Learn how to stand up for yourself (Take No Shit)
“How do you deal with judgements from others?”
Despite my increased awareness of the ego and its games, I still find myself in the grips of ego at times, particularly when it comes to the judgements of other people.
Yesterday for example, I was walking down the street and someone shouted something out a car window at me.
I have no idea what it was, but that tormented me all day.
Why would someone shout like that? What did he think of me? Does he think I’m ugly?
What does this say about me? Etc.
On one level, I am aware that the ‘one’ who is asking these questions and affected by the opinions of others is the false self, and the ego.
Merely a story constructed through years of conditioning that is overly concerned about being rejected and neglected, and who defines herself excessively via how she looks.
However, this knowledge doesn’t stop it being painful and causing a barrage of anxious thoughts and feelings of isolation and insecurity.
Even though it was something shouted out a window and I don’t know what it was, it felt startling and threatening and made me cower.
It brought back feelings from childhood of rejection.
I was wondering how you would recommend dealing with negativity from others and how to live life without defining yourself through the stories and judgements of other people, even strangers.
Thank you in advance Maria.
The short answer to your question, which was:
“.. how you would recommend dealing with negativity from others and how to live life without defining yourself through the stories and judgements of other people, even strangers” is this:
I just don’t give a shit.
That’s how I deal with it.
And that’s what I recommend you do as well.
“Why would someone shout like that?”
Because of their level of consciousness.
They are immature and probably insecure so they need to do these things from the safety of their car windows.
I’m assuming you’re talking about men giving you unwanted attention, so I’m going to reply with that in mind.
If your question is more general then let me know in the comments below and we’ll continue the discussion there.
I’ve had those experiences as well.
Most of it is cultural programming.
When I lived in Costa Blanca many years ago the Spanish men there found me (and any other blond woman) attractive so they were always whistling at me wherever I went.
They didn’t mean any harm by it, that’s how they treat women in their culture, they even whistle at grandmothers!
For me as a Scandinavian woman I was just annoyed by it but learned quickly that it’s best to just ignore it instead of responding as I would have if a guy in Scandinavia did the same.
In the Scandinavian culture men whistling at you is looked upon as childish/immature and/or sleazy and usually done by men who are just like that.
The men here in Costa del Sol are very different, more mature and friendly (everybody is, it’s a different vibe here altogether) and I haven’t run into any issues at all during my whole stay here.
But in India I experienced a whole different thing; the ogling men were everywhere.
It was so easy to see how repressed they are by culture and even looking them straight in the eyes telling them to stop staring at me (which I did a few times) was basically pointless.
They honestly thought it was okay to drool openly while looking at me, undressing me with their eyes (yuck!).
A couple of times I had to literally cause a scene to get them to understand that it was uncomfortable and disgusting how they behaved, following me around and so on.
So some things you have to address (if you feel threatened or stalked for example) and some things you can just let go of immediately (like men yelling something from a window) because it only shows their level of intelligence so why even get upset.
“What did he think of me? Does he think I’m ugly?”
Yes, maybe he thought you are really ugly. So what?
Would you really, honestly, want him to think you’re attractive..?
Would that change the fact that you felt uncomfortable?
Speaking of that;
Forget about the whole ego thing.
This is a human thing.
Of course it’s not fun when people do those kinds of things; it’s a kind of bullying really.
So when you asked “What does this say about me?”, I’d say “nothing”.
It’s them, and their insecurities and issues.
“.. concerned about being rejected and neglected, and who defines herself excessively via how she looks.”
This is something you need to work on and not just dismiss as an “ego-thing”.
It’s a real kind of suffering for you, so what is called for is self-love and building up your confidence and independence (not having the need to be liked/accepted and so on).
Maybe working with a confidence coach or a counselor or something.
Other things you can do:
What you can do for example is to look at the situation again with a pair of fresh eyes and think about what you would do if the same scenario happened again.
Would you cower again as you did in this particular situation, or how will you stand up for yourself the next time if it happens again?
Run it through in your mind and even practice in front of the mirror to build up confidence to address this type of behavior towards you.
Some things you can ignore (=not give a shit about them), while some situations calls for some kind of response.
I think with you this is a great growth experience where you can learn to stand up for yourself and let people know that you won’t take crap from anyone.
It may not be the easiest task for you if you struggle with confidence issues, but what other option do you have?
Either let yourself be treated this way or do something about it.
And if you weren’t able to address it because they drove off before you had the chance to say something, then rehearse the scene in your mind and pretend they stopped and then you tell them off.
Make yourself feel strong and confident in your mind and that will help build up your inner strength and power.
You can also write down a list of a few women who you respect and admire and pinpoint the reasons why you admire them and see what they have in common.
They probably have something you wished you had, so work on implementing that aspect into your own personal life as well (because you do have it within yourself, it has just not yet been expressed).
Ask yourself how they would handle the situation.
What would they do? What would they say?
How would they conduct themselves in a similar situation?
You can even pretend they stand on your side, cheering you on to stand up for yourself.
This goes for men too of course. Not only women experience these things.
Find someone you respect and feel their energy within yourself as you connect with them in consciousness/in your mind and then play with it until you find your own voice and expression.
Hope this was helpful to you.
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