What If I’m Going Crazy? (Ask Maria)
“How do you know that what you have experienced throughout your process is truly real? How do you know you are not totally fucked up and crazy and then one day you die and then there is nothing and all seems to have been useless?
I know that I feel most of the time much better now than before all this happened (so I surely do not want to go back), but I was just wondering: how do I know it is not just total bullocks?
What if the ‘normal’ world is indeed just how people supposed to life and the fact that I just really do not want to live like that anymore just means I am slowly going bananas”.
Since you are here on this site asking this question I’m pretty sure you’re not going crazy or insane 🙂
But there are some similarities between a spiritual awakening process and mental disorders and imbalances etc, definitely.
They can look the same, or similar, to people who are not familiar with spiritual processes.
I actually believe that there are many, many people who have been misdiagnosed by their doctors of having a mental illness (or depression) when actually the person is going through a spiritual awakening process.
In various phases most of us will go through a fire that makes us feel like we’re literally loosing it and sometimes that can be scary, and sometimes it throws us into a deep deep abyss of fear, panic and depression.
And sometimes people get all kinds of diagnosis; psychosis, bipolar, chemical imbalances in the brain (Prozac nation!) and sometimes even schizophrenia.
Family and friends begin to think you’re really loosing it when your world begin to crumble because it involves the crumbling of the ‘you’ that you used to be.
So my question back to you is “do you really think you’re going crazy?”
I have a feeling your answer to that is No.
This is something else.
You can feel the difference between being depressed and it being something else (like a spiritual process of some kind) if you have been depressed at some point in your life and the sad fact is that most of us has.
So by going within to check with ourselves we can usually tell ourselves that ‘no, this is not a normal depression/craziness, this is something different’.
The thing is that psychiatrists are not trained to understand what any of this spiritual stuff is about so if you don’t have some kind of awareness about what is going on in reality, you might end up hospitalized or on meds for a very long time, only to prolong the awakening process and even hinder it.
When we’re in the process of awakening, our whole identity structure begins to unravel, the whole sense of who we are starts to break down and of course there’s confusion in this, there’s fear, depression and so on.
Your life is being rewired to its original ‘state’ (which is the stateless state) and to someone who’s not aware (and those around a person who witness this happening), if you/they don’t know what the hell is going on its easy to assume that the person is going crazy or insane.
That’s how this world is created (and sustained);
We believe those things more than we believe in our own inner knowing, the intuitive sense that ‘this is not a mental illness, this is something else, something significant and important’, so we just take the pills we are given and .. well, look at the world today. Enough said.
There’s confusion, doubt, insecurity; “What if they are right and I am wrong? What if all this spiritual stuff is just nonsense, bullocks, pure BS?”
“What if I’m imagining all this?”
Okay, so let’s say you are.
This is all your imagination. There’s no such thing as awakening, you’re making it all up.
What will you do about it then?
What would you do with the information?
“Okay, so I’m really loosing it”.
Would you not continue on this path regardless..? Or where would you rather go, in what direction?
Doubt dies immediately when you allow yourself to be/go insane 🙂
Because correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the doubt of this process vanish in the acceptance of the fear that is being projected towards you from your own ego?
Facing your doubts and challenging and confronting your ego disarms it immediately because fear and doubt are its tools; the ego’s job is to keep you as a domesticated and repressed little self but confronting it helps you break free out of its prison.
“Okay, so I’m going insane – woo hoo! Let’s go even more crazy, shall we? Yeah, let’s see how that is! I’m crahyzeah! Ooh, yeah!” 😀
Now feel how the doubt melts away.
Wouldn’t you rather be ‘crazy’ than in the bondage of the ego?
Most people perceive the world according to a manufactured and conditioned ego-self and that ego-self can’t comprehend or understand enlightenment , so on one hand it wants it but then when things starts to happen and where you feel like you’re loosing your mind, then it doesn’t want it anymore.
When the false begin to fall away, or being removed with force and Truth cuts away the unreal with its fiery machete, that’s when resistance kicks in and with it comes all kinds of explanations and reasoning of ‘this’ being wrong.
But this is also when the realization sometimes hits us that this is beyond mind, beyond the known, beyond the imaginations of bliss and eternal cosmic oneness; we realize that ‘this’ is the real and not wrong at all.
The Unraveling Begins
Going into this process and not avoiding it allows us to finally see beyond our conditioned self, how it’s created and how it operates in our lives and in the consciousness of the world at large.
Truth has us now and won’t let go (thank God for that!).
This is something completely beyond mind, the ego can never ‘get it’ because it’s unknowable, it’s the unknown, the ungraspable; the ego mind can never know any of this.
What happens is that we come to see Reality from the viewpoint of who we really are.
We are no longer blind, we see through beliefs, concepts, culture, society, religion/spiritual ideas, all of it.
You are returning back to yourself; Truth.
And the process can be crazy, exhilarating, wonderful, pit-dark and painful.
This can be weird for people around you (when they see you change and also suffer) and if you’re not aware of what’s happening in your life you might try to get back to “normal” with help of meds etc, thinking you’re going crazy, when in fact you’re going sane, not insane.
If you’re not aware you will conform to what other people think, what doctors and concerned family members think, and if you do then you just postpone (or hinder) your awakening process from really taking off and you’re likely to be dulled down and thus not open to ask anymore deep questions about life and existence.
Because all your time and energy now will go to trying to become “normal” again.
You will cease to discover new things about yourself and your curiosity will die in regards to ‘this’.
You succumb to the status quo of what others say ‘this’ is so you stop growing (for the moment).
But if you on the other hand go ahead with ‘this’, if you trust it, if you follow its promptings and your inner inclinations, you’re bound to wake up from the dream sooner or later.
You start to remember who you are, and with that remembrance your world begins to be perceived as coming together, not falling apart, and even if you’re the only one seeing it you will follow through and keep going, even through moments of darkness and feelings of insanity.
Because you will know deep within yourself that this is not wrong, this is right, and even if it sometimes hurts and is painful you don’t want to dull it down or hinder its way through you and your life.
Most people around us can’t relate to this, they can’t understand this, so they say you’re loosing it, that you’re weird and difficult.
And sometimes we might even think that they are right.
Sometimes we feel we’re loosing it, or that we’re weird because we can’t relate to the world in the same way anymore, we feel strange and maybe even that we’re slowly going crazy.
But we’re alright, there’s nothing wrong with us, and again; if we just said out loud;
“Maybe I am going crazy, maybe this is all a farce, or a sick mind-game. Maybe I’m imagining it all, maybe I’m the crazy one after all”.
What would happen ? Would anything change?
I believe not.
I believe you would still prefer to risk going bananas before going back to the world as you once knew it.
Am I right? 🙂
So keep going, be the crazy one and see what happens, see where it takes you!
PS: Look this song up on YouTube and turn the volume up and sing along! Go here.
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” — Mark Twain
Keep ’em coming, I LOVE hearing from you!: Ask Maria