Arriving at “I don’t know” can be terrifying for the ego
Life opens up when we realize on a deep, fundamental level that we don’t know anything. When our minds has been cleared of concepts and belief systems and ideas.
In the beginning the ego keeps recreating itself, it wants to be somebody in order to have an identity to hold on to.
“I am _________”.
Insert whatever description or label you want, good or bad; to the ego it doesn’t make that much of a difference as long as it can be somebody.
I am a spiritually evolved person, I am a dentist, I am a mom, I am a very good friend, I am a gang member, I am someone who is unemployed, I am enlightened, I am a pot smoker, I am a CEO, I am a leader, I am a sports fanatic, I am a kind person, I am ugly, I am I am, ..
The recreating of the ego, or rebuilding, can go on for a while as we go through periods or waves of ego death and shedding old skin (remnants of the ego and its constructions of life), but with this process we also each time see this more and more clearly and then one day we arrive at a state of not-knowing anything and it will be okay to not know and to not be anything or have any labels on ourselves.
There will be no more need to rebuild or reconstruct anything again, and while this can be a bit disorienting and confusing at first, after a while it becomes very clear where all the rebuilding that happened in the past came from so it is no longer attractive to us.
That doesn’t mean that the ego will never again recreate itself; that too we can’t know.
Arriving at a genuine place of not knowing really means that on every level and this process can go on for years sometimes to let go and become empty of concepts.
It took me about eight years to let go of the belief in astrology for example.
About eight years ago I first started to feel that it was on the way out but it took that many years until the final realization happened that took away the rest of it.
As with every concept and spiritual idea it’s very individual of course, but for me astrology was something I had been into since childhood so it was very ingrained in my consciousness, while for others it can be some other concept that they have held dear for many years.
And sometimes even a tightly held belief system can also be suddenly ripped away and never to return again. (The concepts of God for me took a couple of years I think, while other concepts one day just were gone and done with).
With everything in the process of awakening there are no fixed rules or requirements. We can never know, and what has been a huge help for me personally is that I have a ruthless approach to anything and that is that if it’s not a direct experience for me I consider it as not true and only speculation and an idea or opinion. (And thus not true).
I have also felt this all the way (since my values and focus changes to Truth) that life seem to like that in me.
Life likes when we are committed to know the truth and that nothing else will do.
I don’t care about beliefs, I want the real thing and I say Bring It On – whatever it may be!
What all this leads to is emptiness (no concepts or beliefs anymore about life or who you are), which for the ego might sound horrible but in that emptiness there’s a complete openness, and openness to Life as it is and as it wants to move through us.
The expressions that comes through are no longer what the ego wants or desires, but what life itself wants.
In this process all ego structures will crumble, precisely all of them, and some concepts takes longer to get crushed and let go of while others just quietly disappears and the process goes smoothly and so on, but they will all fall away eventually, either by fierce grace or the more kind and gentle type of grace.
In this process of having our identity ripped away some may experience a severe spiritual crisis in their life and if there’s no insight into the process to awakening we might turn to some kind of traditional therapy or counseling trying to sort out our lives or we might hire a life coach that can help get us back on track with life.
If the therapist or life coach has not gone through an awakening themselves or if they have no knowledge about the process they might just take you deeper into delusion and illusion. (Sometimes the process of spiritual awakening is also called spiritual madness).
It’s the ego that desperately wants to keep itself afloat and alive and it can even tell you that there’s something wrong with your soul and so on.
Also read: mariaerving.com/soul-is-not-evolving
There is nothing wrong with you or the soul and even if life coaching or traditional counseling may be good on one level of being it is not ideal when it comes to going through the process of awakening.
In actuality nothing with you needs to be fixed or healed.
The true self is already whole and what it waits for is the remembering of the oneness and for you to recognize who you really are and not what the ego wants which is a more polished and developed self that continuously keeps looking for ways to reinforce the identity that most humans still have to it.
It goes through all kinds of self development programs and teachings and so on, jumps from that teacher to this new age guru, buys that other program and goes on endless workshops and retreats.
There’s no need to “create” a better functioning ego, to become someone you’re not, a better version of the false self.
A polished ego is not what the world calls for.
.. because there is no one here that has the same expression as being life as you, whatever that might be, and there is no higher self, only one self; consciousness expressed as You.
When this is realized on a deep level of being there’s no longer a knower of things, no one controlling anything, as everything is one movement, and events and situations are intertwined in infinite ways which the mind can never comprehend fully, and with this movement life moves and molds itself.
This is when intuition and action is one and the same, when the one who used to doubt the inner voice is no longer the one who is in charge.
There is just a going with nature without the resistance from the ego that demands to know everything.
Pics are from my walk yesterday. This is the last weekend I will spend in Norway – next week is the big move to sunshine and warm weather in Spain.
The article I just wrote describes where I’m at in my life at the moment.
For the first time in my entire life I am totally blank regarding what will come. Totally.
I know absolutely nothing and while this can be terrifying for my ego I also have my identity in a different place today so the fear that occasionally comes up is not scary to me, but it can definitely come up at times for short moments.
That life is uncertain and unknown is very clear to me, but to not have anything to hold on to is also a bit nerve-racking at times.
Thoughts like “what will I do, how will I support myself” and so on comes up now and then but I know without a doubt that this is something I have to do, regardless of what happens, and there is no way that I can figure anything out beforehand so the attempts of the ego to do that self-dies and does not take any strong or lasting hold in my stream of thinking.
This move to Spain can go both ways (infinite possibilities means just that; infinite, which includes all possibilities and not only the ones that are more desirable than others), but I trust myself and as Helen Keller also once said:
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing”.
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