Is Spiritual Surrender a Gradual Process or a One-Time Event?
Q: I have been living in two worlds for 2,5 years now. It means half of the time I have felt great peace, happiness and joy and other half been mostly anxious or depressed.
During that time I did only small changes in my everyday life (because I really didn’t know what to do).
Now I’m facing big changes, moving to another country in two weeks and also changing my work field (but I don’t know yet what it will be), and I must say that I feel mostly depressive feelings now.
But I also get hours of deepest peace and joyful moments. So I think it’s my ego that resists the changes.
My question would be:
Did you feel a big difference in your existence the moment when ego surrendered (lets call it the big surrender), or did it happen in a more slow process (gradually, without a specific moment that you could notice)?
I just sort of feel these days that it dies every day but is then born again the next morning…
M: The process of spiritual surrender is highly individual, that’s why no one can tell anybody which steps to take, what to do etc, because no strategies will work.
My “first” surrender so to speak was over a decade ago when I asked God to help me with my drug addiction.
That was the initial moment of spiritual surrender for me, and what happened after that was that I built myself up again (with the help of healing, psychotherapy, alternative medicine etc) and so on, and I went through a process of cleansing my mind basically.
I went full throttle into personal development and empowerment (and became a Life Coach and healer among other things), and parallelly with that I was also deeply into all kinds of spiritual things (I have always been “spiritual”, even when I did drugs) such as prayer, ACIM, Angels, astrology, learning about different philosophies and religions/faiths etc.
While all this was happening, the ego death was happening at the same time, so for me it wasn’t a one time event (the surrender), but there was also a definite moment of surrender that completely altered my consciousness and I was never again the same. That we could refer to as being the “big one”.
(Besides from when I surrendered my drug addiction, that too was a big one, but that didn’t have with it the spiritual awakening experience, although it was life-altering as it changed my life obviously to become clean and free from addiction).
So it’s very difficult to explain because it’s a very deep process, and as I said, very unique for each person.
The processes that follows (when it comes to spiritual awakening, which is a different thing again), are similar (the emptying out of all concepts and beliefs for example; they will all crumble, for all people, no exceptions), but in what speed it happen is very individual.
I wasn’t aware that I was in the process of spiritual awakening for example until after the “big” surrender I had when everything changed.
Only afterwards did I begin to understand what had happened and what had been happening for many years. Things suddenly fell into place and there were many revelations and aha’s.
So you have been flowing back and forth (between ego and Spirit) for a couple of years now, but I don’t know if you have experienced a spiritual awakening because we haven’t spoken with each other.
I think it would be a good idea to maybe schedule a session to be able to talk more deeply about your individual challenges in all this, with the move to another country and the depression and so on.
So to answer your question:
“Did you feel a big difference in your existence the moment when ego surrendered (lets call it the big surrender), or did it happen in a more slow process (gradually, without a specific moment that you could notice)?”.
My answer would be that there has been many moments of surrender in this process for me, and each and every time I felt as if I was really giving my whole life to God (that the surrender was total and complete), all my moments of surrender has been sincere and honest and each and every time was felt as if there couldn’t possibly be more to surrender and let go of, but there always was.
God continued to show me what that was, so the surrender deepened and went on for a long time for me throughout all the stages I went through and each time the ego re-built itself up again in different shapes. (“I am this and I am that”, “I want this, I want that” etc).
All this journey is about is letting go and surrender, take the control back, suffer, surrender, let go, take it back, rebuild life and the ego (the person we imagine ourselves to be), suffer some more, surrender again, stumble and relapse to ego consciousness again (when the ego desperately tries to take charge of the situation and regain control), until the final surrender happens that changes everything. (And still after that, there’s more:).
So it may be that way for a while for you too, no one can know how long you will be experiencing the death of the ego and then finding it being there again greeting you in the morning! 🙂 (Urgh, you again..)
But to have awareness about the process is very helpful and the more light you experience within yourself, the more exposed the ego will be as well (you will learn to see it for what it is and it will lose its power), and you will become more and more aware of its futility and that is also what helps us become free, the awareness of its ways.
But it will fight and resist!
The more resistance, the more painful it is, but through it we go, there’s no turning back from this moment on. (It leads to liberation, so have faith and trust in those moments when life may seem very dark).
I have written tons of articles about this, so have a good look around here on my site and also if there are any specific things you look for, Google it with my name in the search and many articles will come up.
You wrote that you are going through some big changes in your life at the moment and will in a few weeks time enter a new chapter in your life with the new job and all.
At this moment you are shedding the old (letting go of one phase of your life to enter a new), and if the move and job-change is final, then my suggestion would be to embrace the shift that is coming.
(Not that anything is final until it’s actually happening; every moment is an opening to change of direction, even up to the last moment we can change our minds and hearts).
But if you see this coming, if it is going to happen, then why struggle against the inevitable?
I can’t help but wonder why you feel depressed about this, is it something that you don’t really want to do, or is it ‘only’ the the fearful ego you’re experiencing right now?
The ego is usually very uncomfortable with change and new things that requires one to step outside our comfort zone.
But remember, that’s where our real life is, it’s behind that fear (outside our comfort zone), so you could also look at this as an adventure and usually a change of perspective is all it takes.
And if you feel very strongly that you are about to make a move that is not in your best interest, it’s never too late to turn back or change direction altogether.
If this is what you feel, then pray for guidance, ask God to put you back on track again.
A powerful prayer that I have used myself many times is this: “God, put me right, take me to Truth”.
That prayer says it all; that whatever happens, all you want is to live according to the will of God, and if you are somehow off path, God will put you right back. Trust that.
When the big shift in consciousness happened for me, it happened in a moment of surrender, and that was what changed everything for me.
So there had to be – for me – lots and lots of struggle before I finally surrendered, I had a very strong will and I was very stubborn!:)
So I must say “both” to your question.
It was both gradual and sudden, and all happening simultaneously and also separately depending on where I was in my evolutionary development and level of consciousness, but the last one, that was what wiped everything clean and I was born again.
And then after a spiritual awakening (which happened when I surrendered), that was when life really began and with that a whole new process as well – a totally different process, because there was a shift in identity. (But even so, there still was some more ego to undo and relinquish).
Spiritual surrender is not a one time thing and then the ego is gone, it’s a process but within that process there can be (but not always, we all have different journeys and nothing is set in stone and there are no requirements/rules) huge, explosive experiences that alters everything, but one thing to remember is that the surrender is also about surrendering and letting go of the self we have taken ourselves to be our whole life.
So it’s definitely a process, because there is so much to let go of that we don’t consciously even know about before God shows us what that is, and we will only be shown when we are ready for it.
It’s not an easy thing this surrendering-stuff, because it also includes surrendering and letting go of the self we think we are, and life as we have believed it to be.
Spiritual surrender is not a conscious choice, you don’t just decide that you are going to let go of your beliefs (and that includes the belief that we are in control of life) when beliefs are what your life is built upon, that’s the construct of life as most people see it, but that is not our real life at all.
No, this is all Grace and Grace can be fierce – and usually we are pushed into surrender and the surrender can only be sincere and wholehearted, but that’s what happens when we are on our knees isn’t it. It cannot be other than sincere and wholehearted.
Therefor it’s not a simple choice of just ‘letting go’ of control, beliefs and the little self, because even the one that lets go will eventually be surrendered and let go of, and what remains is “I am” and everything that once was attached to that is no longer there.
But of course, the more faith and trust you have, the easier it is, but usually that is not the case as many people have deep fears about the unknown.
I have some of my older articles below that you can read and see if you can relate to any of it, hope you find them helpful in your own process. I have been pretty open and shared some of my rawest emotions and rantings with God throughout my own journey.
Today I’m obviously in a completely different place and have only love for God, and deep gratitude for where all those hellish dark nights of ego death has lead to for me in this marvelous event called Life 🙂
Also have a look below the posts to see other related articles as I can’t remember them all.
And here are some of my newer articles that might be helpful to you:
Here’s another article that just came to mind that could be helpful to you:
~Hope you enjoy the read and find them helpful.
This pic is from my walk yesterday,
spring is here with its rebirth and the trees are sprouting new leaves.
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