I did not choose this – It chose me (Spiritual Awakening Process)

Spiritual awakening is not something we can make happen,

or even have any control over whatsoever. It’s a process lead by pure grace.


Q: Maria, The story about your Spiritual Awakening is empowering to say the least. They say trying negates (you tried intensely for 15 years) itself…there should be no struggle etc.

M: No, I did not try intensely. I wasn’t even interested in spiritual awakening or enlightenment, I was interested in getting what I want, manifesting the life of my dreams and all that, success and becoming rich and wealthy etc,  and I believed in it all 100%, I even wrote books about it. (About the Law of Attraction and Mind Power).

That was what I was intensely interested in (as well as other spiritual development things and new age etc) – in believing that I was the creator and controller of my life, and I did that with great passion. I never had any doubts about worthiness or anything, I knew that I was worthy of the best of the best, so I went for it full throttle.

In the meantime, the process of spiritual awakening was something I went through as well, and the process of ego death; they were all intertwined, and only in retrospect do I see how perfectly everything was orchestrated and that every bit of it was necessary.

But to ‘awaken’, if I tried that, no. I didn’t choose it, It chose me.

Not in a “I’m a special, chosen person”-way, but as in “this is totally not what I have wanted or even imagined could even happen”, and there has been times in my most difficult processes that I have cursed that it happened to me, that I didn’t even want it and now I was doomed to this.

But of course, those spiritual temper tantrums and fits only happened when the ego crunching got so severe that I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. I have felt pure rage for having this effin’ awakening happen to me, as well as deep despair and meaninglessness and hopelessness at times in the past. I did not choose this at all.

But now I’m grateful of it of course, and I would gladly go through it all again if needed!

The beautiful and wonderful experiences I have had has also been something that has just happened, not my manufacturing at all, it’s not something we can make happen, it simply happens.

And insights, wisdom, inspiration, .. things like that can’t be created by the mind.

I have had spiritual experiences all my life and I have always known that I’m not the controller of them (they have always just happened, out of the blue), so for me to even think that I could create them was not even there, I knew I couldn’t so the interest to “try to” do any of the experiences was never a desire, it was just something that happened by itself and there was always a part of me that was very relaxed about it and – I don’t know what word to use – mature maybe, about it. A deep soul-knowing.

Meaning that I wasn’t prone to make a big deal about it, I rarely shared them with others etc.

In a way they felt “normal”, although obviously there weren’t, looking at it from a human perspective only.

The stories I have shared here on my website is just a tiny bit of everything that has been going on. Some of it has been too personal to share, too raw if you will, and too difficult to even describe with words. I have tried to convey in words at times but then decided not to publish the articles because words have not been enough to describe the beauty of it, even when grace has been fierce.

Truth can’t be described in words, and it can’t be taught. (Only pointed to).

And it’s a transformational process that is still going on and probably will for all my life, I can’t know. I think I will always be deepening the awakening, I don’t see myself ever come to the point of saying that I’m done, or that I have arrived or something. But of course, I can’t possibly know.

I do remember however thinking as a child that this is my last life, and I’m starting to understand what I meant by that now. I did not know, or maybe the child-me did, but now, as a soon to be 40-year old woman, now I’m beginning to see what that means, but it’s still totally and completely out of my control, and I have no interest in controlling any of it either.

I’m definitely here and now, I have no interest in knowing or controlling what the next moment will bring (I have no self-made plans or goals for the future, I only respond from my heart to this moment and I say yes to that which feels right intuitively), I’m interested in this moment only, and any plans I make is purely for practical reasons, not to get something or attain something. There’s nothing to achieve.

Q: I wonder for most people if so much effort and pain has to be expended before we (ego?) would be conditioned enough to give up and let go?

M: The ego needs to be relinquished; it IS the conditioned self, it doesn’t need to be trained into anything, just seen for what it is and it will vanish.

The pain and suffering comes from us mistaking ourselves to be a person that is separated from the world, that we are the sufferer.

A little “me” and my wants, my wishes, my this, my that.

We are not that person, and that’s what the process of spiritual awakening leads us to realize.

It’s very difficult for people to surrender the person they think they are, and it will not be done by will-power but by true surrender.

It’s not a choice per se to say “I let go of the little self”, because who is it that say that? The little self says that, the ego tries to get rid of itself!

Spiritual surrender is something that happens when we have had enough of the struggle.

True surrender means letting go of everything, and that includes the false self, but that is oftentimes the last thing that goes, and the most difficult part of the letting go.

At first the letting go is an immature letting go; there’s the belief that if I let go of my wishes and desires, if I give them over to God so to speak, then God will make them come true.

That’s not letting go at all, but that is usually where it all starts.

After a life altering experience of spiritual awakening the ego will still be there, in the background, but the identification to it is no longer there.

There’s a process after spiritual awakening as well and there’s still ego remnants left in me too, more deepening and integration to be done in me that I have no control over whatsoever.

That’s where true freedom lies, in throwing yourself into the fire with all you have and let yourself be transformed by Life itself, to let yourself be totally swallowed up by Truth. That’s freedom. Knowing that you can’t possibly have a clue about anything, that you’re not the one who leads at all.

Q: Have you ever been directed to heal someone by “bringing them to the point of letting go”?

M: I have a background in healing-work, but in the process of spiritual awakening all those interest fell away, they are not relevant to me at all anymore. There is not a someone to heal, there’s nothing wrong with the true self, the real you is already whole and perfect.

Humans grow up thinking they are not enough, that they need to become someone, that that need to get somewhere or get something  before they can feel complete and whole, all the while their true self is right here, already complete.

Behind and before the veils of the false self, the ego, the imagined person humans have been conditioned into believing they are, beyond all thoughts, beliefs and concepts; that’s where our true nature is.

Truth cannot be found in the mind. Everything we have learned must go, everything we think we are, we’re not. What we are can’t be uttered in words. It has to be discovered and realized directly by each and everyone for themselves.

The body may need healing at some point in life, but the person; no. I mean, the body can get sick, obviously, and should be taken care of if that happens.

The mind may need healing (as in psychotherapy etc), but we are not the mind and I don’t have my identity there.

As long as a person think they are the person, then healing of the mind might be relevant, but to know Truth, you don’t need to heal the person, actually the person with all it’s issues and so called problems needs to be let go of.

And with spiritual awakening  that will happen, but oftentimes it involves great suffering because the ego will fight the process of transformation – it knows it means the death of it, that the identification will change and that you no longer will have your being in it.

And all those other things I used to do; affirmations, training the mind and so on (I’m an educated NLP Life Coach as well) is totally irrelevant to me today, those concepts doesn’t interest me the least. Personal development is no longer relevant, because the person doesn’t need to be developed at all – there is no person!

The concepts I believed in with all my heart were all a part of my path, and so there’s nothing wrong with any of it. It’s not part of everyone’s path, some people experience spiritual awakenings even if they have never ever even been the least interested in any of the spiritual or personal growth stuff, some have not even known it existed.

So everyone’s path is different and there are no steps to take that are universal and fits all.

Everything I have learned and been passionate about in the past when it comes to personal development etc was a part of the whole and exactly what I needed at that time in my life. So it is in everyone’s life.

There’s a saying that I like that says that you need a thorn to remove a thorn and then you throw them both away.

Concepts are not Truth, but sometimes you need one concept to get rid of another, and then you see the futility and pointlessness in both of them so you let them both go.

And no one can’t possibly ‘make’ someone else to let go and surrender. That is not possible, it’s something that happens naturally, oftentimes (but not always) it comes from severe defeat and intense suffering (from having tried all kinds of things until surrender is the only option left) and you’re literally on your knees crying and begging God to take over because you can’t take it anymore. That’s when grace can take over.

Actually, it was grace that got you to surrender to begin with, you just didn’t know it.

Q: The struggle with ego (for me) is like wrestling with smoke, it’s everywhere and I can’t quite pin it down. Its a shape-shifter.

M: Yes, it is. And it loves when you give it that much attention. The importance you give it keeps it alive.

You don’t have to change it (as in training the mind, or using affirmations to polish it and make it feel better) or get rid of it.

Only see it for what it is. It’s by seeing that which is false that that which is real can be revealed. That you can do by self inquiry.

You simply ask questions to see who this entity you call the ego is in reality, and see what you find, or don’t find.

You need only to investigate and discover for yourself what the ego is, this is not something someone can do for you, it’s not a knowledge that can be passed on to others (it has to be directly experienced, not learned) there’s no three-step-programs for this.

No techniques necessary, only to deeply and sincerely investigate into who this ego-character really is. When you see that clearly, then that which is true and real remains.

Truth is to be discovered when being still and listening to the wisdom of the heart, not the knowledge of the mind.

Q: There are holes in the swirling smoke through which I get a glimpse of clarity. I can imagine you being able to knock the shit right out of me – with Gods nod of course. 🙂

M: You are God, that’s what needs to be realized. Call it the Christ-consciousness, Buddha-nature or whatever you want to call it; you are that. But this is not to be known purely conceptually, it has to be directly experienced. Stillness and self inquiry will get you there.

Q: I could see forcing it out with a drug induced state, but being blow away from self forcibly would seem to be like turning someone inside out or at least damaged to left unwhole. I would think that healing would be god-directed and perfect. Anyway, I liked your article if you couldn’t tell.

M: No force necessary, no strain, no struggle, only clear seeing. And being totally honest and true to yourself.


Talking with someone that can relate to the processes is also helpful, and I’m here for anyone that is on the path and wishes to have someone to share with and talk with about these things as I know it can be a very difficult process at times to go through alone.

More information can be found on my Sessions-page. 



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  1. Jeff Lane

    I was very pleased and appreciative to see your answers to the questions posed on Linkedin, Maria, and to know that you exist. I have been trying to say all that for many years to people very close to me, people who couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about…and, I can’t say that I was wrong to try, even though as you say, one cannot convey any of the essence of this to another person. They must walk that walk themselves. Perhaps the effort was simply my path, although I can’t really say that my own Understanding benefitted from it.
    The disappearance of my ego came with a good bit of suffering on my part, when my wife and son left me alone in a foreign country on an old boat I/we had for years been building into a cruising sailboat, as I thought, to cruise the world as a family. It took about a month to learn about ego, and for it to disappear. In the years since, it has raised its head from time to time, especially at times of great irritation…but at least I am aware of that. For a long time afterward I realized that anger is insanity, and I was extremely sensitive to the output of EVERYTHING around me for years after it happened, and especially to the effect of my own output on others. I call it “Seeing the other side of the coin”. It has to do with becoming aware of the absolute validity of the “Golden Rule”, in spades, so to speak. Tends to rearrange one, rather. Like you, I paid a lot for that understanding. And, like you, I am very, very thankful that it happened, whatever the cost. Now, I am not as “Clean” inside as I once was…far from it. Life has been difficult, and I have never until now talked with anyone who could possibly understand that ego is in our way on the path of Understanding. Thank you for making yourself visible, Maria. I really appreciate that you do that.
    Jeff Lane

  2. It’s an exquisitely beautiful experience when the realization/spiritual awakening experience happens, and the process that follows any kind of realizations is also beautiful but also fierce in the way that it it will not leave anything undone.

    All that is learned will have to go, and that includes the thought-created self.

    Many people think spiritual awakening is about pure bliss and ecstasy, divine love for all and heavenly beauty and all that.

    And yes, it is all that, and much more.

    It’s all inclusive; that means it also includes the less desired experiences that the ego shuns and avoids at all cost.

    The ego is interested in feeling good or better, it doesn’t like to embark on the deeper realms of life and existence, and its image of spiritual awakening or enlightenment is eternal bliss etc – completely oblivious of the fact that it also includes the death of the ego itself!

    And when it figures that out, it’s too late 😀

    Life to me today is unspeakably beautiful, I can’t even describe it in words.

    And yet there’s still some falling back/ego burning going on too in my life from time to time, I’m not a so called “realized being”. This is natural and happens to all: https://mariaerving.com/back-to-ego-consciousness-spiritual-awakening/

    The difference for me today is that there’s awareness and space around it; it’s allowed to happen, and I know what it’s about.

    The process of the grinding of the ego has not been comfortable at all, that has been pure hell, but once Truth has a hold on you, it will not let you go.

    And the beauty of that can only be seen afterwards, but it’s still beautiful, however much one suffered.

    You see that it had to be that way, that it had to happen exactly the way it did.

    Life/consciousness will live through you, and you will surrender to it.

    That’s the beauty of grace. It’s its promise 🙂

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  10. peter

    This is what freedom really feels like, i did not choose this awakening, but like you it chose me. Didnt even know what spiritual awakening was until i woke up. My process lasted for 13 years, depression, strife, anger, pain yet still willing to give and love unconditionally. I dont know if i should be glad that it happened, but just glad that its over. I do not want to experience that excruciating pain ever again. I am just too used to giving and loving that it feels strange for someone to love me back :/

  11. Thank you for sharing Peter, although I can tell that you’re not ‘done’ yet, it’s still not over for you.

    Always when I receive these types of comments or emails I’m reluctant to reply (because 99% of the time I’m talking to an ‘enlightened’ ego), but then again, I would do you a disservice of not telling you this as you could be one of those rare people that are open to have the conversation going deeper.

    If you were ‘done’ or if the process was over for you, you wouldn’t have those types of thoughts or perspective, it just wouldn’t be there anymore.

    It would be completely irrelevant to even think about if you’re glad it’s over or not etc because the person who went through the process is not the same person that is here today (as an ‘awakened’).

    And to be willing to give and love unconditionally has really nothing to do with awakening at all.

    And you’re mentioning that it feels strange that someone loves you back..?

    I don’t understand what you mean, feel free to elaborate.

    But this (love) really has nothing to do with awakening, it’s not about love.

  12. Larod

    My Awakening

    Hello Maria, It is uncommon for me to find someone who’s experienced Awakening…it’s indeed a task, but all of Humanity will get there. It is easier finding Spiritual People, but Awakening is something all together Different! My Awakening came in the mist of a Tragedy. I was deep into Spiritual Knowledge beforehand, but being Spiritually Enlightened, was not enough, as it did not lead to Awakening before my Tragedy. You can be Void of Spiritual Knowledge, and still be brought to Awakening, from a Direct Experience, as it truly vital, and strikes without any Alerts. It is true, you can’t find Awakening around the corner, or go get it; meaning the best Preparation, is Unpreparedness, as it will find you when it’s ready. At the moment of the Event, I realized, that there was something else housed within me(the Ego), as the Fear, and uncertainty flared and broke me down to an extreme point…I could not believe that this Thing was running the show my entire Life; Making decisions I thought were truly mine, engaging in Actions I thought were truly done by me, but the whole time it was the Ego. The Ego, is what generates Fear, Anger, Jealousy, Gluttony etc, and all other things un-clean. I also realized at that moment, the the Fear that flared was of the Ego, things came to me so fast, that eventually I started keeping notes on the flood of information that came through Awakening internally. I also realized that Awakening will, and can come at all cost, and is not involved with Good or Bad so to speak, but is rooted in what is Correct, and incorrect, as it puts forth what is necessary by all means. I also realized that the True Conscious, and Subconscious (Ego) is in somewhat in the same space, intertwined, accessing the Body, and all it’s components, nearly in sync, “appearing” as one Entity. This is why Awakening is so important, as to see the illusions that the Ego has driven us into. The Ego itself is not an illusion, it is a real Consciousness, with its own Emotions, that we believe our ours, so it is a must that we dissolved the this Imposter, before for the Physical Body reaches Ascension, and vibrates higher. This has been my Greatest Experience ever, and it was, and still is ineffable. I do have much more to say, but it would take too long on one post… When I read your Article, the language of it spoke to me, and I just wanted to reach out, and say a little, on the Matter. This Life’s purpose, is for us all to Experience Awakening, as we all are the same, and we all will Awaken at some point either now, or in later Lifetimes…

  13. Eric

    Thank You! I was laying in the bed 6 months ago minding my business and then something happened 😱😁. Next thing I know is that I’m leaving the career that I had for 30 years, stop eating meat( knowing that I can still eat or drink anything) ,understanding the Arts, and just loving every damn body to the point where sometimes I can look at a people and my heart aches for them. I had no clue about spiritual awakening. Now Im on this journey .
    I never looked at this at a burden. I’ve accepted it for what it is , and I plan on nourishing it and hopefully can just be a part of this Beautiful Masterpiece of Life.

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