How do I stop fantasizing about someone?
“I’m struggling to let go of being in a constant state of envisaging and fantasizing about a future with a specific person”
Firstly, thank you so much for everything you do here.
You have helped me more than anyone else on the internet on my spiritual unfolding and I am very grateful for it.
The latest obstacle I’ve encountered in my journey is that I’ve fallen in love with someone I barely know and who lives on the other side of the world with a partner.
I’ve never loved anyone this much before, and so much of my time is spent in romantic fantasies about her, envisaging our future life together, all the truth and beauty that this appears to promise.
I can feel my inner self telling me that it is not the right time for us to come together (if there will ever be a right time), that there is growth and work that I need to focus on in the present and I need to be alone for it.
I feel so deeply drawn to this woman on a very pure soul level, but I think my ego has picked up on the elements of this romantic fantasy that appeals to it as well, and as a result this fantasy is becoming something of an escape or a distraction from what really needs my attention in the present.
I’m struggling to let go of being in a constant state of envisaging and fantasizing about a future with her, or of even accepting that I can’t know or control whether we will end up together, and to just let things unfold as they are supposed to and to connect with my own source energy rather than placing it in another person who I’m not even interacting with at the moment.
On some level I think I’m scared of losing someone who I truly feel may be the love of my life, and that this is holding me back from finding truth in the present.
Do you have any advice to help me move forward in my journey?
Many times when we allow the mind to do its little dance or thing, it stops obsessing about whatever it is obsessing about.
When we’re doing something that is creating an internal war, like obsessing, fantasizing, imagining scenarios and having imaginary conversations in our head etc, the mind has a stronger hold on us the more we ‘fight’ it.
But when we say to the mind that ‘ok, think about it, obsess about it, fantasize about it, it’s okay’, it has a way of slowing down and even stopping it altogether.
This is because when you give the mind ‘permission’, it no longer creates internal conflict, and then it kind of chooses to let it go all by itself.
It loses its interest in the internal conflict, or ‘war’, so it’s really more about letting go of resistance.
Try it right now.
Think of her, and let the fantasizing begin, and then when it starts to feel too much, then instead of fighting the thoughts, just let them go and allow them to roam around in your head for a while and you’ll notice that their stronghold of you becomes weaker and weaker as you allow this to happen without getting entangled or engaged in what’s going on.
And then experiment by going the opposite way, where you try to stop the thoughts and fantasizing, and where you begin obsessing about not obsessing, and making the fantasizing ‘wrong’ in your head.
Then move back again to fully allowing the thoughts to roam freely, and notice how they lessen their power and how your attention to them diminishes.
Using your awareness in this way will help you become free from the fight you’re having with yourself.
Be aware of how you use your energy towards others.
People can feel and sense things subconsciously, so be respectful in the way you project your energy towards others.
There’s nothing wrong with sexual or romantic fantasies, but if a sexual/romantic attraction is not reciprocated, if they don’t feel the same way about you, then I would not send that kind of energy to them.
Just think how it would feel if someone did that to you if you’re not into them.
What I would do though, is to contact the person and get to know them on a personal level (provided they’re not married or in a relationship already), and then take things from there.
Texting and online chatting is false intimacy though, and you don’t want that, no one really wants that – what we all want is a real human connection, right?
Then don’t text, but actually call them, or meet with them in person, and get to know them in a real way.
There’s nothing worse than when you’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship and when you’re getting to know someone and they bombard you with texts and chat messages every day.
In the beginning at least, form and build a real connection with the person, and then later on you can do all the texting back and forth instead, when you actually know the person.
I don’t know what your connection with this woman is, or how you know each other, so it’s difficult to say anything since she’s already in a relationship with someone else, but love is love, so if that’s what you feel for her, then maybe she needs to know.
Life is too short after all, to hold those things back.
Circle back to yourself again;
How would you want to be treated if it was the other way around?
If someone had fantasies about you, if someone had a crush on you or loved you from a distance, or had romantic (or even sexual) fantasies about you,
How would you feel about that, and how would you want to be approached, if you would want that?
And if you already were in a relationship with someone, would you want to know that there is someone out there who loves you, or is romantically interested in you, or would you not want to know or have anything to do with that?
Maybe she’s happy in her current relationship and maybe she’s not, I don’t know, but my point is;
What would it be like if the tables were turned; if YOU were the one being fantasized about, while you were in a relationship with someone else.
Thinking this way will give you a little bit more perspective on things and where you’re not only coming from a place of what you want, but from a place of awareness and consideration when it comes to how what you do and what you project also affects the other, and others (like their partner or spouse).
Our subconscious and energetic connection to and with others is powerful, so it’s important to be respectful when we use our imagination.
If you’re having romantic fantasies about her for example; then instead of fantasizing specifically about her, you can make your fantasies more general.
Meaning; you tell yourself that you’d like to have that kind of juicy and delicious relationship and intimacy with someone, but not specifically that person, so you don’t ‘see’ her in your imaginations, but you’ll have the internal experience of how it would be to have that kind of relationship with someone.
That way you’ll allow the right person to come into your life, instead of fantasizing about a specific person that you don’t even know.
See what I mean?
Let the Universe bring you the Right Person.
Then you can still enjoy the fantasies, by using your imagination and visualization to create an inner picture or vision of an ideal partner and relationship, – without the need to know specifically who that person is.
Allow the Universe to select the right person for you instead, especially since the woman you’re interested in, is currently already in a relationship.
But again; I don’t know if she’s happy in it or not, or how you know or are connected to and with her, but I would start by:
- Experimenting by allowing your mind to roam and ‘obsess’ about her, and then steer your awareness and attention back to trying to stop the fantasizing and ‘obsessing’, and then go back to letting your mind do those things again, and see how it loses its interest in doing those things when you give it permission to do them.
- Contact her and actually get to know her on a real human level and then take things from there. Get away from merely fantasizing, to an actual human connection with her, and then you will see if it was just a fantasy, or if there is something there for the both of you. Make things ‘real’ that way (in a respectful way), and that will help your mind to stop fantasizing about her. Either there is something between the two of you or there isn’t, and by a real connection those things can become clear.
- Think about how you would like to be treated and/or approached. What kind of energy do you feel is respectful to project, and what feels right for you to be receptive to: What do you allow and accept when it comes to the energy that is sent your way, and what kind of energy do you reject/not accept?
We all have the right to reject any undesirable energies that are sent our way and we can affirm that out loud to ourselves and in that way build an energetic wall of protection towards those things.
I’m talking broadly now, not about your specific situation.
I know there are many people out there who are being stalked online for example, I’ve had those experiences myself, and you can shield yourself from receiving the energy of other people’s fantasies about you.
So whether you’re a man fantasizing about a woman, or a woman fantasizing about a man, or a woman fantasizing about another woman, or whoever and however it may be;
Think about how you would like to be treated and approached,
Get clear on your intention regarding why you want to make the move,
.. What is it that you really want to get out of it,
and then think about what the obvious thing would be to do to make a connection and if it feels respectful and kind,
and then take the steps that your inner being is guiding you to take,
.. which may, or may not be to let go of her completely.
But that’s what true love is, right?
To give people the respect and freedom they (that we all) deserve, whether or not our love is reciprocated.
Hope this was helpful to you.
A couple of other articles that can be helpful to you as well:
“How to manifest new LOVE into your life“
And here’s an old one, where the reader actually sent me a $500 donation as a thank you, which was a really nice surprise, because it freed him from obsessing about someone he thought was his soulmate:
“The concept of “Soulmates” (Ask Maria)“
Would you like me to write an article for you too?
(Original) image by Leonardo Sanches on Unsplash.com
I don’t want to be ‘that guy’, but that article was entirely unhelpful for me.
The core issue is a cultural disconnect that is not being overcome.
The attraction is mutual.
However, I only do honesty and no b.s., but she has been culturally trained to accept the b.s.ing as ‘how all males are’.
I don’t lie. I don’t do ‘b.s.’
Perhaps frustration with it all drives the need to fantasize.
I’m physically ill because I can’t be with her. There’s pain in all the expected places, and the fantasies only make it worse.
It has to stop, and am looking for some way to re-focus away from the way I feel.
I can’t change the feelings, but there must be some way to accept the failure and put some distance between.
I’m sorry to hear that Alfred.
Of course it’s a different thing when the attraction is mutual but the relationship is being blocked by cultural and societal stigma/prejudice and ‘rules’.
I hope the two of you can break free from those things and enjoy the love that you share.