I Feel So Apathetic About Life (Ask Maria)
“I don’t know if I am awakening or not but I am so lost. I feel so apathetic about life, it scares me I have become so uncaring.
I just want to be by myself, I can’t love my family or dogs like I use to.
I am not depressed, I have been there too. I just feel empty inside.
I want to quit my job and just hide.
I can’t talk to anyone. I meditate, I pray, yet no changes.
I feel alone and just want it all to be over.
I am always seeking, reading, researching hoping to find someone to help me.
I have surrendered but still I am lost. What do I do? Thanks.”
This sounds like a phase many people go through in an awakening process, yes.
And since you already know what depression is and are looking for answers elsewhere to your state or condition at the moment, I take it that you have the awareness of this maybe being something else than just feeling down about life in general.
I feel it’s my obligation though to advice you to seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts as one of your sentences imply.
Although thoughts like wanting to end it (feeling deep hopelessness and meaningless) are ‘normal’ in the process of awakening but of course we don’t really want to kill ourselves in this process, it’s just that sometimes the process feels like pure hell and anything would be better than going through the fire.
You will know what to do; if you need to seek help or if you feel intuitively that feelings like that are a part of the transformational process, because for some people it is.
With that said, let’s look at what I can do to support you in this process, assuming this is an awakening process that you’re going through.
I have written a few articles about feeling lost and other articles as well that I believe will be helpful to you, so check out the additional articles at the end of this one.
No one can say how long this separation process (death) from your old self and life will go on but the more awareness you have about it the smoother it goes.
And please don’t be alarmed; I don’t mean to say that you will be separated from your family and dog and so on (your loved ones), I’m just saying that there are aspects of you that will die.
God, I feel I’m walking on very thin ice here with you right now as I don’t know how your state of mind is at the moment!
It’s a very delicate thing to try to give guidance in writing to someone who might be feeling very down and depressed right now because the truth is that this path, or process, can be a grueling experience.
Like hellish type of grueling.
I’m sorry to have to say that, but I also promise you that if you go with it, if you stay true to it, if you don’t give up, you will come out on the other side as an individual who is free and who has a confidence, a (deep, deep) love, a trust for Life that you can’t have when you’re moving through life sleepwalking.
I’m crying as I’m typing this because I know that you have so much goodness before you if you just keep walking.
There is an amazingness to life that awaits you once you’re through this phase.
There will be other phases as well, I can’t lie about that, but as long as you stay with it you will be fine.
Meaning don’t run away from it like 98% of most people do.
In this process your ‘cup will be emptied’, the only ‘thing’ left when Truth is done with you is Truth itself and nothing else.
Maybe you will quit your job, maybe that’s what you need to do.
But if you do, if the inclination is strong and you trust the process of letting it go (not run away from the job but release it with trust if you feel that you’re called to do that) then something more suitable will come up for you.
Maybe not immediately, but as we let go of the old the new always comes sooner or later and it’s always an improvement.
You can’t regress in your spiritual growth and as you grow spiritually things that used to bother you simply stops bothering you and you automatically begin to respect yourself more and choose more wisely about everything in your life.
This takes some effort of course in the beginning as many people are afraid of being true to themselves and because it means you have to make decisions that will go against the grain and other peoples expectations of you.
You will become an outsider in some regard.
The odd one, the one that thinks differently and acts differently form the rest.
Some of us has always been that way but for people that have considered themselves as ordinary folks and who begin this process might find it extra challenging.
It’s mainly because the whole construct of the old life and self is collapsing and something else is being born out of the process; the true and real, and the true and real can sometimes be vastly different from how life has previously looked and been experienced.
Sometimes we have to be secluded and isolated for a while to integrate and embody our transformational processes.
For example, I was isolated in small Norwegian village for about 5 years and at first I hated it and resented it but after a while I realized it was a blessing and necessity for my awakening to be able to unfold without much interference from the outside world.
So being alone, wanting to be alone (withdrawn), all that is a part of the process as well.
Hopefully you have people around you who can give you the space that you need for yourself.
“I meditate, I pray, yet no changes.
I am always seeking, reading, researching hoping to find someone to help me.
I have surrendered but still I am lost. What do I do?”
All these things are there to help you wake up, believe it or not.
This will for example hopefully make you question the god you pray to (since nothing happens even if you pray and pray) and if you continue on that path (doubting is healthy!) then it will lead to realizations about Truth and beliefs and beliefs-systems will start to fall away one by one.
This too can be a difficult process.
Again, sorry to have to tell you this but it’s not an easy process, this awakening thing.
But also, the more awareness you have about it the easier it goes.
We always find what/who we need at the moment, so whatever you find as you seek will be helpful to you but only use them (teachers/teachings) as tools and support, don’t get caught up in yet another belief-system or any kind of dependency.
When you can relate to what others have gone through (like for example my website is a great resource for that), and if you have someone that can support you through it (like myself) then it gets easier obviously than to do it all alone.
Although you do ‘do’ it all alone (no one can do it for you) but you don’t have to be alone in the process, you can have someone there that you can turn to when things get dark and messy.
So you will be seeking and searching for a while, that’s what we do when we’re in despair.
It’s a natural thing to do when we feel trapped or stuck, desperate etc.
You will also stop at times and surrender to not being able to ‘find’ any answers or guidance whatsoever in books, teachers and what not; there will come times when you’re at your wits end (like you seem to be now) when you just don’t know what to do anymore.
This is actually good, it means your ego is loosening its control, its ‘giving up’, but then after a while again the seeking begins again (this usually happens on and off for a while; surrender, control, surrender, control etc).
It’s normal, and at times exhausting, but know that this seeking you’re doing eventually leads to is the awakening from it.
But until the seeking stops there will be seeking going on. A lot of it.
The ego (the false self) will do anything it can in order to try to save itself but will eventually ‘loose’ the game altogether.
There really is nothing in it for the ego because in this process the false dies and the real remains.
You wrote “I have surrendered but I’m still lost”.
The thing is that your surrendering must be unconditional, meaning you have to surrender to being lost as well.
You have to be okay with not being okay if that makes any sense.
Surrendering means surrendering everything expecting nothing in return.
Can you do that?
Can you surrender to being/feeling lost?
It won’t be forever of course, but your willingness has to be there. You have to kind of be willing to be lost forever if that’s what it takes to awaken.
Not that that happens; everything is always moving even if it feels we’re stuck; there’s usually a lot of inner changes taking place when the outer seem to stand still.
You’re being liberated in this process, not more confined and imprisoned, but for the ego this is very difficult because it wants to awaken and become free, but it can’t so it tries to keep the control over life it thinks it has.
I don’t know your state of mind at the moment, if you’re in a fragile place right now, but I want to remain truthful to you, that’s why I’m not sugarcoating any of this.
I hope you see some kind of relief in what I have shared with you despite of it sounding a bit gloomy.
I just don’t want to lie and say that this is going to be easy because it probably won’t.
This is not a “love and light” type of thing.
This is a dying process, the false you is dying so there can be a lot of resistance to the process, and there will be a lot of things shifting and moving in your life that you have absolutely no control over whatsoever (except your attitude towards the changes that are taking place).
You just have to surrender to it, trusting that everything is unfolding as it’s suppose to even if it’s difficult right now.
You just wait and ‘hang in there’ because brighter days are around the corner.
And then from the brighter and sunnier days the climate again changes and you begin yet another shedding process…
This happens again and again until there is nothing left but Truth and that’s when your life really begins.
All this other stuff is the false, the illusionary, the deluded, the conceptual, the limited and confined.
You are on your way to something (although in Reality it’s already here) that can’t even be compared to where you are right now, so I urge you just continue going with this, find the awareness about the process and don’t turn away from the grueling parts in this.
They are highly transformative and as you grow spiritually and as you begin to understand more and more about the process, the easier it gets to go through them each time.
Hope this helped you somehow.
If you’d like to have more clarification about anything at all regarding your process or your questions then please feel very free to email me (or comment below) and I’ll post another article based on your further inquiries into this.
I know how difficult and grueling this can be and I’m here to support you by sharing my own journey and experiences with you and every other reader of my website.
I’m not holding any information back, nor will I hide from anything pretending that the grueling stuff does not exist.
There’s good stuff too of course to be experienced in the process (lots of that!), but I feel it’s more important to share the things that can be challenging and not spend too much time writing about the things that are awesome and wonderful (although I do that too sometimes).
There’s enough of the ‘love and light’ type of websites out there but that’s only part of what’s really happening in this process and anyone who says that the process to awakening is blissful has not even began their own awakening process yet.
And most of what you can find in the spiritual market place is for the ego so it can feel wonderful and “spiritual”.
So please know that what you’re going through is actually ‘normal’ and nothing to run away from or avoid. Nothing is wrong even if the ego thinks so.
In the end of the process the grueling stuff is over and so are ‘you’ because they are one and the same, nothing but a mistaken identity, but it’s not enough to know that, it has to be realized and that’s the grueling part.
All false will fall away and only Truth will remain and that can hurt, it can be a very painful process to go through, but again, once on the other side.. It can’t even be compared.
This is where your precious and wonderful human-hood can be lived out as it’s meant to be lived, so trust this path, it will only lead to what is true and real.
Sending you lots of love,
Additional articles that can be helpful to you:
The first one is about aloneness:
Spiritual Awakening and Aloneness (One of my articles on VividLife)
In the process of spiritual awakening there comes a time when the interest in other people vanishes and interacting with others comes to a stop, and we spend more and more time in solitude and aloneness (not loneliness).
For the mind this can be very disturbing so to trust the process and not worry when the mind projects and imagines it all going to a ‘bad place’ is vital.
Read the whole article here:
“I have stop caring about material things and now only yearn to know truth. I have a family but feel the need to escape. I’m lost…”
Spiritual awakening and not knowingness:
”Maria, I don’t know who I am anymore”
”I don’t know what to do, I don’t have any desire to do anything but I know I ‘should’ be doing something”
”I feel passive and uninspired, I don’t feel motivated to do anything anymore”
”I feel directionless and lost”
”What should I do? I don’t know anything anymore, I don’t even know who I am”.
Do you have these types of questions and concerns yourself?
Read more here:
There’s two scenarios that can happen after a powerful insight or a wonderful spiritual experience of bliss and realization of our true self/nature, and that is:
.1 The ego takes hold of the experience and makes it into “this happened to me” (“I’m special, chosen, I have arrived, I’m enlightened” etc etc) and then basically from then on the ego (the conditioned self) will be searching for that experience again and again, and again. (But will never “find” it again).
2. You go in the other direction; you let yourself fall into the abyss of darkness and you let Grace work through you and remove all that is not of Truth.
You embrace the void, and you give yourself over to Truth completely.
If you chose this path, you will have to be willing to let go of yourself and everything that you thought and believed to be true and real. Actually, you have to be willing to let go of your life in order to be born again. (Spiritually speaking).
Most people don’t go here.
Read more here:
A commitment to Truth can for some people mean they have to spend some time alone, or even feel isolated from the world for a while and sometimes all friends and even family may be moving away from them, or fall away.
That has been my own experience many times throughout my life, in different phases of my life.
Read more here:
If you feel like weeping, if you feel like the most alone person in the world, abandoned by Life itself (or whatever word you want to use), if you feel that nothing is working and you ask yourself if this is really all that life has to offer, then here’s my suggestion and advise to you:
It can be very weird sometimes in the process of spiritual awakening to find oneself rapidly changing and shedding the old because sometimes the ‘old’ is not only the ‘bad stuff’ (or what we usually consider to be of the “ego”).
Sometimes what we love falls away too.
Question from Reader:
“Through these experiences I have come to a place where I want to quit my job and sell my house”.
Spiritual Surrender means complete surrender and letting go.
It means total empty-handedness. (Which include empty-mindedness; you are realizing that You are beyond mind).
The mind gets quiet and cleaned out, and with time you will discover and experience for yourself how the mind tries to make sense of the silence because it’s so used to be active all the time.
Read the whole article here:
There is a reason that the darker side of spiritual awakening is called spiritual crisis, spiritual madness and spiritual emergency; it’s because that’s how it’s experienced.
It’s madness to the point we think we’re loosing our minds (which we in essence are, spiritually speaking), the crises’ we go through are plain hellish, and there’s an acute emotional and mental emergency that’s nothing like the average kind of depression.
Not that I’m saying the average depression is any less difficult, but it’s different.
It’s on a different level of being. It’s a part of the death of the ego.
Read more here:
Q&A with a Reader:
“It feels good to be able to express all of this confusion. I don’t know if I am still awakened and lately I panicked and I was wondering if I should consult a life coach..
The only issue with the coach is that he /she will ask me for a clear goal and I don’t have any for real.
I just have some fears that I want to avoid.
Before that, I was so sure about wanting to achieve my full potential as a being but now it feels like a new kind of brainwash, it is like going deeper into mind.”
Read more here:
Submit more questions and topic requests here:
The process of spiritual awakening doesn’t’ have to be like this (there are no rules and regulations on how Truth moves and does its thing), but for most people it is a very difficult process.