How do I get my awakening back, Maria? (1/2)
“I want my enlightenment back!”
I recently received a long email with questions from someone who’s going through a spiritual awakening process and I know that many, many people can relate to what this person is going through and they have similar questions themselves, so here’s the email and my reply.
“I have searched the internet, my soul, my dreams and every waking moment for an answer.
It feels like all my efforts meet with a very dark and endless abyss. I’ve seen your website along with many, many, many others and you stood out because your articles describe me – my experience – my current reality.
Maria, I am begging for your help.
The web is filled with posts on the experience of a spiritual awakening but posts on how to restore such in the event of its loss, are scant.
This is how I found you. One of your articles dealt briefly with the topic and it is the situation I find myself in right now.
After many years of intense suffering and years of spiritual seeking, I received the blessing of a spiritual awakening.
You have written about what follows; untold joy, peace, absolute love, quiet mind, confusion, chaos, etc.
I went through this chaos and confusion internally and did some things which would ultimately bring me to where I am now (marrying a psychopath two months after awakening to mention but one).
Maria, over time I have lost my ‘Presence’ and am now lost. I am no longer awakened.
I know this because my mind is raging; I do not exude love; I am in turmoil; I engage in abusive confrontations; I am drenched again in duality; my life is a mess; I am without a job/can’t get my business off the ground; I have no money, no food; still married to a psychopath (albeit not living together). I can go on and on.
I seek to be One with Source again, so so incredibly much.
I have said prayers, done exercises, worked hard on staying in the present moment, joined internet forums, grabbing onto anything, I just do not know what to do anymore; everything suggested is being analyzed by me in seconds and either discarded or further investigated.
I wish to radiate love again; radiate the energy that attracted all whom I came in contact. I wish to radiate with humility, empathy and kindness.
What should I do Maria?
How could I have gone from eternal love for all people, animals and plants to resentment, bitterness, weak to love?
Even smiling these days appear to be an effort! How does one lose the biggest gift of all?
What am I?
I’m begging you, please help me Maria. How do I restore or regain the gift of absolute love, joy and peace?
I hope you are able to respond and possibly shed some light on this darkness I am experiencing.”
First of all I want to begin by saying that what you experienced when you thought you had an awakening is not the awakening itself.
Spiritual awakening is not a one-time event (although there are very few exceptions), and if someone ‘gave’ it to you as you wrote that you “received” it, then you have been deceived and I hope you didn’t give the person any money for the “awakening”.
No one can give another person an awakening, but I know there are people selling enlightenment, but that cannot be done, it’s all a scheme.
Here’s an old post that I think you might like: “I can give you enlightenment“
I know that the experience of awakening is wonderful, and that’s also why the ego wants it ‘back’, it thinks the experience is the big awakening, but it’s not.
Here’s a couple of (old) posts that I think you might like: mariaerving.com/spiritual-awakening-versus-being-awakened and this one.
You don’t ‘have it’ one second then lose it the other, it doesn’t work that way.
So everything that you perceive as bad, wrong, difficult, whatever word you want to use, that’s the real awakening!
And it’s a process, a process of shedding that which is false, so that’s what you’re experiencing right now.
In this process the seeker will die, to put it bluntly.
So the one who desperately wants to ‘get it back’, is the one who won’t get it back, because you can’t take that ‘person’ (identity) with you to Reality.
Here’s a few of my older articles that I think you might find helpful:
So there is nothing to ‘restore’, only to let go of, even the experiences because they are not the awakening, and all the love, peace and light stuff, that’s not what your ego gets to experience.
It’s what is left when ‘you’ are gone.
Then you are all those things, you don’t ‘have’ them, you are them, and the ego can never ‘become’ those things.
The more you shed the old, false self (which is happening now by grace and the fire of Truth), the more you fall back into your true identity (you come back home to yourself), which is Presence itself.
But you can’t have it, you are it.
The turmoil, the chaos, the confusion all belong to the ego and the ego is fighting this process, it’s dying, so of course there’s friction, there’s confusion, there’s tears, rage and what not, and all of it serves your awakening whether you like it or not.
The irony in all this is that when your seeking stops, that’s when you realize yourself as presence, as “God” if you will.
It all boils down to surrender, and that is also a process, so you are not awakened and you did not lose it; what happened was that the spiritual awakening experience opened up the process and your journey has just began.
Continue reading part 2 here: