Spiritual Growing Pain

So, you have chosen the spiritual path. You feel empowered, free, awesomely happy and delighted to be alive and you evolve, you grow, you become more, and BOOM!

Suddenly one day you fall, you fall deep down in darkness and despair, and you wonder “what’s just happened”?

Thinking that isn’t the way of God suppose to be a joyful one?

And it is, but it’s like the saying about the diamond; that “a diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure”.

You are going though a period of spiritual purification, and while it feels like your world is falling apart and nothing makes any sense anymore. I mean NOTHING makes any sense anymore.

You even question if there is any God after all, and you curse in intensive anger towards this God who was suppose to bring you peace. Well, where it is then??

You feel very, very sad, have feelings of hopelessness and feel deeply disconnected from all the wonderfulness you experienced only a moment ago.

This is what’s going on;

While you are going through a transformation, your ego is dying. It is really dying, and who wouldn’t protest if we were in danger of dying?

While spirit is emerging and taking you to a higher level of consciousness the ego is being left behind, and it become scared of loosing its home; You.

It will do whatever it can to make you stay on the level of awareness where you currently are, and it is doing everything in it’s power to make you feel you need it. That what you need and want is something the world can give you.

But the world cannot give you what God gives you. God is the only source there is, and even if you feel panic dwelling up, please remember that you are not alone on the path that you have chosen.

This is all a really good thing.

I can testify that it is good, even when it feels like the world is crushing and we see no way out, I promise you that it is all for your highest good. I have gone through these periods in the past where I have literally been on my knees, crying and feeling completely abandoned by God.

Now I recognize the periods and I get through them faster, but they are still very painful.

It’s a process that everyone who has seriously chosen the spiritual path in life goes through at some point in their evolutionary journey, and it can take years for some, the periods come and go, while for some it’s a few nights of very, very deep spiritual depression or crisis. But it is all a good thing.

I know this, and I want to encourage you, if you are going through something similar, to understand that it is temporary, even if it feels like it will never end. Even when all you feel like is to go to bed and just sleep through it all, or even feel like you never want to wake up again. There will come a brighter day, I promise.

And I also promise that when the day comes, it will be brighter than the days you have ever had before. I promise you this. It is all worth it, so stay strong and faithful.

Sometimes the purification we go through is shown as physical symptoms;

  • severe headaches, back pain for no reason at all, and sometimes intensive periods of only one or two days of a flu-like symptom where you are totally collapsed, body feeling sicker than ever before.
  • Read more about Ascending Symptoms here: http://mariaerving.com/healing/ascending-symptoms/

Know that if you have chosen the spiritual way of living, and if you have asked for your ego to be undone, and you have prayed to awaken and to be transformed, and you suddenly experience something like this, think for yourself if it can be spiritual growing pain.

Go within and ask if it could be it. It probably is. If you want to awaken to your true self, you have to expect and accept the fact that the ego will not give up easily:-)

I know, it’s easier said than done, but the easiest way through it is to just surrender to the process.

Let spirit lead you through it, and know that even if it feels you are “forsaken”, you are not. You ARE being held by the hand. You truly are. You will know it when you have passed through it to the other side.

What to do when going through these periods? What to do when praying and meditation just doesn’t feel good or right anymore, what to do when reading inspirational stuff just doesn’t seem to interest you anymore as it did before..? What to do when all you want to do is to go to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow?

Well; what NOT to do is to try to fix it somehow. To not desperately try to take control of the situation and become almost hysterical about looking for ways out. All those things are actions made from a place of ego. Out of fear.

What I have learned is to surrender to all of it. It’s a practice, and we surrender and take it back, surrender and take it back. But the taking back-part becomes less and less as we grow.

Say out loud “I surrender all this to you God! I don’t know anything anymore, I simply don’t know anymore God, so I leave ALL MY LIFE IN YOUR HANDS, all of it”.

Just surrender. I mean it. You can’t possibly know which way to go or what to do, because the world you are now entering is new to you, you can’t know anything about it because you haven’t been there yet.

So surrender and let your self be LEAD to it, because you truly are not alone. I promise you that.

Just let go.

Also ask “Where and how can I give of myself?”

And even if it feels like you have nothing to give, the answers will come to you. Just as it did for me now that I got inspired to write this to you. And I feel relief, I feel peace again, I feel connected again.

I feel being lead through it and I will do nothing to interfere. I welcome my transition to the next level and invite you to do the same.

All IS well.

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  1. Lana Leazer

    Thank you Maria!! Really enjoyed this one..this is a battle I go thru all the time but always remember to let go of the “ego” and stay “spiritual”

  2. Yes, absolutely πŸ™‚ it’s an continuous chosing we are making– chosing God over and over again while undoing ego.
    And it never ends because there will always be another level to enter when we least expect it πŸ™‚
    Loving it ALL—

  3. Lili

    God Blessed You, Maria!
    I learn everyday to let go more and more… Still at the beginning! I know that all will pass and Everything is in Divine Order, so… I will resist πŸ™‚ Posted this on Facebook…
    Thank You! Love You, already!

  4. Maria Erving

    Thank you for your kind words – much appreciated! πŸ™‚
    Blessings and Love to you! <3
    (and thank you for sharing my writings with others:-)

  5. Maria Erving

    Thank you Pam! πŸ™‚
    Blessings to you too <3

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  9. Oh wow, goosebumps all the way! As someone who just came through to the other side, I can totally relate to all of this. For the last few weeks, after months of daily meditation and practicing mindfulness, I suddenly felt terrible. I was depressed, disinterested in everything, and was even getting headaches (which I NEVER do). I wondered if I’d ever feel peaceful again…but I knew, some day, it’d pass.

    Yesterday, it did. Honestly, it felt like a miracle! I was enjoying an outdoor breakfast with my love, and I was present for the first time in a while. I really felt the warm sun on my back, the breeze on my face, and the love in his eyes. I felt *totally* connected, peaceful and present. I’ll admit, I even cried happy tears on the way to work.

    I never thought of those dark periods as the ego dying. I always thought I wasn’t meditating enough, or correctly…But I think you’re right – it’s just part of the process. It means we’re headed in the right direction.

    Sorry for the novel of a comment. πŸ˜‰ I just had to share, and I feel comfortable doing so here…Thanks for a fantastic post, Maria. I appreciate your words.

  10. Hello again Kaylee,

    Thank you for sharing your own experiences, it’s always interesting to hear because everyones journey and process is deeply personal and different in the way it progresses.

    The things you described are very common; the disinterest, feeling depressed, headache and so on.

    They may be ascending symptoms:

    Here’s a few of my old posts from a couple of years back that might be of interest, if you haven’t already read them:

    “Spiritual Purification and Raw Emotions”:

    “Spiritual waiting room”:

    “Feeling caught between a rock and a hard place spiritually”:

    Or, you can just search my categories “spiritual surrender” in the sidebar for a lot of posts about ego and the process of spiritual awakening.

    It’s not a “process”-process, like a three step-thing that we can control, but pointers that may be helpful in what you’re going through at the moment.

    Also, you find some info about ego death on my about-page: http://mariaerving.com/about-maria/

    Sometimes β€˜feeling bad’ mean that good (inner) work is being accomplished πŸ™‚

    It helps to remember that and keep it in mind when times gets rough on the level of ego consciousness.

    The ego will not give up it’s home (you) easily and if you’re earnest about your spiritual journey then that’s what to expect. It will do whatever it can to keep you from realizing the truth of who and what you really are.

    And it’s all ultimately good even though it can be very difficult to go through at times.

    (I assist and help people who are serious about their Spiritual Unfoldment and the Journey of Spiritual Awakening. More info here: http://mariaerving.com/sessions/)

    It’s basically a path of surrender (to God/Life/Source/Truth), and at times the ego will make you think you’re doing ‘something wrong’, or not good enough etc (as it has with you as you described), until one day when all your trying also drops away and you’re left naked and empty-handed, standing in Truth.

    That’s when life really begins and you will realize that everything that you perceived as being real and true (that included the ideas you have about yourself) is not true at all.

    There will be times when you dip deeply into your true nature, as you already have (tears of joy, tremendous inner peace etc) and there will be times when the ego pulls you back and you revert to the old for a while, and those times can be pure hell.

    And I’m not exaggerating; it really is like going through FIRE and at times we wonder if it’s ever going to get better as there seems to be no light in the end of the tunnel so to speak.

    The most important things is to not avoid any of it; awareness about the process is the key, and you’ll find a wealth of info here on my blog about it.

    Here’s a free e-book for you that can be of interest too:
    “Dark Night of The Soul by St. John of the Cross”:

    We are all going to wake up eventually (either in this life-time or the next, but we’re all heading in the same direction; to Self-realization) and we can either go about it by surrendering to the process, or by kicking and screaming our way there.

    We might as well buckle up:-)

    Enjoy the ride Kaylee! πŸ˜€


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  12. Neerav Trivedi

    I recently realized that the so-called “Dark Night of the Soul” is a self-created and self-imposed “drama” of the ego trying to fight back or resist against its own death/demise. As ultimately, the ego is false and its existence is an illusion, so is anything related to it such as this so-called “Dark Night of the Soul”. In fact, you can say that it is an illusion of the ego, because who you really are, which is the Spiritual Self, does not suffer an identity crisis. Hold onto the real “You”, and no suffering is experienced because the illusory ego is experiencing this illusory “spiritual crisis” that it itself has created. Knowing this fact ahead of time as a spiritual seeker will save you from a lot of pain and suffering later on.

  13. Hello Neerav,

    Thanks for commenting.

    This post is an old one, I wrote it back in 2010, and I have developed/evolved beyond the things I wrote about in the article.

    The dark night of the soul is far from being a self-created drama, it’s not even something we consciously chose to go through.

    It’s Life dragging you through it, on it’s own premisses. We can resist it or go with it as best we can, but go through it we go.

    Anyone that is serious about their spiritual evolution will come to realize this, that the ego will die in the process and there’s no way out of it.

    (Oftentimes when going through this we wished we never embarked on the spiritual path to begin with, while obviously we would never go back to the old, but that’s how severe the agony can be).

    Many sages and mystics have gone through the same process in the past as many are today, lots and lots of people are going through the process of waking up nowadays.

    The most important thing is to never go ahead of oneself and make a spiritual awakening experience to be “it” thinking that that’s that.

    There’s a whole new process after the awakening too, and only if someone takes the first experience to be “it” will they not go beyond it as long as there’s an ego that has taken ownership of the experience. (a.k.a. spiritualised ego who thinks it has awakened).

    You can know you are the spiritual self all you want, but the ego is there as well in the process, resisting it all.

    And yes, even though we know it’s an illusion, there’s still resistance and in many cases (most cases) severe suffering and inner turmoil. The fire is there to burn up the ego. (And it is like going though fire; pure Hell).

    This happens with people all over the world, and I obviously know this from my own past life experiences and processes.

    Awareness is always the key, that’s why I share what I share both here on my website and elsewhere.

    But to hear about someones experiences and make them yours so to speak, will not transform you at all. So yes, in theory it’s good to know beforehand what to expect, but when in the midst of the actual experience, all the things we “knew” we realize we really didn’t at all.

    One cannot read oneself to awakening. It’s beyond knowledge. Wisdom comes from insights and revelations and not from the mind and thinking and learning about things.

    We don’t transform ourselves (we could even ask “what is the self that wants to be transformed?” and look into that because it’s in the knowing of the false that we come to see the Truth); it is Life/God which transforms us and it can be beautifully ruthless in it’s ways. It will remove all that is false.

    We don’t wake up, the person is not the one who wakes up, and we don’t do any of the ‘waking up’ ourselves. So to be a seeker as you put it, will only prevent us from seeing clearly. (As if Truth was somewhere away from you).

    But to chose to not be a seeker is an act of will, which is from the ego, so we can’t fool ourselves in this at all. We can’t decide to not be a seeker anymore, that’s what happens naturally in the awakening process (by itself); the false falls away and it does so on it’s own, not by our choosing and deciding it will be so. (There’s no personal will involved at all).

    I personally do not resonate with the word spiritual seeker and have never seen myself as such. I know many people seek enlightenment, but I don’t, because I know that all my spiritual experiences throughout my whole life has never been my own doing, it has all been Life doing it’s thing.

    Spiritual awakening means the old structure will crumble completely, and for many people that absolutely includes the dark night of the soul.

    Here’s a free ebook for you (if you haven’t already read it): http://mariaerving.com/dark-night-of-the-soul-book/

    Hope you enjoy the read.

    Thank you also for your email; glad to hear my article about falling back to duality resonated with you.

    All the best,

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  16. Marie Stephens

    Im so bless reading this article, feeling like God had left or I might have done something terrible wrong, this really ministered to me I connected right away. Praise be to God.I was calling all different prayer lines and felt the same after. God bless you Maria.

  17. Glad to hear it resonated with you Marie and that it was helpful to you, but there is no God to be praised, only the Truth within you (which is the “real God”).

    The Truth within you sent you here, not some conceptual bible God.

    Maybe you’re in the process of waking up from the belief, and if so, good for you.

    No more tears when the process is over (only freedom and happiness), although it can be agonizing when in the midst of it.

    So instead of calling prayer lines, look inwards and find (the real) God there.

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