Why is the awakening process so painful? Does God hate me?

Painful awakening: Why so much suffering?

Does God hate me?

“I have this deep feeling and it has been telling me for days to stop and write you.

I have recently subscribed to your website after a long time reading and reading for months and you are quite surprising because you talk about Jesus and the scriptures and even about Tithing!

I’m 42 years old, Methodist Christian with bachelor, business man for 20 years, married for 16 years with 2 sons and below are the questions I have been longing for answer for years:

1) Are we God in a game called life?

I have been having quite surprising experiences like:

Noticing very bright eyes during morning Christian teaching on Mondays while teaching.

When talking to a psychologist I say without any control a question: “I am God, is life a game?”

Walking in the street and for a few seconds “open my eyes” and notice God walking in each human near by… I almost faint and fall down in the street!

Having lunch all alone and a voice in my mind says: “I am all you and you are all I!”

A voice talking to me saying Him and I are one!

And then came this question: Am I God? Is life just a game?

2) Why is this so painful? Is God my enemy?

You don’t talk about Demons and Angels. You also don’t talk about the Devil.

What are they?

The suffering seem endless.

For the last 20 years of my life I have suffered and suffered.

The experiences in my question #1 happened last year and this year.

But especially the last 5 years, the suffering have became more and more intense.

And the promises by the spirit of the prophecy and prophets from several churches talking to me about getting better and becoming prosperous and even that my company would go overseas to be a multinational company.

What really happens is that the company is in the deepest financial crises ever and if a miracle doesn’t happen this month we may have to close down after 20 years of existence and 5 years of deep struggle for surviving.

And the situation is like: more and more big promises, and then?

The opposite happens and become worse and worse.

For the last 5 years it has been like this.

The company is 20 years old and the last 5 years has become my worst nightmare.

It is quite natural Maria that I feel weak after falling deeply and I feel pain.

Other times I feel like going to sleep and after sleep I feel a very bad energy goes off me and I feel my body is doing terribly during the day.

Other times this voice said to me he is going to remove some and I can feel that bad energy leaving, it has also happened during a Christian service at the church when I felt the pain energy leaving me.

I feel there is tons of pain, several levels of pain in my life.

The suffering don’t seem to come to an end.

Is that an evil game to hurt me over and over sadistically?

3) What does God really want from me?

Yes, what does he want that I have not given him since he is hurting and hurting me?

4) How to end this endless suffering?

What should I do to finally stop what I can’t, I really can’t stand anymore…

5) “I will teach you how to use my power! I am unlimited!”

This is what the voice spoke to me yesterday!

More! More! More it has spoken to me that he will use the knowledge you have to teach me.

That is more surprising… that you have been through what you have lived to be able to teach others.

Wishful to get help from you to end these so hard days.”

My reply:

Thank you for your questions, although some of them of course I can’t answer, no one can, and some of them are more suited for book material as the topics are so wide and big.

And some questions are better to be asked in self-inquiry as they are answers that must be realized and not learned from another human being.

True, fundamental transformation does not come from information, it comes from realization and clear seeing.

Reading your email it’s very clear to me why you suffer but you might not be able/ready to hear it, or willing to hear it.

It’s about your (religious) God.

“He” doesn’t exist other than in your mind. It’s all fictional.

Kind of in the same way as Santa Claus only exists in the minds of children.

So you are basically praying and pleading to a God that is not real, and because your prayers are not answered, you feel abandoned, abused, rejected and so on.

You even feel that God is being sadistic towards you.

So let me share some of my processes with you that I went through in my own awakening process.

Although I have never been religious, I did have a belief in God, and I have also prayed and pleaded, cried and felt that God was punishing me, hating me, and even being sadistic towards me.

So I know the feelings you’re experiencing.

I also know the way out so if you are open to hear me out you will be able to transcend where you are at the moment and become free.

Your progress depends on how strongly you are willing to see how conditioned you are by religion and how badly you want freedom and liberation.

If the pain is not extremely severe yet you will probably go on suffering for maybe a few more years before you’re ready to choose your freedom.

This is the reality and truth of where you’re at at the moment and why you have been there for a while.

You can make a fundamental life changing shift now.

This is a massive transformational process you’re entering now, and it’s not a coincident that you found me and my website.

I’m doing my very best in being as authentic and real as I can without being too strongly direct and blunt (although sometimes the ego needs a real shake up), because the truth is that I would do you a huge disservice if I didn’t say it as it is.

As with all my writings, I need to be truthful and honest about the spiritual awakening process, otherwise I would not be helpful at all.

And the truth is that it’s not a walk in the park, it’s not easy at all.

The awakening process is not about Love and Light and butterflies and unicorns.

I see the evidence more and more that the things I share and have shared throughout the years are being helpful to people because clients tell me and I receive a lot of emails from people thanking me for not sugarcoating the awakening process and for being true and real about it.

Just today even I received an email where someone wrote:

“Over the last year-and-a-half two years I’ve read a lot of articles on awakening but when I read yours I realize there’s actually other people out there that actually had a real awakening and I would really love just to be able to talk to someone that’s gone through this..”

So for anyone who wants to actually awaken, it’s not gonna be a journey that is comfortable and filled with “love and light”.

It’s a death and rebirth kind of process, almost like a spiritual suicide.

In other words, not very pretty.

With that said;

You will be able to hear what I have to say only of you’re dedicated to know the Truth (that sets you free) or you will close yourself completely to what I have to say if your belief-system has a strong hold on you.

So let’s begin, let’s see what happens.

You asked:

Why is this so painful? Is God my enemy?”

Continue reading in part 2/2:

“Does God want me to suffer? (Awakening Process)”

(The article will be published shortly). 

painful awakening
Whatever painful experience you have right now is there to help you awaken to Truth.


In the meantime..

Here’s some of my articles about when I went through my process that can be helpful to you:

“I’ve Just Broke Up With God”

“Relinquishing Old Beliefs About God (Update re: my post about breaking up with god)”

“I’m an atheist”

“What Atheist Means (I don’t need to be saved)”

“Just Ignore The Word “God” In My Older Articles..”

“There is no personal God”

“Ever Wondered Why God Failed You?”

“Challenge Your Beliefs About God”

“Why I Stopped Tithing”

“Why Do Angels Abandon Us?”

“God Does Not Hold Anything Against You”

And lastly, a personal story that I wrote around the time I lost my home almost 3 years ago:

“Remembering Last Christmas”

This should give you plenty to get you started!

Read the articles, start dissecting your beliefs, and stay tuned for part 2/2 of this article series which will be published shortly.

You can find it here:

“Does God want me to suffer? PART 2/2”




For any readers that are offended because I speak freely about my freedom and who wants to let me know that I will burn in hell and be tormented there for eternity; don’t bother writing me.

I don’t respond to those types of emails and your email will be deleted and forgotten instantly so I urge you to use your time and energy in a more constructive way instead.

Get in alignment with the flow of life


Work closely with me for the next two months: 8 WEEKS FLOW INTENSIVE

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