Our Relationship With God Changes With Awakening

I don’t remember if I brought it up in my audio that I recorded in February (lots of transformation has happened since then, it has been a very intense few months for me when it comes to my own spiritual journey and I don’t even remember half of what I was sharing in that recording), but I wanted to address this as I have just learned that what I went through is a common thing that happens to many people when we awaken.

If you recall me sharing how the angels lead me to God and how then they kind of disappeared from my presence, I couldn’t feel them anymore and it was very weird, but I also had an inner knowing of this being a part of the process even though I didn’t know exactly what it meant. (So it was OK not to feel them anymore)

Only a few months ago prayer was something I did daily and had done for years, I was always communicating with God, always.

There were times of deep gratitude-prayers, there were angry rantings and spiritual fits that I threw occasionally, there were moment of pleading and begging (you may relate to this; “phleeeeeaze God, heeelp me! Aaaargh!” lol), but most of the time the moments of prayer was something I enjoyed very, very much.

It was a part of my daily spiritual practice, moments with God that I truly loved and cherished.

And then suddenly all that fall away as I came to the realization of oneness on a deeper level. Suddenly there was no God to talk to, no one to ask for guidance (angels and spirit guides) and at first it was like being in a spiritual desert, in total emptiness.

There was just nothingness, and I can even remember the sounds being different, empty and hollow, it was very weird.

If I remember it right, I was there for a week or so, and it was a very strange state to be in.

The time prior to what happened with the angels leading me to God and the desert and all that, I went through a blissful state of having such a personal relationship with God that I even thought of going to Bible school!

So unlike me (it was unthinkable, never in a million years would I have thought that would come up on my path through life), but it was all a part of the process, I can see that now.

(At this moment as I’m writing this I can’t remember the exact order that I went through this, when I did what etc, and I don’t feel like looking it up on my notes and writings as it’s not the main point of this particular post).

I mean I was so in love with God, and our relationship was so tight and close and personal I can’t even describe it in words!

There are two things I know for sure about my life that nothing and no one can change (no man, no God, no way!), and that is that I will not have children, I value my freedom and independence and I could not imagine myself being a mom and be around kids every day, that’s not for me, thank you very much.

The other thing is that I could never ever become religious, again; I’m way too fond of my freedom and independence, but the thing is, that when my relationship with God got so intensely personal a short while ago I was actually willing to considering becoming a Christian there for a second!

Mark the word “considering”.

And to me there’s a difference between being Christian and religious, although for me the issue was mainly related to labeling, I don’t like labels nor do I like rules to follow based on a book called the Bible lol:-)

Not that I think I would have gone that far as calling myself something like a Christian, but just to make the point very clear to you regarding how intensely in love I was with God and the relationship I experienced with him.

I remember jokingly saying to God that “alright, if you want me to become a Christian I’ll think about it, but I will NOT have kids, that’s completely out of the question!” haha:-)

I kind of felt that if God could turn me around completely when it came to what I was 100% sure about in my life, then he could easily turn me around on other subjects too.

In retrospect I can see that that was an act of submission to Life itself on my part (God made that happen, not me), to let go of even my strongest held decisions about my life and what I wanted and didn’t want.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against children, I’m a very happy aunt (I have 6 brothers and sisters, and many of them has kids), but it just not something I want for myself – I have never dreamt of having a family of my own, at all.

It’s nice to be able to just participate in the fun part when it comes to kids (playing and goofing around), and then when the whining and crying and diaper-changing stuff begins to just be able to leave the room:-)

But lets get back to the topic;

So I came out of the desert of emptiness (think I talk a bit about it in the audio, don’t remember) and what has progressed since then is that I find myself in a very pleasant place when it comes to God, which I wasn’t even aware of being a ‘concept’ before.

Now I feel free, connected, liberated; there is no need to pray (even though I just prayed for the enjoyment of it most of the times before), or even ask for guidance or direction anymore the way I used to (because the answers are already ‘given’, all we have to do is simply listen), because the times after this particular process when I was between the two worlds so to speak, I just felt as if I’m talking to myself (which I am) and that the relationship with God is one of oneness.

I just had to integrate the wisdom and get to terms with the fact that there was no one to address as “God” anymore,  because God is everything and everywhere.

This was something I obviously knew conceptually before; even in my most intimate moments with God there was always a gap between us that is apparent to me now, but wasn’t back then.

Now I can really see and feel and experience God everywhere. There is no need to use words anymore.

At first it was kind of sad to ‘lose’ God, and there were some grief involved, but what was really happening was that the belief structure I had (or the ego) built around God was crumbling and simply put, it was being demolished altogether and the ego wasn’t comfortable with that, it missed it’s ‘rock’ so to speak, even though the real deal is it’s worst nightmare.

But in the midst of this I was aware of it being a part of a process so it was easier for me to let go.

I think I have grown to become very good at distinguishing between the two voices (ego and spirit) and in being the witness, or awareness, that is observing it all, and that helped me in this particular process as well.

All my life I have been into self development and spirituality (even as a child I read books about psychology, astrology etc when my friends read ordinary children’s books) so it has become natural for me to be very attentive to my emotional and mental inner processes.

I didn’t know it at the time (re: this posts topic), but in retrospect I can clearly see how the veil between ‘God and I’ was destroyed in the process of coming to experience Oneness on a permanent basis when it came to my relationship with ‘God’.

It was a process where existence made itself known to me and now the oneness is there and it will never revert.

There’s no going back, it’s not possible. I can’t imagine myself ever praying and talking with God as I once did and which was  apart of my everyday life and spiritual practice.

Everything is very different now (in a very good way), it’s very difficult to even describe so I won’t even try right now.

I wanted to share this because it’s apparently common to go through a process like this, and if I had known it when I went through it myself I guess it would have been easier to embrace.

I have recently learned that many people get stuck in the space of emptiness when ‘God disappears’ and some are stuck in the sorrow and grief of it for a very long time, not knowing that when they let go of even that – that’s when the ‘real God’ and relationship opens up, which is one of pure unity.

As I always say (and do): Keep moving, keep walking, even if it hurts (for the ego), because truth always reveals itself in the freshness of the moment – but we need to be willing and open to walk in total not-knowingness at times, especially at times when we really feel the need to know!

Those are the times when authentic surrender is asked for, and in that surrender God takes over and shows us his true face, maybe for the first time in our life. 


Real healing and true transformation has to do with the removal of all that stands between us and Truth, it removes what you’re not, and empowers and expands the truth of who you really are.


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  3. Annie

    I was crying and depressed when I came across this article and it clicked. Thank you so much for putting into words what I am going through. I really appreciate it.

  4. You’re so very welcome Annie, glad it was helpful to you.

    It’s not an easy process you’re in, I know. It can be hellish at times. Just keep moving forward and continue questioning all your beliefs and be dedicated to know the Truth.

    Are you struggling with your faith or concept of God at the moment?

  5. PS: This is a very old article and I don’t remember exactly what I wrote (and I don’t feel the pull to read it again), but if you share where you’re at maybe I can point you towards other articles that can be helpful to you as well.

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