|I have a crush on you", how to stop obsessing about someone

How do I stop fantasizing about someone?

“I’m struggling to let go of being in a constant state of envisaging and fantasizing about a future with a specific person”

Hi Maria,

Firstly, thank you so much for everything you do here.

You have helped me more than anyone else on the internet on my spiritual unfolding and I am very grateful for it.

The latest obstacle I’ve encountered in my journey is that I’ve fallen in love with someone I barely know and who lives on the other side of the world with a partner.

I’ve never loved anyone this much before, and so much of my time is spent in romantic fantasies about her, envisaging our future life together, all the truth and beauty that this appears to promise.

I can feel my inner self telling me that it is not the right time for us to come together (if there will ever be a right time), that there is growth and work that I need to focus on in the present and I need to be alone for it.

I feel so deeply drawn to this woman on a very pure soul level, but I think my ego has picked up on the elements of this romantic fantasy that appeals to it as well, and as a result this fantasy is becoming something of an escape or a distraction from what really needs my attention in the present.

I’m struggling to let go of being in a constant state of envisaging and fantasizing about a future with her, or of even accepting that I can’t know or control whether we will end up together, and to just let things unfold as they are supposed to and to connect with my own source energy rather than placing it in another person who I’m not even interacting with at the moment.

On some level I think I’m scared of losing someone who I truly feel may be the love of my life, and that this is holding me back from finding truth in the present.

Do you have any advice to help me move forward in my journey?

My reply:

Many times when we allow the mind to do its little dance or thing, it stops obsessing about whatever it is obsessing about.

When we’re doing something that is creating an internal war, like obsessing, fantasizing, imagining scenarios and having imaginary conversations in our head etc, the mind has a stronger hold on us the more we ‘fight’ it.

But when we say to the mind that ‘ok, think about it, obsess about it, fantasize about it, it’s okay’, it has a way of slowing down and even stopping it altogether.

This is because when you give the mind ‘permission’, it no longer creates internal conflict, and then it kind of chooses to let it go all by itself.

It loses its interest in the internal conflict, or ‘war’, so it’s really more about letting go of resistance.

Try it right now.

Think of her, and let the fantasizing begin, and then when it starts to feel too much, then instead of fighting the thoughts, just let them go and allow them to roam around in your head for a while and you’ll notice that their stronghold of you becomes weaker and weaker as you allow this to happen without getting entangled or engaged in what’s going on.

And then experiment by going the opposite way, where you try to stop the thoughts and fantasizing, and where you begin obsessing about not obsessing, and making the fantasizing ‘wrong’ in your head.

Then move back again to fully allowing the thoughts to roam freely, and notice how they lessen their power and how your attention to them diminishes.

Using your awareness in this way will help you become free from the fight you’re having with yourself.

Be aware of how you use your energy towards others.

People can feel and sense things subconsciously, so be respectful in the way you project your energy towards others.


There’s nothing wrong with sexual or romantic fantasies, but if a sexual/romantic attraction is not reciprocated, if they don’t feel the same way about you, then I would not send that kind of energy to them.

Just think how it would feel if someone did that to you if you’re not into them.

What I would do though, is to contact the person and get to know them on a personal level (provided they’re not married or in a relationship already), and then take things from there.

Texting and online chatting is false intimacy though, and you don’t want that, no one really wants that – what we all want is a real human connection, right?

Then don’t text, but actually call them, or meet with them in person, and get to know them in a real way.

There’s nothing worse than when you’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship and when you’re getting to know someone and they bombard you with texts and chat messages every day.

In the beginning at least, form and build a real connection with the person, and then later on you can do all the texting back and forth instead, when you actually know the person.

I don’t know what your connection with this woman is, or how you know each other, so it’s difficult to say anything since she’s already in a relationship with someone else, but love is love, so if that’s what you feel for her, then maybe she needs to know.

Life is too short after all, to hold those things back.

Circle back to yourself again;

How would you want to be treated if it was the other way around?

If someone had fantasies about you, if someone had a crush on you or loved you from a distance, or had romantic (or even sexual) fantasies about you,

How would you feel about that, and how would you want to be approached, if you would want that?

And if you already were in a relationship with someone, would you want to know that there is someone out there who loves you, or is romantically interested in you, or would you not want to know or have anything to do with that?

Maybe she’s happy in her current relationship and maybe she’s not, I don’t know, but my point is;

What would it be like if the tables were turned; if YOU were the one being fantasized about, while you were in a relationship with someone else.

Thinking this way will give you a little bit more perspective on things and where you’re not only coming from a place of what you want, but from a place of awareness and consideration when it comes to how what you do and what you project also affects the other, and others (like their partner or spouse).

Our subconscious and energetic connection to and with others is powerful, so it’s important to be respectful when we use our imagination.

If you’re having romantic fantasies about her for example; then instead of fantasizing specifically about her, you can make your fantasies more general.

Meaning; you tell yourself that you’d like to have that kind of juicy and delicious relationship and intimacy with someone, but not specifically that person, so you don’t ‘see’ her in your imaginations, but you’ll have the internal experience of how it would be to have that kind of relationship with someone.

That way you’ll allow the right person to come into your life, instead of fantasizing about a specific person that you don’t even know.

See what I mean?

Let the Universe bring you the Right Person.

Then you can still enjoy the fantasies, by using your imagination and visualization to create an inner picture or vision of an ideal partner and relationship, – without the need to know specifically who that person is.

Allow the Universe to select the right person for you instead, especially since the woman you’re interested in, is currently already in a relationship.

But again; I don’t know if she’s happy in it or not, or how you know or are connected to and with her, but I would start by:

  • Experimenting by allowing your mind to roam and ‘obsess’ about her, and then steer your awareness and attention back to trying to stop the fantasizing and ‘obsessing’, and then go back to letting your mind do those things again, and see how it loses its interest in doing those things when you give it permission to do them.
  • Contact her and actually get to know her on a real human level and then take things from there. Get away from merely fantasizing, to an actual human connection with her, and then you will see if it was just a fantasy, or if there is something there for the both of you. Make things ‘real’ that way (in a respectful way), and that will help your mind to stop fantasizing about her. Either there is something between the two of you or there isn’t, and by a real connection those things can become clear.
  • Think about how you would like to be treated and/or approached. What kind of energy do you feel is respectful to project, and what feels right for you to be receptive to: What do you allow and accept when it comes to the energy that is sent your way, and what kind of energy do you reject/not accept?

We all have the right to reject any undesirable energies that are sent our way and we can affirm that out loud to ourselves and in that way build an energetic wall of protection towards those things.

I’m talking broadly now, not about your specific situation.

I know there are many people out there who are being stalked online for example, I’ve had those experiences myself, and you can shield yourself from receiving the energy of other people’s fantasies about you.

So whether you’re a man fantasizing about a woman, or a woman fantasizing about a man, or a woman fantasizing about another woman, or whoever and however it may be;

Think about how you would like to be treated and approached,

Get clear on your intention regarding why you want to make the move,

.. What is it that you really want to get out of it,

and then think about what the obvious thing would be to do to make a connection and if it feels respectful and kind,

and then take the steps that your inner being is guiding you to take,

.. which may, or may not be to let go of her completely.

But that’s what true love is, right?

To give people the respect and freedom they (that we all) deserve, whether or not our love is reciprocated.

Hope this was helpful to you.

A couple of other articles that can be helpful to you as well:

How to manifest new LOVE into your life

And here’s an old one, where the reader actually sent me a $500 donation as a thank you, which was a really nice surprise, because it freed him from obsessing about someone he thought was his soulmate:

The concept of “Soulmates” (Ask Maria)

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  1. Alfred Neumann

    I don’t want to be ‘that guy’, but that article was entirely unhelpful for me.
    The core issue is a cultural disconnect that is not being overcome.
    The attraction is mutual.
    However, I only do honesty and no b.s., but she has been culturally trained to accept the b.s.ing as ‘how all males are’.
    I don’t lie. I don’t do ‘b.s.’
    Perhaps frustration with it all drives the need to fantasize.
    I’m physically ill because I can’t be with her. There’s pain in all the expected places, and the fantasies only make it worse.
    It has to stop, and am looking for some way to re-focus away from the way I feel.
    I can’t change the feelings, but there must be some way to accept the failure and put some distance between.

  2. I’m sorry to hear that Alfred.

    Of course it’s a different thing when the attraction is mutual but the relationship is being blocked by cultural and societal stigma/prejudice and ‘rules’.

    I hope the two of you can break free from those things and enjoy the love that you share.

  3. Michelle

    I came to your article to look for ways to stop my subconsious fantacies or unrealistic expectations about affection my husband will not give me. I was learning about cognative dissonance and how getting emotionally congruent or in agreement with my thoughts and my feelings is the answer to keep from having weird energy around people and causing disruptive or leaky negativity around him. My question for you is, how do I kill off the fantacy that my husband will show me affection outside of our bed? I cannot leave my relationship or home right now and must come to grips to have a healthier mindset and learn to LET GO.

  4. Hi Michelle, and thank you for commenting and sharing.

    I’ll respond later today or tomorrow morning as I’m just about to head out.

    In the meantime, feel very welcome to share more details, or even submit via Ask Maria. Otherwise I’ll respond here in the comments. 🙂

    Hope you have a beautiful day, and speak soon.

  5. Hello again Michelle,

    Thank you for sharing from your life, – I’m sorry to hear you’re currently not able to leave the circumstances. 😐 I’ve been in similar places in my life and know how it feels.

    I have two articles that come to mind. One is a series where you can learn about energy healing (you can do energy work on situations too, and the future, not only on the body/mind/spirit level):


    The other is also for members only:


    Besides these articles, to answer your question:

    “How do I kill off the fantacy that my husband will show me affection outside of our bed? I cannot leave my relationship or home right now and must come to grips to have a healthier mindset and learn to LET GO.”

    Using our imagination to change circumstances is very powerful. You can visualize your husband treating you the way you’d like, or even communicate with him telepathically, telling him what your needs are.

    Cord cutting is also a very powerful practice in which all unhealthy dynamics and cords are severed and dissolved, leaving only what is healthy, loving, and life-affirming.

    Have you ever done anything like any of this?

  6. Michelle

    I have not done either of these. i am truly struggling with how picturing my husband treating we with affection isn’t a fantacy. What is the difference between my fantacy and manifesting his attention? I know the energy around chasing his affection will not get what I want. I feel manifesting his affection is a way to chase it. I feel that keeping some sort of fantacy of his being affectionate is not going to produce what I am longing for. SO…I need to find a way to kill the fantacy of my husband giving me affection. I will live in a celibate marriage and not have such weird energy because I will no longer ‘yearn’ or chase for it. Does any of this make sense?

  7. I think I understand better now. Oh Michelle, I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I would love to talk with you in person, that way I would be able to help more, but if that’s not an option right now then let’s ‘talk’ here, if you want to,

    I’m going to be here for a while now so please feel very welcome to chat back and forth if you’re there now as well.

    My work is about self-empowerment, so my first thought was ‘why can’t she leave’?

    And I understand that it might be difficult to talk more about those things here in the comments as it might be too personal, but what is it that prevents you from leaving a marriage/relationship that is unfulfilling?

    Despite of there being practical reasons for example, those can always be overcome.

    I’ve never been married but I’ve been in a relationship (when I was younger) that towards the end was competently loveless, no affection etc.

    We started to feel more like friends, or even more close than that, we were more like siblings at the end, and the love and all that stuff was no longer there.

    We had to continue living together before I found a new place and could leave, and it was challenging, but then eventually I could leave and we could both move on.

    So if you feel okay with sharing; why are you not able to leave? Or why don’t you think you can? Or don’t you want to for some reason, or what’s the reason for you staying, it the marriage is pretty much dead? (is it?)

    Do you mind elaborating and sharing more?

  8. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, Michelle, since you haven’t responded, but it would have been a disservice to your soul if I gave advice on how to cope with an unfulfilling situation.

    My work is about happiness and freedom, and I’m about serving your soul, and your soul is telling you something important, but no one can make you listen to it, only you can decide to do that.

    It might not be an easy road ahead for a while if you decide to leave him, but you will experience the support from the universe when you follow your innermost true feelings and intuition about your marriage.

    Only you know if there’s a chance for it to survive and ultimately thrive, or if it’s dead and over. If it’s over, then the only advice I can give you is to start moving in the direction of leaving it behind.

    You have this one life, you should be happy in it. If you’re not, then you have the power to change it.

    I know it might be challenging, especially if you’re financially dependent on him (I don’t know if that’s the reason you’re staying?), but you can do it, and when you say Yes to yourself, Life will open the doors for you.

    You will get help and the resources you need will come, but you have to trust yourself, trust that things will work out for you, even if you can’t see the way yet.

    The way always opens up once we have said Yes to the change we crave and long for.

    Hope this was helpful to you, I felt the need to say something.

  9. Michelle

    Truthfully I believe my husband and I are suffering in this life with depression about unmet expectations and unforseen tragedy. Neither wanted to have our lives to be shaped by these things but inevitably we are both shadows of ourselves. He is no more a hero of his life than I am in mine. But he has never been able to cheerlead me when I needed him to have my 6. I have always had his, and then some. I need some reciprocation. He says he’s trying but not long after he is inconsistent and dismissive. He pulls away and I chase. I don’t want to chase anymore. What am I going to get when I ‘capture’ him? Do I even want it anymore? I know this relationship could be repaired if he would simply stop running away. He refuses therapy. There’s not much I can do when he doesn’t seek to heal what is broken in him. There is not substance abuse or otherwise. Apathetic to a possible better future is very real. His energy is draining. I am not who I want to be when I spend time in his energy. I cannot leave because of financial issues that are more complicated than I care to get into. I am happier when I don’t consider spending time with him unless he’s having a rare good day.

  10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me, Michelle. It takes a lot of courage to express what you’re going through, and I want you to know that I hear you and understand the challenges you’re facing.

    It’s clear that you’re longing for a connection, understanding, and reciprocity in your relationship with your husband. These are fundamental needs, and it’s completely valid to want them fulfilled.

    It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy burden for quite some time, and it’s not easy to confront these issues, especially when met with resistance from your husband.

    While I’m here to support you, I believe that at this point it would be better to talk more deeply about everything in a one-on-one session.

    Please let me know if you would like to schedule a session. There is hope for positive change but it’s not easy to go deeper into all this in writing, it’s better to talk.

    If that’s not something you feel drawn to do right now, then I really recommend my Transformational Prayer Process, it’s so powerful, and can change your life for the better very quickly:


    I also recommend my article about Karmic relationships, it will help you understand the nature of your connection better:


    (The article and the Transformational Prayer Process are members only content.)

    Sending much love and empowering energy your way, and please feel very free to share any updates here in the comments, or if there’s anything else you want to say or express.

    Sometimes by just saying these things and expressing them can trigger powerful changes and new awareness and insights that will help you move forwards in your life.

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