from the present moment and we get lost for a brief moment.

(Lost in thoughts and thinking which leads to emotional responses, but thoughts are always old – they come from the past and has nothing to do with what is in reality).

And then we just kind of pop back to (our individual) norm again and to where we have our identification and with evolution and deeper insight we never stay for very long at all in the old ways of being and experiencing life and it’s mysterious ways.

But it can still happen that fear gets a hold of us, and what that fear shows us – if we listen to it the right way – is what we have yet to work on in ourselves. (Inquiry and awareness, not ‘work’ as in self development).

I am getting intuitions about creating retreats here in Spain – I’m getting more and more inspired to do that and things are coming to me in regards of ideas and so forth so I feel thrilled about my new phase in life, and my wish is that I will see you here this summer.

Who knows what life decides to do next 🙂

The beach close to where I live:)

Want me to write about something? Ask Maria

Couple of other articles you might like: 

mariaerving.com/back-to-ego-consciousness-spiritual-awakening

mariaerving.com/fear-of-having-to-go-back-to-illusion