Bono quote

Feeling ashamed for being single

“Why do I feel ashamed for being single when I’m happier alone?”

Expectations! Because the small self, the ego, is in need of approval and of being accepted and wanting to fit in.

And since those kinds of beliefs or programming clashes with who you really are, it creates inner friction, which in your case manifests as feelings of shame.

You are not here to audition for other peoples approval or acceptance.

A great question to ask yourself that will help you discover what’s causing the shame is this:

“What would I have to believe is true about myself in order to feel this way?”

Any kind of pain, such as for example shame, is about resistance to the truth of who you really are.

From this simple question, you will clearly see how the ego has made you believe or think something about yourself that is not true.

And then from that new awareness you’re able to shift to the reality of who you really are, as it makes no sense to believe the thoughts that are limiting the truest expression of who you really are.

That way you’re no longer participating in the energy vibration of the Matrix, where the majority of the people in your life live.

You’re a different breed, and times are rapidly changing.

What once was the norm is no longer, and this is true about many things and areas in life, and you’ve moved into this new world while your friends and family hasn’t.

So the ‘you’ that once belonged to the old world, that’s the one that is feeling shame, but the new (and real) you is not.

It’s about your Identity, and when you’re not what or who others expect you to be, there is shame, but the shame is connected to and comes from the small self, the self that is not You.

The resistance, or shame, is there because what ‘they’ say is not true about you, it’s something your small self has picked up as its current identity.

So it belongs to the past, and the reason it comes up for you time and time again as you described in your email to me, is because it’s in the process of being removed from your consciousness.

This, what you’re reading right now, is part of that process.

It’s all connected and today could be the day when you see through the illusion of identity and how nonsensical it is to believe an old programming that you in many ways already have seen through (as you mentioned your awakening process too.)

Then it becomes kind of easy and obvious to just drop the need of approval and the feeling of shame for not living up to the expectations of the false self (and other people’s false selves), doesn’t it?

And then it’s also easy to shift to a higher vibration and a different story than the one that is keeping you in shame.

What do you prefer?

Confidence in who you really are, or shame, because your small self seeks to fit into the mold of how others thinks life should be?

And you already know this. Just look at what you wrote, it kind of answers your own question, doesn’t it?

“My family doesn’t understand how am I still single at almost 28. I feel like the black sheep, even though I know everything is unfolding as it should be.

The funny thing is, all the people that ask me why I’m single, are the ones in unhappy relationships – they cheat on their partners, complain, and want to leave their marriage. But yet they still question me – why are you alone? Don’t you want kids? Marriage? – and the answer is – no, I don’t.”

“.. it still hurts when people see me as the single one, and I know that it is something I have to heal inside, otherwise this situation wouldn’t be showing up for so many years.”

The confidence is already there, you just need to choose sides (and do the inner work to establish within you what is true about you).

We’re all different, even if some pretend they are not.

In your email you also shared with me that this embarrasses you, so I want to share something with you that might help you feel better (and less alone).

I’m single too, and I’ve been single for a loooong time. And I didn’t want kids either, I never wanted children or a family life.

I remember when I was younger and had just got my first real boyfriend and my mom was so excited and hoped that we would eventually marry and have children – and in her mind, the sooner the better! 😊

She longed for grandchildren and I remember telling her that “a child will never be born through this body. I’m never having children”.

I simply was never into any of that, but I never felt ashamed or bad about it either. I just stated it as a fact and that was that.

Same with being single.

I’m sure my family and other people have wondered why I’m single but there is nothing in me that cares the slightest about what they think.

It’s just not in me to care.

And that same attitude is available to you too, it’s in you (as it is in everyone), but you have to connect with it and embody it as the person you want to be (and really are), not the person others expect you to be.

As long as a person is happy and not harming anybody else, why would anyone care what others do or how they live their life?

“(Why do you care?) I just don’t want the same things that seem to be of great importance to you, that’s all” and then leave it at that.

Explaining more usually only triggers their own resistance to themselves and that in turn can lead to unnecessary arguments and discussions.

The world is shifting.

As I mentioned before; the world is changing and the old rules of life no longer apply.

Every single structure (family, the way we work etc.) of the world is shifting and in the process of massive transformation, and it’s changing fast.

There are plenty of people out there in the world who have other things that they want to give their time and energy to than what is expected, such as getting married, having children and all that.

Its just not for everybody anymore as we have evolved and become freer in our thinking. The consciousness of the world has expanded so much the past few decades!

For those who want that (family life), great, that’s awesome (and I’m sincerely happy for you), but for many people that’s not something they want for themselves and that should be okay too.

More people nowadays choose to be single and not have children, and it’s how they feel about it that determines the experience of their life.

So the faster you can give yourself the approval that the ego seeks from others, the faster you become free from the emotions of the false self.

When you’re able to be the sole giver of acceptance of yourself, other people will just stop asking you why you aren’t like them, but until that happens it can be a process to getting there within yourself.

Another powerful question to ask yourself is this:

“What am I afraid would happen in this situation (with nosy family asking questions for example) if I actually allow myself to be who I really am?

The two questions I’ve shared with you; write down the answers and journal about it and then things will become much clearer for you.

Then you will see the Truth very clearly and you will be able to shift to a more empowered state of being, and what happens then is that other people’s opinions won’t matter at all and you feel free to be yourself no matter what.

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Comments

  1. Val

    This is soo helpful Maria, thank you!!!
    It’s funny, I can see how my life is always better when I am single (literally the day a relationship breaks up everything else starts flowing in, and flowing in FAST – money, new friends, travel, incredible events etc.), but people will just say – it’s because you haven’t met the right person yet.
    I must admit, while my life so far has been better off alone, I still long for that deep, loving relationship. A true love between two people, it really is a beautiful thing and I’m afraid that it won’t happen for me. When someone you love and who loves you kisses you, hugs you when you’re upset, I do miss that. And it’s painful missing it everyday and living in fear of never having it, and I’m not sure how to release something that feels like a natural thing to want..
    Yet.. I know it can’t be the wanting of my true self, because your true self never wants things that badly and with such desperation, so it must be telling me something else instead (even if my ego keeps screaming how natural it is to want this!) I just hope I see it soon!
    Do you ever feel like that?

  2. I’m so glad to hear you found it helpful Val. 😊

    To answer your question I think some background information will be helpful;

    My work has been the most important thing to me for the past decade and a half so I was never interested in meeting anyone.

    I actually felt that a relationship would have been in the way and taken time from my dedication to my work, so I chose to be single.

    And then when the awakening process went on, I really needed to be alone so a relationship at that time would have been completely out of the question.

    So I never had the longing or yearning that you have.

    I mean, sure, there were times when I lived in Norway and was in the midst of the awakening process and my ego had its temper tantrums and fits and I felt cursed and bullied by some unseen evil forces of the universe LOL!

    Those moments I yearned for a ‘normal life’ and I wanted to do things that other people did, like meeting someone, having good friends and so on, but I was meant to go through the awakening process alone and not have those things at the time.

    And those moments were very few really (when I longed for a special someone in my life).

    I’ve always been different and perfectly okay with being alone, so when the tantrums were over and I again came to myself I was actually grateful for not having to be around people while going through the process that I went through.

    So in that sense I can relate to your longing, although my longing was always very brief, and after the awakening it is non-existent.

    I mean, sure, nowadays I’m definitely open to meet someone, but I’m not looking.

    I believe that when (and if) I’m meant to fall in love, I will meet someone and it will just kind of ‘happen’.

    And if I’m meant to be single all my life then that would be okay too, that’s kind of how I feel about the whole thing.

    How I think it’s with you;

    When you’ve become comfortable and okay with being alone, that’s when you will probably meet someone.

    What’s important to realize is that the more you want something (or someone), the more you’re energetically pushing them away, and the more you fall in love with yourself and your life, the more attractive you become (energetically), both to other people and also the all the other goodies of life and the universe.

    So if you can come to peace with your singleness, then that’s the first step to come out of it! But it has to be ‘real’, you can’t fake the detachment.

    That’s one of the many the funny paradoxes of life that the ego resist and doesn’t like at all. 😊

  3. Val

    You are so right! I love the way you described that. Thank you so much, that really helped 🙏

  4. Stephen

    So true, Maria.

    I am single, too. And content with it. You post has resonated. Thank you again, love you.

    Take care, blessings.

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