The #1 type of people to stay away from
Insecure people are the worst people you can ever allow into your life.
Never sink down to other people’s level of self confidence (or lack thereof) to make them feel more comfortable about themselves when they are around you.
Spending time with people who aren’t vibing with you can be toxic.
It can also shift your energy where you momentarily end up forgetting you who are and what you’re about (what your values are) and you find yourself getting drawn into an energy that you don’t really like being in.
Today I invite you to release these types of limiting influences from your life so that your life can unfold with more flow and a lot less drama!
And it’s not about finger pointing and blaming others for any drama in your life.
It’s about awareness and realizing that it’s actually all up to you to choose who you allow into your life.
One of the worst people you can ever engage with or have anything to do with is the insecure type.
Here’s 4 characteristics to look for in order to spot them.
Insecure people are:
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Easily intimidated and offended.
They take everything personally and if it happens to be something they’re insecure about, they’ll take heavy offense.
What you usually feel when being around them is that you have to tiptoe around them and you’re cautious of saying something that might upset them.
So you shrink yourself down and make yourself smaller around them so that your presence won’t rock the boat or ruffle their feathers.
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Erratic and unpredictable.
They may seem nice but can suddenly get really defensive and lash out and attack you (usually with words that are hurtful).
What you usually feel when being around them is a nagging feeling that you can’t really trust them, although you can’t quite put your finger on why because they ‘seem nice’ and ‘others seem to like them’.
So you question your own judgment and gut feeling about them and by doing this you allow them into your life little by little until you realize what you knew instinctively already from the beginning.
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They sabotage and destroy.
They have a narcissistic personality where they can’t see any other perspective than their own, and if you ‘go against’ them they get angry and hostile.
What you can experience when being with them is that they gossip and talk negatively about other people and they usually make themselves the victim of something that others has supposedly done to them.
Watch out if you have even voiced an opinion that they feel threatened by because you can be sure that they will bad-talk you behind your back too.
They also try to sabotage any kind of improvement that you are trying to make in your life.
Such as buying you a chocolate bar when you have just mentioned to them that you’re trying to lose weight, or they invite you out for a drink when you have just told them that you’re cutting down on alcohol.
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Overly proud and close-minded.
They are stubborn and nearly impossible to have a conversation with where you share your opinions and viewpoints because it’s threatening to them so they don’t want to listen.
Because they are not secure in themselves they can’t deal with anything of depth and many times they also feel threatened by a confident person.
If that happens to be you as you grow more and more confident in yourself they will start to resent you and make fun of you/ridicule you.
This is because an insecure person is in a very fixed state of ego consciousness/mentality and is not open to any kind of personal growth or development.
Not for themselves or the people around them. They want everyone to stay the same so that they can feel secure and safe.
Why are insecure people insecure?
They are disconnected from who they are and have no self-awareness.
The insecure person is very much driven by the false self so everything is conditional. There’s no openness there.
And by having them in your life you can never really be who you are, and you can never grow with them.
It’s not possible to develop an intimate and close relationship with a person who is insecure.
You will always have to in some way or another cater to their ego and that can never lead to any kind of healthy and harmonious relationship.
It will always be conditional, a one-way kind of relationship.
The only relationships that really matter are the ones in which you can truly be yourself.
In these relationships, you’ll feel free to express everything you think and feel at any time, and not to mention that you actually enjoy their company. You like being with them.
Insecure people are not fun to be around and can be detrimental to your spiritual, mental and emotional health so I suggest you avoid them at all cost.
Learn to read people’s energy by trusting your gut feeling about them.
Trust yourself.
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Hi Maria,
I can fully relate to this article based on recent events in my life. Me and my immediate family were subjected to a complete social boycott by the spiritual group that we were part of simply because I didn’t toe the line in a particular matter. This matter is actually a relatively minor/insignificant thing compared to the involvement we all had in this group. So, clearly it was not about the significance of the matter but it was more of a deep intolerance towards any difference in opinion. We didn’t have many friends outside this group. For me, the group was my life and had been since childhood as the group involves some very close family members and it actually completely revolves around one particular family member. All of them broke their connections with us! This whole thing was life shattering for me and my immediate family and it was very difficult to bear at first. Needless to say, I didn’t at all want what happened in this case but once it happened, I began questioning these relationships which can go ON/OFF just like that. I would have normally (in the past) just gone and said sorry and begged for us to be taken back in (and honestly that would have definitely worked) but I found that to be so artificial and so negating of oneself that I just didn’t want to do that anymore. Some part of me wanted to just see what would happen if I didn’t do that. How can I be subject to punishment for just being honest…I asked myself. So, I found the courage to let things be as they are…perhaps it was meant to be that way, I thought. Anyway, all the checkboxes you mention here of insecure people can be checked in the case of this group. However, there is another side to it as well. This spiritual group does do a lot of good work and the members do have some very special experiences/miracles/happenings which I myself am very convinced of as being true. The members are deeply touched by these events in many ways. However, after my ‘awakening’, I found that quite ironically, a lack of wisdom and connection to oneself also exists among group members – something that to me seemed so simple and comes naturally to me (now, not before) why would people in the group not have much more of that. This I am unable to explain. So, the main question that I still haven’t been able to answer is this – How come up the divine help is there but there is no underlying wisdom and self-awareness among the group members? Shouldn’t these two be going together? Have you come across anything like this in your life? Perhaps I should give up my need to find an explanation to this.
That’s what rigid belief-systems do to groups Ajit.
Whether it’s spiritual or religious groups, or any other groups for that matter (sports, politics etc etc).
If someone sticks out (is different in some way) or has different view points and opinions you’re basically an outcast.
It can happen in any type of group setting where the members has little or no self-awareness at all and where they follow beliefs instead of themselves, so there’s no room for individuality.
You have to be and behave in a certain way in order to fit in and that stifles not only the individual (even if they think they are free they are actually programmed so they act like mindless robots) and also their relationships.
There’s a lot of ministers and other religious folks out there for example that are not actually religious anymore but they are afraid of speaking out about their awakening experiences so they continue to live a false life because everything in their life is connected to the religious community.
If they spoke out and shared what they have seen and experienced (through and in their awakening process) they would risk losing their family members and everything else in their life, such as jobs and so on.
So they go up and deliver a sermon every Sunday and speak to the masses about a God that they don’t believe in anymore because they are afraid of losing the ‘membership of the group’ which their whole lives are connected to.
Similar to what you mentioned in your comment, the group has become your life and that you don’t really have any friends that are outside of the group.
That’s the power of group mentality so anyone who opposes it is in trouble.
Even if it’s nothing more than an opinion that differs!
Opinions are just opinions and nothing to be threatened about, but that’s now how the ego rolls.
An individual who has self-awareness and who is open-minded and curious about life welcomes other peoples view points because they know that it’s just an opinion, or they simply let them live as they please without getting upset about it.
They might even find it interesting to hear how other people sees life even if it’s far from how they themselves live, and so with them you can have a conversation about the deeper things in life without getting into arguments about it.
But when adopted belief-systems becomes more important than real human interaction and connection it creates nothing but misery for all involved such as shunning, wars, and so on.
I’m reminded of a time when I was in India by the Ganges river and I was marveled how people were actually revering and worshipping the river.
Kissing the ground and (yuk!) washing themselves in it thinking (believing) they would be cleansed etc.
To me all rivers are “holy”, the whole of nature is, and so I started to talk with an American woman who had just pushed away a little boy that was begging for food so that she could throw herself at “the feet of the river” in a worship.
She became aggressive towards me when I said that there’s nothing more holy about the Ganges than any other river in the world and she started to talk about the river as if it was her God, or a person that she needed to defend.
Anyways, my point is that she shoved away the boy so that she could get to the river and fall on her knees by it.
A freakin’ RIVER.
Respecting a river before a human being!
It’s incredible what beliefs do to a person.
The more beliefs a person has the more deluded they are, completely lost in their egos.
As I read your comment I feel happy for you that you didn’t go back this time and begged to be taken back into the group.
You’re better off without them.
Relationships should be based on mutual respect and genuine care for each others well-being.
As with the woman by the Ganges and the group you belonged to there was neither.
Instead they worship the idols their egos has created, a system of beliefs that will continue to keep them in bondage for as long as they never question them (as you have done).
But there might be others in your (former) group that has the same thoughts as you but are not voicing them because they are afraid of the consequences and by seeing you standing in your power and breaking free, they might become empowered by you to break free themselves.
Regarding the second part of your comment where you wrote that the spiritual group does a lot of good too.
So what?
You can do good too.
You don’t need them, you don’t need their guidelines for what it means to be a “good person”.
You can go on and create your own life based on your own inner moral compass.
And miracles can happen to anyone, there’s no one more deserving than another.
The Universe, or Life/Truth, does not judge, keep score, and pick and choose some over others.
You can have all the “good things” that the group offered without being part of them.
You don’t need anyone of anything outside of yourself in order to experience good things (and miracles) in your life.
The good stuff in life is not dependent on anything outside of yourself.
It’s all a matter of consciousness.
Lastly you asked:
“How come the divine help is there but there is no underlying wisdom and self-awareness among the group members?
Shouldn’t these two be going together?
Have you come across anything like this in your life?
Perhaps I should give up my need to find an explanation to this.”
Again, the Universe don’t look at one group and say “okay, those over there are really spiritual so I’m going to sprinkle some miracles over their lives”.
It responds to your inner energy and consciousness, so even if they are unconscious of who they are (they lack self-awareness and wisdom), they can still express (natural human) things like compassion and gratitude and so on.
Many times the do-gooders are not really happy inside though, that is something you should know.
They only do good because they fear that if they don’t they are going to be looked up as “ungodly”, or they are afraid that their god will reject and punish them if they don’t “do good” and if they are not ‘perfect in the eyes of the Lord’ so to speak.
So they live conditioned lives where their compassion and generosity and so on comes from a place of ego.
They tithe for example because they think (believe) they have to, not because they actually want to for the mere joy of giving.
So what is happening is that they are living out the beliefs and mentality of the group they belong to, which is based in ego (the false self).
And every “good thing” or “miracle” that happens to them or to the people around them then reinforces the beliefs.
But good things and miracles can happen to anyone at any time in their lives.
You don’t have to “be good” or “do good” to experience them or have them.
So the members of the group is only living out their beliefs while being constrained in them at the same time.
Divine help and self-awareness are not connected in that way.
Divine help is available to anyone, and so are miracles.
It’s just that your whole focus has been on the group and what happens there, so you have blocked out or been blind to everything good and great that happens outside of your chosen circle of friends and community.
There’s a lot of good things happening in this world, not just in your group.
When you start to move outside of it you will come to see that:
1.) You are free to be who you are in the world and to have opinions about things without being shunned for them.
There’s a whole world out there that is full of friendly, open-minded people who are interested in hearing them.
2.) Life’s pretty good outside of the fences of rigid belief-systems and good things happen there as well as it does anywhere else in the world and in life.
You won’t lose a thing, my friend, by leaving them.
There might be grief involved, tears might be shed and so on, and that’s perfectly natural.
Go through that process knowing that you are on the right path simply because it feels right in your heart.
You are being released from an outdated state of consciousness and you are now ready to grow beyond where you have ever been before, so you have much to look forward to.
Good for you that you have left the group, now you can come to see what life is really about.
It’s always to be found outside of the boundaries of the ego, and the ego state of consciousness is always bound by beliefs.
So by questioning your beliefs and seeing through them, consciousness is liberated and you become free.
Yes, I do feel free and happy even in the middle of grief. Also, the mental separation with the group happened for me before the event that triggered the physical separation. So, there was that time in the middle when I was in conflict which I am no longer in now. So, that is good!
Let me ask you about beliefs though. Since you have travelled to India, you would have come across spiritual groups here. So, you would know what the belief like “guru worship” means. It is a complete surrender to the guru. The way I see it now, such a surrender no longer makes any sense to me – it restricts freedom, creates conflicts in the mind and can’t make the follower truly happy. Yet, it has been going on – not only in India but even outside like for example – Jesus and his disciples. I see the problems with this following. I can totally relate to what you are saying about beliefs and I can relate to Krishnamurthi’s teachings on this too. Those all make sense to me because it is not a mere intellectual agreement but something far more deeper. However, there were many greats who have followed such beliefs and reached somewhere. Were they never free? I don’t know the answer to that but I do know that that is not the path for me.
I’ve always had a strong sense of individuality and independence so the whole Guru-thing (or surrendering to a person) was never my thing.
You asked;
“However, there were many greats who have followed such beliefs and reached somewhere. Were they never free?”
No use in speculating in that really.
Who knows what they were or are.
Your last sentence is the best answer and advice, which you gave yourself, and that is to follow the Truth within you.
That path is guaranteed to liberate you fully.
Forget about what others do and how other people live (or have lived) etc.
Focus on You and your own life path and stay true to that and all will always be well with you 🙂
Ouch, this article hurt because I see myself in it!
I don’t see myself in all of the things you listed. I do think I’m open-minded, and I don’t seek to destroy or sabotage, but I do find my feelings get easily hurt, especially if something is presented to me in a way or tone I don’t like. I also find myself grumbling about someone if I feel they “stepped” on my toes.
However I can and do take responsibility for myself and am able to admit if I’m wrong. But I do feel I play it safe with people and get upset if they don’t do the same with me. Only in my intimate relationships do I feel free to fully express myself and am open to criticism (although I don’t like it) and am able to work things out with that person.
And you are correct. It keeps a distance between me and people. I love having deep discussions about things with people, and at work, I’m well-liked, but there is always this nagging feeling: “if they really knew me…”
It’s just this constant undercurrent of always feeling wrong, being wrong, not being well received by others, and if somebody, God forbids, bumps into that, I get angry and usually just withdraw. I think because it confirms the worse beliefs I have about myself.
Having said all that, I’ve never been someone who has derived a lot of pleasure from relationships with people. I tend to be more introverted. I like animals, and nature, and when I was little, I was more of a reader, or enjoyed quieter activities. But I know all is not right in how I feel in relationship to others.
Thanks for listening and for a insightful (but painful) article.
Thanks for listening.
..and one more thing. I think the worse fear I have is that I’m not really capable of really loving someone and that scares the hell of out of me. I’m not even sure I know what love is other than caring about someone and their well-being: my pets, my husband.
If one is operating from the ego, are they capable of love?
Okay, let’s begin from the beginning;
The ego gets butt-hurt easily, so that is clearly something for you to work on.
It’s just a self esteem thing so to build you confidence you would need to have more awareness of when these things happen (when you get offended etc) and address them right then and there.
Sometimes it’s the other person who intentionally want to irritate you or upset you and if so the best thing to do is to confront them right away.
Not in a hostile way, but to let them know that you’re not a person that they can walk all over or trample on.
Some insecure people do that because it makes them feel more powerful and confident, so by addressing that type of behavior you are teaching them that it’s not okay with you.
You can feel within yourself if it’s ‘them’ or if it’s ‘you’.
That’s why self-awareness is so important.
It’s really important to get to know the ego and how it operates in your life, otherwise it will be the leader and that is never a good thing.
The ‘grumbling’ stuff comes from you holding in and suppressing your true feelings.
If someone present to you something in a tone you don’t like or has stepped on your toes then bring that up with them immediately.
“Look, I don’t like how you speak to me, I don’t like the tone when you speak to me” or something similar is enough to open up the conversation.
Keep it calm though, calm, and at the same time try to be as confident as you can.
You can for example stand tall and that will help your mind to get in a confident state as well (the body follows the mind and vice versa).
And then take it from there.
No need to explain yourself if the other person gets butt-hurt too, but to simply state that you expect to be talked to in a respectful manner.
The insecurity on your end comes from you not standing up for yourself and that then leads to grumbling, resentment, irritation and so on.
When you have done it once it becomes easier, so try it the next time it happens.
To have things change we sometimes have to do the opposite thing that we’ve done before and that will then shift and tilt things over to the other side (towards improvement and growth).
Moving on;
You wrote that you’re not good at taking criticism.
Why is it that you don’t receive it well?
It’s just another persons opinion or observation. It doesn’t make any of it “true” or that they are ‘right’ and you are wrong.
To grow from it all you need to do is to look honestly at what they are saying and see if any of it rings true within you.
Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn’t.
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself.
“Am I like that, what she just said, even a little bit? Is there any truth to that?”
If there is then great, good that the other person shone some light on that for you (thank her for that) and made you aware of it.
Now you can do something about it and develop yourself, if you feel you want to do that.
Just because someone else doesn’t like how you are does not mean it’s wrong.
Maybe you like they way you are, and if so, continue just being yourself.
And if there isn’t any truth in what they said, then there’s nothing more to discuss really.
It’s nothing to fret about.
This too is a self-esteem thing.
A person with self-confidence wouldn’t care what other people said about them unless there was some truth to it.
Then they would do something about it if they felt it would improve their life somehow (but not because someone else wants them to change) and maybe they would also have a good laugh about themselves at the same time, in a light-hearted way.
So Lizzy, it’s just a matter of building your self-esteem and becoming more self-aware.
One of the things that I sense also from you is the need for self-acceptance.
To fully accept yourself as you are; to be okay being who you are.
I’m more of an introvert too (except for in my work) and I like solitude and being in nature and with animals etc so when I’m not working I prefer to not be among other human beings/I prefer being alone.
We’re all different and the most important relationship we can ever have is with ourselves, so tend to that, make sure you are alright with yourself.
How we love someone is also very individual.
Some are more passionate and fiery than others.
Some people fall in and out of love all the time while others only come to love one or two people in their whole lives.
We are all different, so unless you feel that you’re ‘missing out’ on someone or something, then I would suggest that you just love in the way that you do and do that fully, with all your heart.
I have had two longer (many years) relationships in my life where the relationships were based on ‘love’.
But looking at those relationships from where I am today and the love I felt for them, I now know that I haven’t really loved anybody yet in my entire life (except for friends and family, but that’s a different kind of love).
I know that the next man I fall in love with will actually be real love, because now I live from a place within me that is true (my true nature).
The love I felt for the boyfriends I had was “true” then too, I was very much in love with them, but I know now that the love we had was between two false self’s, although we didn’t know that then of course.
So it was “real” in that sense.
The love I feel today – for literally everything – is true love, it’s love in it’s truest form, so it’s very different.
So to answer your question, if ego is capable of love, I would say yes, but only in an ego-love-kind-of-way.
While in that state of consciousness it seems real and true and all that, but once you’ve moved out of the ego, you’ll see that it wasn’t true – yet it was when you were there, in the capacity that the ego can love or care for someone else.
So love and care in whatever way you do, don’t make any of it wrong. Love a little, love a lot, in whatever way you fancy 🙂
Just keep growing your self-awareness and all the other things will fall into place naturally.
Both the question of love, and also your self-confidence and self-esteem will grow and with that your self-acceptance as well of course.
Like for example now.
Something I wrote in this reply to you may have disturbed you or made you feel misunderstood or something and you feel annoyed by that.
Simply recognize it and look at the whole thing in a curious, interested way. That way you will stay open and be able to look directly at what is real (within you) and what is not.
Address what needs to be addressed (tell me how you feel ‘wronged’, if you did) and you will feel the relief in doing that and it will also build your self-esteem at the same time.
And then just move forward from there, feeling clear (no grumbling necessary:), and by seeing things clearer and clearer, Truth will come forth more and more as well, and will slowly take the place that the ego once held in your consciousness.
Thank you for your time and reply, Maria.
I felt an openness or lightness after reading your response. So thank you for that!
Self-acceptance is the big challenge. And I tend to make myself “wrong” a lot. There is always this lingering fear that I’m coming from the worse part of myself. I appreciate your advice about honestly looking inside, and if something rings true, change it, but not in a judgemental way, but in a curious way and move on.
Thank you again. I will refer to your reply a lot. Very helpful!
Lizzy
You’re very welcome Lizzy, glad I could help 🙂
Lizzy, by the way, did you see my article about responding versus reacting?
You can use the same kind of awareness in your relationships and various situations where you feel insecure.
The more you practice it, the more clear it will become to you where your reactions comes from, and then you can do something about them (the unwanted reactive behaviors).
Here’s the article:
https://mariaerving.com/change-energy-shift-consciousness
Thank you, Maria. I just read the link you sent. It’s timing is interesting.
This morning my husband made a comment about my appearance, and while it wasn’t meant to be hurtful I found myself immediately getting angry and irritable. I woke up this morning feel particularly good but I could feel my inner energy changing and it wasn’t for the good. The first thing I did was make a decision that I would not entertain being angry or offended. I thought about your last response regarding listening with curiosity to criticism. So I wondered, how would I feel if I listened to what he said as if there wasn’t a “personal” me as if I was listening totally objective like a bystander. And at that point, it became laughable and I thought why in the world am I getting so upset? And I really mean that. Even hours later, it still makes me laugh.
It’s so easy and automatic for me to get caught up in the immediate emotion of things. Today was a good lesson for me.
Thank you for thinking of me and the link. It is very timely!
Lizzy
That’s awesome to hear Lizzy! 😀
And as you keep doing it (becoming more and more aware) it gets more and more obvious what the voices are (and where they come from) that are always so easily offended by everything.
Although, we must not forget to stand up for ourselves if someone intentionally says things that are hurtful.
It’s meant to be empowering, not about becoming more of a doormat, ‘pretending not to care’.
Awareness is empowering and if you find that you can laugh about the whole thing, that’s awesome, then you have done the inner work correctly 🙂
And it’s liberating isn’t it, and it also sets consciousness free so that your inner Light can shine even brighter 🙂
Another thing I want to mention to you Lizzy, is that when things are “timely” and come to you in a synchronistic ‘timely’ way, that means you’re in the flow of Truth 🙂
That’s what taking action does; when you DO the exercises and practices and not just read/think them.
So by you stopping your automatic reactions and actually looking into them with curiosity and openness, that opened up the flow for Truth to come in so that you could transcend your issue and move to a higher level of consciousness.
Now you have greater awareness and are able to use that (practice awareness) when situations occur and deal with them differently, from an empowered place within yourself.
Everything you’ve written including the article (link) makes perfect sense. Sometimes I can read something and even practice it, but I feel I “know” it now a little more this time.
When I go with those automatic reactions I pay a price which interestingly enough is insecurity, low self-esteem, resentments and so on. And it makes sense that coming from a place that is not the Truth of who I really am it’s bound to be negative. I don’t yet know who I am in Truth, but I do know, for example yesterday, if I had gone with my automatic reaction, I’d be writing you with a different story. And I know that when I DO the practice or exercise, something as small as just pausing and not attaching myself to the emotion and running with it is very liberating! It’s just interesting to me that I would choose anything else. But I do. Your article and responses and my experience yesterday are great motivators. Hopefully I will do a better job in committing to making the “right” choice. Acting on those automatic reactions are just a dead end!
Thank you so much, Maria!
You will Lizzy, and there’s no need to try to be perfect, just aware, and when that awareness increases it will eventually become natural, just as the previous programming/habit was.
And the times you “fail”, don’t make a big fuss over it (don’t beat yourself up over it).
Just dust yourself off and move on 🙂 Be kind to yourself.
I’ve never thought about it like that before: awareness not perfection. What a gem! Thank you for that!
I’d like to just ask you something if you don’t mind. When one feels themselves getting upset, being it anger, fear, resentment, jealousy, what are questions one might ask themselves to increase awareness?
In the past, when I’ve found myself in these emotions, I’ve refer to the lesson of the day in ACIM. I have found this helpful. Mainly with ACIM from my take on it, is that I’m projecting my fear, or anger, guilt over an unconscious belief in the separation from God. But I like the idea of really questioning the validity of how I’m feeling.
Thank you so much!
“Lizzy”
Sorry, Maria. Right after I wrote this, I checked my e-mail and saw the article about fear, and questions to ask oneself.
Great synchronicity Lizzy 😀
I always ask within what I should write to my mailing list and that subject came up so I guess it was meant for you 🙂
Hope you find the article helpful and let me know if there’s anything else I can add to it, or clarify.
I thought the same thing about the synchronicity! Awesome!
My daughter-in-law is the person you describe with all the traits of an insecure person and I was recently the victim of her lashing out. Accusing me of putting her down, hurting her feelings, and talking down to her. I was dumbfounded and blindsided by her anger and accusations. She is a toxic person but I can’t just cut her out of my life. She is the mother to my grandchildren.
Well, first I would look at if there’s any truth to what she was accusing me for.
Put yourself in her shoes and see if you can see where she’s coming from.
Can you see why she experienced/felt that you ‘putting her down, hurting her feelings, and talking down to her’?
For all I know you might be the toxic person here but being completely unaware of it.
Maybe in her eyes you’re the “mother-in-law from hell”! 😊
If you were putting her down, hurting her feelings, and talking down to her then maybe an apology to her would be in place and then resolve to do your best to have a positive relationship with her.
On the other hand, if she is a toxic person then setting up a few boundaries is going to be helpful.
First determine what it is that you want and what you can do that would help your relationship work.
Write down (journal and meditate about it) what you’re willing to accept/not accept and how you want the relationship to be like and feel.
You can’t change her behavior but you can control your responses to her behavior and way of being, so think about what you can do within yourself that would be helpful for both you (in terms of self-respect) and your relationship with her.
There is no need for you to go into any drama, and when you have clear boundaries you can simply disengage and choose to respond differently (in a detached way) to her.
One way to do this is to not give unsolicited advice.
Stay cool, poised, and polite around her, no matter how much you want to give her your advice as she might not be open to hear it.
Insecure people are usually not good at taking advice, no matter if you come from a well-meaning and loving/caring place.
If it has to do with the children and you’re concerned about them in some way then you can always share your advice/concerns directly with your son (in private) instead.
Not in a secretive way (that would be disrespectful) but out of respect for your daughter-in-laws boundaries.
You can also try talking with her, express your feelings and make your boundaries clear to her, but don’t get into any arguments.
Just establish some healthy boundaries and allow her to express hers to you as well (without you defending or explaining yourself).
Share with her that you want to keep your relationship positive for the sake of the children. Not fake positive. But workable, so that you can both be relaxed in each others company.
It might feel a bit uncomfortable to do this at first, but once you have done it it will help your relationship and everyone else involved and around you as well (including the children, who are sensing the tension between the two of you right now).
So dare to be open and vulnerable and do what you can to respect both yourself and your daughter-in-law.