Radical Spiritual Transformation

Something has happened to me that I feel is time to share with you.

Not knowing exactly how to explain this I have looked back on my notes and in my journal in order to find a place where to start and found that on the 19 of April (2014) I wrote that I woke up in the morning with the intuition that I should spend the day out in nature to “receive a vision”.

And faithful as I am to my inner voice I made some sandwiches and took my notebook and pen with me and left my phone at home and planned to be out in nature to meditate, walk, and listen to the wisdom that called me out, and I would be there until I had received the vision, whatever it might be.

Usually when I get these intuitions I always receive whatever it is that I am to receive, but this time there was no vision coming to me.

Instead what came to me was that I am to create the vision.

To make a longer story around the conversation I had with myself short; I experienced a shift in consciousness that basically made me realize that I am the maker of the world, and I also realized that everything has been given to me and suddenly I saw that all that had been ‘taken away’ in the process of awakening was now given back, and I felt it was given back to me a hundredfolds.

I felt that my mind woke up, that’s the easiest way to put it for me right now.

The whole concept of myself changed and I can tell you how it all started and how it can change the course of your life as well.

It begins the moment you decide something for yourself; when you set your bars for yourself, when you, despite of how things look, you commit yourself to one path, and that is the only thing you see and respond to.

You give yourself to Truth and you go with your Truth, period.

That’s the moment of decision that changes everything, and the thing is that it has to be either or. You can’t chose to live your Truth and then seek security from the outside.

This was when I had – not ‘given up’ (because I have always known I’m here for a reason) – but when I realized that I just couldn’t go on sharing and teaching the things I did (I felt resistance and the unwillingness to let go of concepts from people) and that I had to shift direction somehow, and knowing that it is a process, I knew (thought) it would take some time and felt resigned to go out and ‘get a job’ basically while the transition phase took place.

I felt sadness but a necessity to leave it behind because there is no way I could go on sharing with people who rather hold on to their concepts and spiritual ideas of what awakening is (it was frustrating to try to get through to people and not fun at all) instead of actually going through the process it takes, which is a process of spiritual death and rebirth.

Awakening is to awaken from all ideas and beliefs and that includes the concept of God, and the concept of Self.

But I have already written about that particular process so I don’t feel there is anything more that needs to be said about that right now.

So, I decided that the healthiest things for me to do was to start focusing on more enjoyable things to do in regards the work I wanted to do and after had pondered for a while it dawned on me that what I have in essence written a lot about during the years I have had this website, is intuition and awareness, so I was excited to pursue that direction and leave those who are stuck in the concept of awakening to do their thing until they realize the futility in that.

Ooh, I could actually have fun and laugh with the people I came in contact with instead of trying to convince them that ‘no, they don’t need to starve themselves to become cleansed so that they can become one with God’, and ‘no, you don’t have to love everybody all the time or be saintlike and pure so that you ‘become spiritual’, and ‘no, you don’t have to worship other human beings thinking their so called enlightenment will rub off on you, and no you don’t have to pray to a distant God in hope he will hear you and release you from your misery’.

That felt really wonderful, and I was happy to move in the direction of teaching the importance of intuition and awareness in our lives. (If this interests you, see my Online Classes and Workshops: mariaerving.com/online-courses)

So, it is in the moment of your decision to let go of something that you open up the doorway to another path and also another reality.

In this process which went on for a while and where one thing lead to another and I met new mentors (no longer alive people) that continued showing me the way forward, I was thrilled to say the least.

I felt that every single question I asked was almost immediately answered and I just followed the thread and blocked everything else out. (All my energy and focus was and is on one thing only and that is to live the Truth that I have discovered).

And I remember standing in my kitchen when I felt and experienced myself literally stepping into another world, and that world was even more beautiful than anything I had previously experienced (with that I mean that I LOVE Nerja where I live and everyday I almost have to pinch myself when I think about everything that has been given to me in regards of happiness and beauty), but this happened within me, in my consciousness.

Before this happened I had for a while back realized that there was no more fear or worry left in me when it came to my finances, I had for a while felt and experienced that each time I said no to money coming from sources that wasn’t in alignment with who I am, such as waitressing in shabby bars just to survive, life opened up within me, there was a sense of expansion and a kind of excitement in the lack of another word.

(Not that there is anything wrong with being a waitress, that was just not what I came here for, and that decision and integrity to stay true to myself even though I felt I was talking to deaf ears in the (spiritual) work I tried to do and did not know how to proceed when it came to my teachings, the choice of being true to Truth opened up my life bit for bit and fear disappeared).

Every moment is filled with a million different choices of paths to follow and most human beings are so afraid that they go for money before their own inner truth.

They want security rather than truth.

Nothing wrong with security, but that should not be a person’s reason for living.

Not if you want to be free, because then your freedom always depends on an imagined outside source such as money in the bank or another person or government to rely on that will take care of your needs, and if you would loose that source you would again fall back to feeling limited and in bondage and unfree.

All the while the only source of freedom there is and will ever be is within you.

Now looking back on my older articles only a few months ago, I see a totally different person, and I mean totally and the transformation that has taken place since I took my cat and two suitcases and my laptop and moved to Spain with almost no resources at all is radical to say the least.

And the only trust I had at the time (as even trust is let go of) was in myself and humanity, at that time I thought life could go either way so looking back I can see that the step I took was a bold one.

I also see that it was necessary for me to leave with no assurance of anything turning out great because that was a demonstration of my own trust in myself.

And now I’m born again. That’s how I feel.

And so many other things that has happened lately confirms that within me over and over again. I cannot explain this.

I feel that I’m awake in a dream.

I can see things happen before they happen. I experiment with my creative power that I have (re-) discovered and I’m having fun with this.

I can encounter a situation and see it happen as I had envisioned it would earlier and it’s an amazing thing to experience; I can, as I speak to someone, hear them say the words that I have heard them say before they said it and I can see myself say and do things I have previously seen only in my mind.

I recognise that everything is consciousness, or “God”, and that I am that and I experienced the shift from one state of consciousness to another, and the old is like a dream I once dreamt.

It’s really weird (in a fun way) to look back at my life before I moved to Spain, it’s like someone else’s life or a distant dream of some kind, and it’s fussy in a way, like it belongs to someone else.

Every moment presents a million different directions and we all chose according to our sense of self worth, standards, values and belief in ourselves, but as long as we think there is an outside power to pray to or rely on for some kind of security etc, there will be frustration and suffering.

We can go in that direction, or this, or some other.

We can go with confidence, even if we are afraid, or we can go for false security, but I’m telling you, as you go with the truth of your being the security you crave will be given to you in the name of trust and a knowingness that all is well and that all will be well from now on.

A subscriber shared with me about her own fears in this process and asked me in an email the other day:

“.. Still, I can’t help thinking how my life is day by day and survival..how do you see your future ie in Spain and is it sustainable? I still have a small income source thank goodness but as much as I try not to, I panic about the future..”.

When I read this I realized that the sentence “is it sustainable” meant nothing to me. I can see how I have related to that in the past (I know all about crippling fear as I have experienced it in the past), but where I am right now in my own process of unfolding, that sentence means literally nothing to me.

Money and resources can come from an infinite number of channels (and not only “jobs”) and it doesn’t matter where you live on this earth, there are always both wealthy and poor people living together in the same cities.

There are always those who prosper no matter what the overall economy looks like. Why can’t that be you and I? I say it can.

And as you stay true to yourself those channels and doors will open up and it begins with a change from within.

If I thought or believed that money or the economy had any power over me, then I could have related to that, but I can’t anymore. The economy has nothing to do with the truth of who I am and has no effect whatsoever to direct my actions, I will continue doing what my heart tells me to do because that is where my happiness comes from.

I am the power in my life. There is no power outside of myself and I feel very, very safe and secure and confident in that, regardless of anything that only my human eyes can see at the time being, such as my bank account.

It defines nothing about the Truth about me and my vision forward.

No fear.

I have a vision, and it’s wonderful and grand, and I am committed to that vision.

You can have that too.

I feel so blessed and loved and as I write this I so hope that you will one day soon feel and experience what I feel.

Right now I want you to feel that!

Until you feel it’s a living reality for you, you can exercise your freedom to choose your attitude which is the same as surrendering to the Truth in you that you one day will discover that you are.

Start by asking all the questions that you want to have the answer to.

Notice that I wrote  “that you want to have the answer to”, meaning don’t write and ask yourself questions like “why is this happening to me, why me, oh why me?”, but ask questions that are life affirming such as “what do I need to know that helps me move on from where I’m at now to a place that is fulfilling and enjoyable for me?” (Just to make an example).

Looking back in my own journal, it’s filled with questions.

I don’t hold back nor do I censor myself, and you can even ask yourself what to ask if you don’t know!

I have always asked a lot of questions and I have always been curious and wanting to know, and the moment you want to know and to actually live the Truth, it will start to respond to your request and desire.

One day when you least expect it you will find yourself having stepped out into a new kind of world and when you do you also realize that it has always been there, just as all those millions of other paths you could have chosen – they have also always been there and they always continue to be.

You just become selective and the more faithful you are to yourself, the brighter the path before you.

Every moment is an investment of energy and the more we move through life being true to ourselves, the more we see how we can either waste this moment on fear and worry (or trivial things such as mindless TV watching etc) or we can trust ourselves and the path that we have chose and move with it.

Many times I see that people say they want something, but their actions are not in alignment with what they say they value and want.

Everything we do is an investment towards something and I have experienced in my own life that the moment I stopped looking for work like a maniac (I have applied for thousands of jobs all over the world and some days I was exhausted by my efforts) and each time I committed myself anew to my spiritual work, I felt as if I came alive more and more – even though nothing on the outside confirmed that my commitment would lead to anything in particular – I stay faithful to my vision because it was not given to me, I was actually told to create it and promised it will come to pass. So I trust that.

Something within me said that from that moment on, there would only be one power in my life and that I am that power.

This I say without any kind of pride or bragging or any of that kind.

It’s simply a statement that is true for everyone.

God” (consciousness) wakes up in you and then you know you and God are one. 

And a change of attitude (or to surrender, which lead to the same place of peace and trust) is what changes circumstances, not the other way around.

We can desperately try to change our circumstances (and for example desperately look for work just to survive) or we can turn within and transform our lives from that place and the world will transform and mold itself to the change that takes place within us.

You’re a hero in training.

When you come to know who you are then you will also realize that your happiness is not linked to any kind of outside source and thus it can never be rocked. No one can never take anything of value from you, it’s forever yours.

You can still experience fear coming up for short moments here and there but the moment you recognise it, something within you also recognises that it doesn’t belong to you and that it has nothing to do with you. It belongs to the past and your past is dead.

What you do is that you turn to Truth again in that very moment – because it’s obvious that that’s where you belong.

You are a noble being and I’m in tears now telling you this. I think you are beautiful and I think you are here to share the wonderfulness that is within your own heart.

You are here to express and share that.

But we must do, not only read and think something sounds nice. (Do the question exercise, don’t wait to another day).

We have to go with it, use it, try it, play with it, explore, BE.

It requires sincerity and commitment, and the moment you claim it, really claim it (take back your power), it’s yours.

What happens is a change in consciousness, and the expansion of “levels” is infinite and the more awake you become, the more clearly you see how the world operates on different levels of consciousness and how you have changed in regards to that.

When you expand in consciousness and you are re-introduced to a concept that you let go of long ago you see it differently, from a different perspective and your understanding of it is deep and more mature, and then you play with it, you try it out and by doing that consciousness expands even more.

Life is seen and experienced in a different light altogether.

Do not worship anything outside of yourself and do not give your power away to anything such as thinking astrology somehow dictates your future, and stop kissing gurus feet, stop living just to survive and get money, because there is NO power outside of yourself.

When you stop giving your power away you will find insightful revelations taking place within you and frustrations cease to be because you know there is nothing outside of you that dictates anything in your life and there is no God outside of yourself that you somehow have to please and obey. You will come to know that you are the power that people call “God”.

Fear does not belong to you. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

It belongs to the past and the person you once thought you were, and your past is dead.

What is alive now is who you really are and you are greater than you can ever imagine.


This is from the area where I live one evening not long ago. Isn’t it beautiful?

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  1. Pingback: Why I Write Two Journals Instead of One · Maria Erving :: Maria Erving

  2. W

    Hi Maria,
    You’re a few thousand miles away from me, I’ve never met you in person, and as odd as this sounds, I feel like I know your (person) if you will. I’m in a very, very, strange place, but I’m okay with now. Over the past 15 months, I’ve been turned inside out and outside in. I had nothing left to give to anyone or anything. Nothing. I felt incredibly helpless,desperate and intimidated by an unseen force as crazy as it sounds. Then Grace started moving through me (I didn’t know at the time that it was Grace) it felt more like “Hell/ fire” and it’s still happening. But, it’s okay now. This has been the most complex,disturbing, joyful, more disturbing, back to joyful experience that I’ve ever went through. But, underneath me somewhere, I can feel my spiritual reservoir being replenished in little tiny droplets. The pain from my past is completely gone in a strange sort of way. Just saying the words “my past” sounds dumb to me now, if that makes any sense. I just feel kind of strange and I can’t necessarily put my finger on it, but I’m highly aware of it. I’ve never been able to feel this deep before, it’s amazing, unsettling and sometimes very frightening. I was among the walking dead before all of this occurred, just another animated body. Now, I’m doing all I can to move through barriers without the resistance of my old self. People around me aren’t real sure what has happened with me and I’m just as puzzled as they are. I don’t know anything either. However, your words of truth have given me so much insight to what is occurring within me, I am so grateful. My awareness is expanding and there have been many times that I questioned my sanity. I still do from time to time. But, I feel safe and that makes me a little frightened? I know I sound contradictory, I can’t help it. I don’t understand and “I’m too tired” to even try and figure it out. I just keep moving through stuff that no longer serves me and it’s exhausting! I’m usually running wide open but now, I just have no motivation what so ever. Nor do I get the why I keep experiencing this intimidation thing or why I seem to get emotional in telling people I care about them. I’m really starting to get on my own nerves. I feel like I’m in a dream. I work with at risk youth and teens and right now I have no idea what to do. It almost feels like I’m being held down by some invisible force that’s not there. That kind of strangeness makes me uneasy at times, I just keep moving not knowing what I’m moving towards, it’s not like I have a choice so to speak. Anyway, I’m incredibly grateful to you for all that you share on your site. You’re blessing to many people like myself. I’m planning to schedule a session with you as soon as I move through this exhausted space I’m in. It’s taken me three days just to type this. Whew!
    I was wondering something. I have my Reiki 2 certification and plan on getting my level three. Here’s the thing, Ive never felt like I was doing much energy moving with people or myself. However, I’ve had reiki done to me a few times and I could definitely feel it. The sad part is I could be utilizing Reiki with at risk children but I don’t know what I’m doing even after all the classes. I could use it on myself for Gods sake! I apologize for being all over the place, it’s just where I’m at right now. If you have any helpful thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. I’ll be talking with you soon to schedule an appointment because this journey is changing every single day.
    Have a beautiful and blessed day.

  3. Hello W,

    Oh yes, I know what you’re going through.

    It is a process that has both bliss and hellish moments in it, but I can assure you that it will lead to a place of peace, love and freedom as you keep shedding the old and keep questioning and investigating within.

    Here’s a few of my older articles that immediately popped up for me when I was reading your comment that I think are helpful to you:

    (Some of them might be for members only as I don’t remember which ones are for the public and which ones are for members only).







    I’m here when you’re ready to schedule a session with me, just let me know.

    Regarding your question about Reiki;

    The most important aspect with healing work is to first and foremost use it on yourself.

    By healing yourself first (using Reiki on yourself first, before using it on others) you will learn how the energy moves and works through you and with your own healing process there’s a lot of things that you will come to realize and get insight into that you can’t get from only working on others.

    Do you do any mind treatments (distant healing) on yourself for example? Have you done at least 21 days of healing sessions on yourself?

    (Obviously that’s just a number, but usually that is a “requirement” after the first initiation to Reiki).

    Giving yourself Reiki every day for at least three weeks will open up so many doors within you that you could not have opened unless you worked on yourself, and as you know (if your teacher has shared it with you) 21 days is a somewhat ‘magical’ period where lots of transformation can happen if you follow through on the process.

    What you can do is to work on ‘getting to know’ Reiki and how it works in your own mind and body (practically), and then you will be more prepared to use it on others.

    Reiki, and any other healing modality for that matter, is something that every person needs to be acquainted with so it gets integrated into their system.

    You can also work parallelly with others while working on yourself, but the most important thing I want to convey is that you need to do your own inner healing work and practice what you have learned from your Reiki teacher.

    You will know when the time is right to go to the next level in your development because with all the inner work you do on yourself your intuition will grow and become clearer and clearer as well and it will feel like the next obvious thing to do.

    For now, even before I have ‘met’ you or spoken with you, I think it would do you good to stay on the level you’re at and integrate what you have learned so far by practicing it (by working on yourself) and then move to the next level when you feel intuitively that you are ready for it. But of course only you can know what is right for you 🙂

    Also remember that Reiki does not only channel through your hands (or by mind treatments/distant healing), it also flows through your eyes and your loving intentions towards the children you work with.

    While working with the children you can have an inner conversation with the healing energy and ask it to guide you in your interaction with them.

    A simple but powerful question to ask within is:

    “Show me and teach me how to assist these children in their healing” and then listen to the guidance you receive.

    I look forward to talk with you soon W.

    Until then, take care and have a wonderful day and weekend,


  4. Yngve Almli

    hey maria 🙂 i love your site. authentic spirituality for sure. i had my first real awakening a few months ago and it is good to see that what im going through now is a normal process. also watched adyashanti’s end of your world and you are both good teachers and resources. thank you!

  5. I’m so happy to hear that what I share has a positive influence in your process Yngve, and that you find it helpful. Thank you for saying that:)

    A lot of people are waking up now and it can at times be a disturbing and confusing process so I’m glad that because I’m fulfilling my purpose in life doing what I do, other people’s processes can be a little bit clearer and easier.

  6. Pingback: No matter how things look – I know I'm RICH! (1/2) · Maria Erving :: Maria Erving

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