In May-June sometimes (2011) I had a very profound spiritual experience that altered my whole life and after have been in a state of absolute bliss, I went into a black hole of despair, frustration and a feeling of defeat against a God that I suddenly felt was very mean and I started to seriously question everything I had previously believed.

I have had moments of spiritual realization and awakening before, but not in this way. This time it was very different. And I had also had my moments of spiritual tantrums and rantings with God and the ego in the past so I knew about the processes, only this time it didn’t go in a direction that it usually was going. This time I felt betrayed by God and felt like I wanted to end the relationship.

I felt that the love of God was not unconditional.

There were always some rules, and suddenly it became so clear to me. I had defended “him” when others were blaming God, and complaining about life. Now it all felt like a lie.

I had – in my moments of raging and being angry with God – said that I will turn my back on him if he doesn’t step up so to speak. Sometimes it felt like I was talking to a wall.

I reached a plateau in my development when I just felt lured into a trap of divinity, and I felt like I had been used as an instrument to lure others in it too by teaching about faith and the goodness of God.

I had actually believed all that, but I hadn’t lived it myself 100%. I was always in a state of believing good things were around the corner if I only continued believing, and so I did.

I was constantly between absolute knowingness of the love of God and I also fell into frustration and sadness of how things were not working and developing. I thought it was the ego-side of me that felt that way, so I was able to let that go and instead go with the flow of life until things sorted themselves out. Now I instead feel it’s a sick and twisted God and that what I have believed was completely wrong.

Sometimes I questioned the saying that “positive expectation is the key to success and happiness”, when I thought of all the times I had been 100% sure that I would succeed and that I was going to be used by God for the greater good, which I had prayed for for years.

Like the time I moved to Spain. God told me to go, and so I did, only to be met with tremendous struggle and fearful times when before I left Scandinavia, I was 100% sure that I would succeed in my endeavors of creating a career for myself (with the help of God) – I was absolutely sure, and I have absolutely no worthiness-issues so I was SURE, but as I said; I was met with complete rejection.

I KNOW I am worthy of all the best that the world has to offer, and I have expected it. I expect the best, and I know I’m worth it. That is not an issue for me, I still believe that I’m worthy of living the best life possible.

There has been times when I have kind of questioned how that can be true that positive expectations is the key to success, when it wasn’t for me. And probably many others too.

I wonder how many of all the spiritual teachers actually live what they teach 100%, and how many of them believed that they would live that way if they only continued to believe and “act as if”..? Makes me wonder. Are we just fooling ourselves and each other because deep in our hearts we really want to believe and that is also what we wish for each other?

I mean, my intentions were always pure and they always came from my heart. But have my help only made people feel better for the moment, or have what I have shared really made a difference in other peoples lives in a way that it has changed their lives permanently?

Here’s a post I wrote on my blog shortly after I had the awakening:

How to express in words what I have experienced lately? I’m not sure that I can. The short version would be that I have awakened to something beyond what I have ever been before, and my life has made a 180 turn in the direction of ‘I.Don’t.Know’.

I’m sitting here in my kitchen writing this, with some old notes in front of me from a time, not so long ago, when I experienced a similar heightened awareness of Truth, but went back to doing things my own way again for a while.

It’s very difficult to explain what happened, but it has been a spiritual evolution for me that has reached some kind of new plateau that is new for me in the sense that even though I have felt this Peace before – it has deepened even more – something I didn’t even knew would be possible.

To go back a little, to make things a bit more clear about who I used to be and who I am today;

I was Miss Goal-setter and Clarity, I was the most clear person I knew, I was ambitious, assertive and determined. And yes, spiritual too. But very goal-oriented, and determined that I would never EVER settle for a small, average life, so I worked my but off to become successful – some nights I could literally not keep my eyes open because I had been in front of the computer for hours and hours, and my eyes were burning.

I had so many plans, so many action steps on my daily to-do list and I visualized, I made vision boards, I re-programmed my mind, I did it all.

During all this striving – I have always also strived (or had the intent/wish) to be close to God and prayer and meditation was (and still is) my everyday norm, I could not imagine doing anything without consulting with my inner self first and my intuition is very strong and I trust it.

That doesn’t mean I have always listened to it..

What I noticed was that I started to really enjoy my silent times with God, and I more or less stopped listening to guided meditations and brain wave technology etc, and instead just got still and listened.

Meanwhile, I also turned to frantic doing-ness at times, with the determination that I will succeed in my business-life.

I went through my Dark Night of The Soul periods as you may have read (have shared it before with you), and I have been through hell and back more than once in my life. I knew it was a purging process for me, but there were times that I didn’t know what else I could possibly do – nothing seemed to really work in my life, and my efforts made me exhausted at times. And I kept pushing and pushing – I WAS going to succeed no matter what!

Then,.. ‘one day’ (it was really a process), I lost all that.

The first time this happened I recall feeling this indescribable inner peace of all being really really so incredibly well. The meaning of “All is Well” really got through to me, and I somehow deeply felt a sense of having ‘got it’.

Things around me started to feel so shallow, and it was really disturbing. I didn’t want to have anything to do with the world, and I retreated to a period of alone-ness (not loneliness) and this kind of collided with my need to promote myself on Facebook and Twitter and what not, but it just felt so meaningless and shallow. I didn’t care anymore, and it felt good.

Suddenly I found myself desiring nothing. I mean nothing. My previous dreams and goals made no difference to me anymore, they were not important to me any longer.

While feeling this, I also felt that I had no clue about anything, and I was completely OK with that. While having no clue, I also felt the most clear I have ever felt in my life.

To say I didn’t care anymore might be a too strong of a word, a better description would perhaps be that I felt no care or concern about anything, and while standing in the midst of this nothing-ness, I felt complete. I remembered a different life, and that the world was new. And this happened in the same instant. It was a shift that happened. I felt like both the past and future were gone and the only moment there was was Now and I was It.

I had let go of my past years ago, and I have written and teached about the importance of being in the moment but this was something else, something more deep. A few years prior to this, I had an experience of total Oneness where I saw and felt myself being One with all, and although this time was a bit different, it was about the same thing. Present moment awareness.

And something else about this experience was that even if it was the most wonderful and enlightening experience I had ever had, it wasn’t like I cared about it – I mean, it felt natural and that I was ‘home’, and I wasn’t impressed by it in any way. Although it was the most amazing thing at the same time. I went very quiet and just experienced it all with an “Ooooh,… right, this is how it’s suppose to be..”

I felt calm and unimpressed, yet like a miracle had occurred.

The world itself as I had known it to be, disappeared, and left was Oneness with God, and that was all that mattered to me. Because in truth there is nothing else.

I used to have all these goals, and used to work so hard to achieve them, I used to visualize enthusiastically, and envision myself co-creating my life; and now none of that mattered anymore.

It was like there was nothing to tell God.

I don’t have to be clear, I don’t have to have goals. I don’t need to concern myself with bringing my dreams and goals to my undivided attention day in and day out, while surrendering them at times only to take them (the control) back again later.

Understand me right; I loved what I did. But now in hindsight, I clearly see how the ego operated with bringing me some fun and excitement, and also struggle and striving.

These moments puzzled me and I used to angrily rant and rave to God about why I felt blocked and hindered in my progress at times. I just couldn’t get it, and then after those moments I fell back into peace again, and so it went on and on, darkness, light, darkness, light. I grew to become very familiar with the process and let myself be in it, knowing that it had to do with my own personal growth.

I have been A Course in Miracles student for a few years, and more and more I got to realize what I was asked to do – correction; I had asked to do God’s work for years and years – and now I was shown that what I had dreamed for myself was not exactly what God had in mind…

I finally felt that I had opened myself up to the life that was planned for me, versus the life I had planned for me, and I cried and cried tears of joy and liberation.

My thoughts were all on God, and I saw God in everything and life was good.

Then, I went back to planning and plotting my own way once again.

Nothing worked. I can’t even begin to say how many approaches I have had on my business, how many ideas I have struggled with to implement successfully – only to face hindrance and struggle, and while doing this, knowing (!) that there is something else.. and I had my spiritual temper tantrums, oh my God – did I have them and had them hard. I can’t even describe the horror, the fear, the worry, the rejection and utter sadness I have felt.

This time I was a bit more grown into my Oneness, so my worry wasn’t there as it had before, but I did feel discouraged and sad – I felt betrayed by God to be honest. I couldn’t get my head around why I, the most willing person on earth to do God’s will and help other people, would be hindered in pretty much everything I trued to accomplish. But still I kept trying.

I felt excited, and again I fell into despair. Fun and excitement, hopelessness. Darkness and light, here we go again. The peace was there most of the time I must say as I evolved, but I fell back into struggle at times too. Hard.

Each time I became more and I grew more and more into my Soul, and I kept teaching and helping people and doing my thing while praying and meditating and consulting with my inner guide.

Amazing things started to happen, I attracted wonderful opportunities to me and I started to feel as if my success was finally coming. I cried tears of joy for the great things and people I attracted to my life. I kept letting God know I was here for him, I began my days with asking God to use me, and I kept reading A Course in Miracles.

Fast forward to a day a few months back.

I was invited to travel to the other side of the world to hold a seminar and I was sooooo happy – so excited and so grateful that I cried tears of gratitude and joy for this opportunity and of course I accepted it!

Immediately I began to plan what I was going to share and teach; I mean I have tons and tons of material to use, having teached the law of attraction and mind power and so on for years, written numerous articles about it as well as a couple of books. It was just a matter of putting it all together into a seminar presentation.

I started to create my presentation but I felt so utterly uninspired, and I felt something was about to happen with me, I was changing and I felt scared because I was loosing my interest in it all, not only about the things I was teaching about how we create our lives, but pretty much everything that had to do with the world. It all felt so uninteresting and,.. not ‘real’ anymore.

I was confused, thinking what is this? This is an opportunity that I have been waiting for for ages and now that it’s in front of me I’m totally loosing it.

My ambition was gone and I couldn’t even look at a book that was about goal setting, focus or any of that that had to do with creating our life and manifesting. I felt it didn’t resonate with me anymore. It wasn’t congruent with who I was in becoming.

I prayed to be shown what to do and how to handle it all and that IF it was my ego that was trying to hinder my success that I would be shown how to remove the blockages that hindered me, so that I could go on and create an amazing seminar that would help so many people to live to the fullest.

Nothing happened. Nothing but me feeling that I moved away from it more and more, to the point where I just surrendered it all to God and put my whole manuscript in between some pages in my Bible and asked God and the Angels to handle it for me.

I thought I’d visualize myself teaching and sharing on the seminar, made powerful affirmations and all that, and I just felt resistance to it all, it all felt very much ‘off’.

And I know that it’s the feeling that attracts, not the words. The words are hollow in themselves, so it just felt plain wrong, so I stopped doing that. Plus, my intuition was clearly telling me that something was indeed ‘off’, although I struggled with knowing what it was.

After some battling with the ego, I came to a point where I declared myself as defeated. (Yes; defeated. And for me this was HUGE)

And I was so sad, so incredibly sad. I was ready to give up everything and basically crawl back to mediocrity, thinking that OK, I have given my absolute best for 10-15 years now and I have had it. You win.

This moment of surrender changed everything.

It wasn’t like my previous times of surrender – this time I felt like I had really had it with everything and felt that this was a defining moment for me and I thought it was going to be the worst experience ever in my life. I was so sad. But then, ..

I suddenly felt liberated, ..

.. so safe and secure, sure, fearless, and profoundly peaceful – and I felt such a rush of pure love through my whole being and I couldn’t stop crying. Just thinking of that moment now makes my eyes water. I felt so free and happy.

I suddenly came to the realization that the ‘I’ that had all these dreams, goals and desires was not the real me, because why would a being that already ‘is’ everything (God) need or desire anything..? It suddenly made no sense.

‘I’ don’t need to have any goals or aspirations, because all is only a matter of recognition (of a Self that already IS everything), or realization, and that the ‘ego-I’ don’t really have a clue about what my true purpose is – only the true self has, and it is always already ‘it’, so there is nowhere to go or nothing to become.

Liberated and relieved is the closest description I can give of what I felt.

And I felt so Loved.

The things I have teached about setting goals and all that had no meaning anymore, and I knew that I can’t teach that to people anymore because it’s not congruent or in alignment with who I really am anymore.

I let go of everything, all my agendas, goals and plans that I had created and felt that I will from now on meet people where they are with no script to follow whatsoever. No more coaching people in order to help them to set goals and so on. Wherever others are, I’ll meet them and whatever is needed we will be given – whatever it is.

I was told by God that whatever I was meant to be teaching, I would be given the words. Whomever I was meant to help, was going to be sent to me, and whatever my role would be I would be told in that precis moment. It could be something I have no clue about at this moment in time, but as the time is right I will know. There will never be any uncertainty again. And it feels wonderful! (uncertainty of who’s with me, who’s holding it all)

I.Don’t.Know – How liberating! All I need to do is to stay present and listen. And I feel it’s easier than ever to do.

I began to attract clients for healing sessions and counseling (without agenda, meaning there is no specific ‘coaching’ going on). And this had been quiet for a while, and I realized that the more clear I had been with what kind of clients I wanted, the more hindrance I had set for myself.

This kind of clarity is much spoken about in different self development programs and coaching where one learn about niches and becoming detailed about all kinds of things and so on. The clarity being so important – and it was for me too for a long time – whereas now, I decided (or said ‘yes’ to God’s suggestions) that the ‘right’ people is not for me to chose and decide for at all. They will be sent to me, and I don’t need to concern myself with anything else than listening and obeying my intuition on a moment-to-moment basis.

Without any planning or clarity or goals necessary on my part.

I must not interfere – that’s my only goal, beside being here for God. (=Always choosing peace first)

I felt only Peace. Freedom. Joy. Gratitude. I feel such Love for the world I can’t even describe it.

I no longer have any mission statement, nor any expectations, I will only follow my heart where it leads me and whatever it is, then so be it – feeling grateful and appreciative.

All I know that I trust God and that I am loved beyond words. (We all are, I’m not implying that I am special in any way)

As of before when I had let go of my past years ago, now my future is let go of too. It’s all in the hands of God. And I used to be so now- and future-oriented… whereas now it’s only about Now.

I don’t care about achieving any of the things I used to dream about – and believe me, I was a BIG thinker! It’s not important anymore. I’m not attached to it anymore.

If I ‘achieve’ them, great. If not, that’s great too. I’m really very OK with it as long as I can stay in this vibe of Love, Peace and Purpose where I’m dwelling right now.

God is my only goal now, and whatever action there will be on my part I will be told of.

Lol! A funny thing that happened while all this went on at it’s most intense moments was the ego-self getting concerned about having to re-do my site and pages and basically change my message of ‘Get Clear, Set Goals and Take Inspired Action. Life Is Meant To Be Lived On Our Own Terms – Outside The Box!’ to the complete opposite as my belief-system has radically transformed!

First of all; there is no ‘box’ (there is only God; ego is not real) and there is a divine purpose for each and everyone’s life and it’s probably something most of us don’t even know of yet – but that will absolutely be revealed when we are ready to really let go and let God. (For those who chose this of course – we all have the option of using our free will to live our lives from the perspective of the ego, or Spirit)

There is no need for the ego-self to make plans and goals, for the plans are already made by your true self (God) and they are revealed to us when we listen.

God wants to express itself through each and everyone of us – we need only say Yes with a sincere heart if that is what we desire. And then wait and listen for direction. Now that is very clear to me, and that is the only clarity I will be needing from now on.

And all I can say is Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

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After this state of bliss had diminished, instead of having moved forward, or growing as the times before, I felt that I was thrown into a hole of darkness and I felt so betrayed, and so defeated. I felt like God was a sadistic and mean. Unconditional love my ass.

I really started to feel very much off, like something was really, really wrong.

“You must be clear about what you want, but you must not want it, if you do, you will not get it”

“You must have faith, if you don’t you will not hear from me”

“You must love only me”

“God only tests you (what kind of sick God would do that?) to be sure you love him”, and that kind of crap.

And what is this waiting-game about? How sick to make his ‘children’ wait for their good!

There’s a lot more examples, and I was sick of it all. It was like being in a really bad relationship where the other one was loving sometimes and an effin asshole at times, and I just couldn’t stay in it. Me and God was over and out.

And when I decided to let go, I felt relief.

But then, I felt even more into darkness. I felt alone without God, and while at the same time I longed for God I also couldn’t stand him, or any of that “spiritual stuff”. It all felt so false and I couldn’t stand praying or meditating, I couldn’t read another inspirational quote or newsletter about goal-setting, focus and manifesting the ultimate life or whatever. I was so over it all. Just to think of visualizations etc made me cringe.

And the thing is, that my life was built upon spirituality.

Everything I did was based on spirituality. And now it wasn’t anymore.

I’m letting it all go, and I have no clue where to go from here.

I just can’t write empowering and inspirational stuff anymore (at least at the moment), counsel people and tell them to trust God when I don’t do that myself anymore. I morn God and the moments of peace and love I have felt.

But the love is not unconditional, and I can’t live like that.

Maybe this is a phase that will pass and I fall back into living from spirit, but right now I despise it. Or maybe this is me living from spirit and I had it all wrong before. Just that I’m adjusting to it, and that’s what feels uncomfortable. It may be for all I know.

I have isolated myself from people lately, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not as social anymore as you may have noticed; I haven’t been on Facebook or Twitter much lately or anything.

I feel far from connected with the divine, or being in alignment. I’m going to let go of everything I have ever thought or believed and let this new me come forth, whoever that is.

I’m letting go of my business, I have to re-invent myself, re-create my life from scratch.

Sometimes I feel like a puppet and that someone else is pulling the strings and that no matter what I do, it has no meaning. It’s like nothing I do matters, I just feel held back and blocked by a power who sometimes gives me something awesome to enjoy and share and then takes it back. Almost like to prove that I’m not the boss of my life and it doesn’t matter if I make plans and have dreams because ultimately it’s not up to me.

I know I sound like a victim and bu-hu and so on, but this is how I feel at the moment. That doesn’t mean I stay in that vibe. But I do accept all my emotions and I’m not going to hide how I feel just to make others feel better or to make the ego look strong and balanced. I’m not feeling good right now and that’s how it is.

And I’m done crying. I have cried many times in my life after I decided to go with God, but no more. The emotional journey is too extreme. Going from blissful states to despair over and over again is just too much for me right now; and I feel it’s so sick and twisted to be in a relationship like that.

Who would put someone they love through those processes just to see if our love towards them is true and pure? And to think about the times I defended God when people shared similar experiences with me, really believing that God was good, while at the same time going through trying times myself but wanting to believe so bad that I fooled myself somehow, living with hope that some day maybe ..

.. and I have felt empowered and absolutely blissfully loved by God, but then there is that other side.. Who is that? It just can’t be “God”-God, can it? Something is very off here. Is it the ego pretending to be God and I have believed it all this time? If God only gives, the who is it that takes, or holds back,  if not the ego?

But then there’s the ‘rules’; ‘you must this and that, but not that’ etc..

I’m done with that crap. It feels kind of liberating to just say “screw that!”

So I’m moving on.

Re-inventing myself – I’m not who I thought I was

Re-creating my life – From scratch

This is my personal journey

From now on my blog will be about me and my life, and I will write about things that I like and dislike and not necessary be here for others all the time as I have been previously.

Have no clue where this will go, but things must change and I feel it can only get better from here.

Thank you for all your prayers and good vibes sent my way – I have felt that I have received them and my intent is to soak it all up and get into the flow of me again, only this time I know that that person will be completely different.

It feels kinda liberating now. Thank you for listening to my rantings; I feel better now 🙂

Phew! Sometimes we all need to vent and vent real good!

SIMILAR POSTS BY ME:

https://mariaerving.com/spiritual-surrendering/spiritual-growing-pain/

https://mariaerving.com/uncategorized/feeling-caught-between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place-spiritually/

https://mariaerving.com/spiritual-surrendering/spiritual-waiting-room/

UPDATE: I’m once again on the other side of the darkness and will be writing more about this in the following posts. It’s a process of awakening (meaning it’s an ongoing process which each time leads to a new level of consciousness. It’s not a dark night of the soul that only comes once and then you’re “awakened”, as you can see from my previous posts too) and there’s a lot more to it than having rantings and spiritual temper tantrums. Life: What a journey! Phew! 🙂 Here’s a post I wrote the day after this one:

https://mariaerving.com/healing/after-spiritual-crisis/