Spiritual Crisis is a part of the Awakening Process

There is a reason that the darker side of spiritual awakening is called spiritual crisis, spiritual madness and spiritual emergency; it’s because that’s how it’s experienced.

It’s madness to the point we think we’re loosing our minds (which we in essence are, spiritually speaking), the criseses we go through are plain hellish, and there’s an acute emotional and mental emergency that’s nothing like the average kind of depression.

Not that I’m saying the average depression is any less difficult, but it’s different.

It’s on a different level of being. It’s a part of the death of the ego.

This can be a very difficult time in the regard that trying to explain what’s going on to someone (family members or close friends etc) who hasn’t’ had a glimpse of True Reality (having had a spiritual awakening experience) is totally fruitless, because they are coming from a different perspective.

Asking for help can be very hard too, because if the person (counselor for example) hasn’t developed spiritually on a deeper level themselves, they have no clue of what you’re talking about, and quite frankly, I think many people are on anti-depressives and stuck in nuthouses without being sick or ill in the ‘traditional, or average way’.

That’s how severe the process of spiritual awakening can be experienced.

Try to explain the smell of a rose to someone who has never seen or smelled one.

The spiritual path is full of wonderfulness and beauty, just like the rose, but the path also has lots of thorns that we need to plow through to get to the aroma so to speak, and the only guide we have is the scent of the metaphorical rose that is our own inner voice that tells us step by step ‘this way, don’t go there, look that way, talk to that person, don’t go in that direction’ and so on, but never tells us ‘why’, so we just follow it and by that we develop a trust in Life that is bigger than anything else.

I think that’s the true walk of Faith.

To try to explain how truth is experienced to someone who’s coming from the perception of the ego state (mass consciousness) is just not possible; how to explain to someone who doesn’t know that the person they think they are, they’re not?

Talking about a ‘little self’ and ‘true self’ has no meaning to them, on the contrary it can be very provocative to even mention something like that. People at large like to think that they know who they are, all else is perceived as weakness, and we should all have it all together at all times.

In reality, we don’t have a clue about having anything together, and that’s where our freedom lies.

It doesn’t matter if we try to explain that it’s not the average kind of depression we’re going through, because that’s probably the only kind of depression they know exist so they can’t relate.

The emptiness and darkness is different, and the reason I can say this is because I have experienced them myself from both perspectives. (Both from the ego state of mind, and through my spiritual awakening process)

At times we cry out in agony regretting that we ever even chose this path, but we can’t go back, and understand me right; we don’t want go back, but can’t move forward either, and that can be a very difficult place to be in.

With the process the insights naturally grows and we realize that the ultimate solution to all our struggle is an authentic surrendering to God/Life/Source, but not because we want to become free, but because we have run out of options and there is nothing more left to do but to surrender.

At this point you have probably done all you can, many times over, in order to change your life for the better and when that realization comes, that’s when True Surrender occurs.

That means the (little) self has to go, life as you knew it has to go, the beliefs you held about your own purpose here on earth will probably have to go too.

We may begin to feel drawn in other directions than before, our world opens up and we start to explore the other, deeper callings of the heart, and now that we’re not concerned about ‘the world’ so to speak anymore (in the process of awakening we can also loose interest in everything that once was interesting to us), so there’s a new-found freedom in that.

For myself, personally, I feel very much drawn to be a more creative expression of myself through music and song-writing; I would love to write for a magazine, be a columnist or something, or work with something that has to do with the theater or a musical – who knows where this is going, I may even become a rock-star for all I know! 😀

I love many things, and obviously writing and teaching/sharing my own experiences with my own spiritual journey is one of them, but I also feel drawn to explore how I can be a more creative expression of who I am in a more ‘artsy’ way.

For some reason, I will remember the end of May 2012 to be a pivotal time for me in my life, it feels like a new era is dawning, and I feel that I have gone through the worst of hells to come to this point of surrender to Life, and something amazing is brewing.


I think that suffering is a huge part of awakening (but not necessary), and not too many people speak about the dark side of spiritual development.

The reason I think, is that the ego always wants to look good, be successful and happy in front of the eyes of others, but I think many people that are going through their dark night of the soul is also crying in agony when no one sees them while keeping up a nice-looking front.

I want to be a part of shedding light into this as many people all over the world is waking up to their true nature which includes the process of letting go of the old, and that part can be extremely difficult on a deep existential level.

A part of us is literally dying; the false self!

And I’m also aware of the fact that it doesn’t sell as much (marketing/business-wise) as the light and rosy side does that promises us a way to ‘always be happy’, ‘get what we want’, ‘manifest our dream life’, and so on.

A huge part of spiritual development is about the death of the ego, and that requires us to take a very sincere and close look at our own darkness before we can ever even think of transcending it, and we’re not going to be able to do that by avoiding it, or running after a carrot that promises us that we will be happy forever if we just buy this program, or visualize this way and not that way; they are all about avoiding and not looking at what’s really going on.

As much as I have suffered to be blunt and totally open without sounding like a victim (I don’t see myself as such), I would not trade my path for the shallow kind of happiness for anything, but at the same time I have definitely desperately gone through times when I have been pleading to God to just send me back to how I knew life to be before awakening because the process of ego death has been almost unbearable to go through.

Spiritual crisis also includes the equivalent of pure hell, meaning the inner peace, tremendous joy, clear intuitive guidance and insights, and other very positively experienced aspects are there as well, and when we have had a taste or glimpse of true reality, we can’t go back ever again to how it was before we experienced that, even if there are times when we wished we could.

It would be like trying to become a toddler again, we can’t do that either, we can’t become less than we have become.

And when having one foot (spiritually speaking) in the new (real life) and one foot still in the old, and not be able to move neither back of forward, can be very frustrating  until we finally one day will come to realize that the only option we have left is to truly and completely surrender to Life/God, and that’s when a move will happen.

It may not happen at once, sometimes having enormous patience is what needs to be cultivated, and it can’t have an agenda. We can’t be patient with the intent of some day ‘getting what we want’…

We can’t manipulate or fool life. We must come from a true place in our hearts.

Throwing up our hands in the air and saying “OK, I’ll surrender” is not the kind of surrender I’m talking about here.

It’s sometimes a long and tedious process because naturally the mind will continue re-building itself up, the image and labels are being torn down only to be set up again – more polished than ever, but then finally one day comes when we relinquish it all. None of it has any meaning, and freedom makes itself known – to our big surprise.

It wasn’t about creating or manifesting at all, it was all about letting go – the whole time – that was what Life has waited for us to do all the time. To simply and utterly surrender to it.

A new era begins now in my own life that is different from other times, I can feel it with every bit of my being, and now more than ever before am I totally clueless of what’s to come, and now more than ever before am I also completely OK with not knowing, in fact, I’m curious to see how life will play itself out in this body-experience called Maria Erving.

Wherever it may lead, I’m open to it all.

It’s not so much about being more willing as it is about the surrendering being deeper than before. The old self or ways of looking at life don’t have as much significance anymore as I know it’s not real.

For some reason still unbeknown to me, you (the world) will remember my name.

I’m going places, but where I don’t know.

All I know are my own experiences and the inner knowing

that I’m here for a reason larger than myself.

 Our real life is outside of the box that we have created

with our thoughts, beliefs and opinions.

Let them all go and your true life and purpose will reveal itself to you..!


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  1. Chad

    It truly is a near impossible thing to explain. The only thing that I have been able to express to friends and relatives is that I’m not “normal”. Therefor, I’m wrong in on how I experience life in their eyes. It must be because I do not (try to) follow the state in which the mass of population exists.

    I easily get stepped on in life because for some reason it sees the need. To follow that, I don’t see this as a woes-me situation but just another: “Okay, what did I do now to set myself up for this when there could have been so many other outcomes?” This is what depresses me. The constant analyzing of everything and the need to attach every problem to a cause and solution. Then I have learned yet another lesson that over all will be forgotten but a small piece will remain inside me. To like you said, this “depression” we suffer is just trying to make sense of it all while using the logic of old world thinking. Surrendering to the emotions of life and accepting that there is a balance to this as soon as you let go is the challenge.

    I’m not ready to let everything go that holds me to the old forms of thinking. Everything that wants me to be a social being needs to relate to others because the people I intend to socialize with do not understand. Then I start getting back into egocentric thinking: “What makes this better than that; who do I view below me and above me; what do I want?” Just a few questions that rule a lot of my life and puts me into autopilot mode.

    So I can only view society as the problem and I get resentful about it. I do not want any of this around me and I half-jokingly wish a zombie apocalypse would come. I think that’s a cop-out though. I know there is a solution to perpetuate my true inner feelings. Where people could feed off of the positive energies of life and not those false positives that our ego purports. I just don’t see it as a likely outcome. What do you do when you have billions of individual fingers of perception all feeding off dogmatic thoughts and you have the view of god in your eyes? Especially when you know in all likely-hood you are wrong about the details and know it’s not about the details but the rest of the world is all about them. Thank science and math for destroying the mystery of life and not giving a solution!

    I’m a controlling and free flowing individual by nature. If you believe in astrology, I’m an Aries sun and a Pisces moon. This makes me largely conflicting. If you believe in the Briggs Myers personality test I’m an INTJ, one of the most rare personalities out there. My type forms about 1% of the population (which is larger than I thought). I can’t cope with a fake reality and would sooner live as a hermit but I’m still social and I love individuals for their unique qualities. I just get stepped on all the time.

    I’d also like to get over my attachments to almost everything. I have a hard time even caring about the things I care about. Like you said. Though society is what I cared about and if I disregard almost all the details of labels and even peoples names I have just become disassociating of everything and with that I cannot relate easily. Life is in the details but the details are not life. An easy concept to understand but not to adopt.

    How do we convert the masses? The only thing I’ve been able to muster is that life will always give you what you need even though you may not see it as a need. Focus on something and life will give you a relating experience. Just pay attention to the symmetries in life. That’s how I awoke as my proof that there’s more than science. I’d also say that I can read minds but in “reality” it is just a huge level of perception and the realization that all humans think alike. The only thing I’d question is if there are additional forms of perception available to us built within our minds that we do not yet understand?

    So I’ll continue to philosophize on life but never have a true answer. Just guidance from others such as yourself and an acceptance that you are just another person like me living your own perceptive reality. Neither above nor below and equally screwed up. Just ideas formed within our heads that make sense.

    Keep your thoughts flowing. I know laying them down in writing will help you stabilize and solidify them. I know it helps for me! Just do everything for yourself first and hope your inspiration vicariously helps others. We are all equals on this earth and the words we speak and write should be for our own person because that’s when they have the greatest meaning to others.

    Consciousness, soul, spirit and body. What a hard existence!

  2. Hi Chad,

    Thanks for commenting and sharing your own personal experiences.

    It sounds like you are too concerned about what other people think of you, and that you’re putting yourself down a lot. (Trying to fit in).

    I think you got me totally wrong, because I don’t share your views/perceptions; I don’t see myself as a victim or ‘having the wrong view’ at all (it’s different perhaps, but no one is “wrong”, and I don’t concern myself with other peoples opinions), and I certainly don’t see myself as ‘screwed up’.

    I have no idea where you got that idea from but I assume you’re new to my blog and are not fully aware of who I am (=you don’t know me) and what I’m about.

    I actually love myself more than I love any other being on this earth, and all my past suffering has been a blessing to me, I don’t condemn anything, on the contrary; I love this journey (both the good, bad and the ugly), and would not trade it for anything.

    Life is both destructive and creative, and nothing is wrong with neither.

    The only thing that gets demolished are our false selves (and that which we are better off or ‘done with’) and belief structures and that’s a very very fortunate thing, although not always an easy path, but in my mind the most beautiful one there can be.

    What comes out of it is the realization of our True Nature, and what can be more wonderful than that?

    What I would advice you to do is meditation if you’re not doing that, it will help you get out of your mind and find inner peace and clarity regarding what your own standards and values are in life and to live by them fearlessly.

    People step on you because you allow them to, simple as that.

    When you know to value yourself you will not experience that any longer, but you need to take a sincere look at where you are keeping yourself victimized and then investigate deeply into where and how those structures of thoughts were built up and you will see they are all false.

    Thoughts and beliefs of the mind are false, everything that changes are not true so you will come to realize that holding on to them is meaningless.

    The True Self is already everything you’re looking for. (It’s unchangeable because it’s whole in every way).

    Look within and you will find it. (And prepare yourself for a bumpy road – but all ultimately worth it!)

    To surrender to not-knowingness allows true wisdom to be known.

    Here’s a post that you might find helpful: http://mariaerving.com/stop-dwelling-and-move-on/

    All the best,


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  6. Stacey Wagner

    Again, another one…. Thank you for feeding my soul with exactly what I need right now to continue on this journey of death of ego…

  7. You’re very welcome Stacey, I’m glad you find my writings resonating with your heart when it comes to where you’re at right now in your process.

    If you have any questions at all, please let me know.

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