Struggling With Fear of Losing My Looks
“I live in fear of losing my looks!”
Hi Maria,
Lately I’ve been struggling to cope with the fact that I am ageing physically and I live in fear of losing my looks.
Do you have any advice to those of us who are struggling with these fears?
My reply:
I’ll be 50 years old next year, which is so weird to think about! so I know what it’s like to experience and see all the different changes that happens as you grow older.
And even though I have more wrinkles and lines now and my body-shape is changing etc, I still feel okay with the way I look (but I’ve also never really had any body issues or things like that).
I’ve also noticed that I feel more comfortable, more free in my body, but I think it’s more of a mindset-thing than anything else, and part of the ageing process as well.
And also, there’s so many other things to value when we grow older that are more important than how our bodies and faces looks!
Confidence for example, it has always been what’s most attractive to me when it comes to other people.
In a way I think that’s universal,
I think we’re all more attracted to personality and confidence rather than looks, but with ourselves we think that what other people look for is someone good-looking – when it might not be true at all!
Ageing also brings so much more that is more worth focusing on and appreciating, such as;
- We become more intuitive and a better judge of people’s character, which is an advantage in life.
- We care less about what other people think of us as we come into a more mature version of ourselves.
- We’re much wiser and comfortable in our own skin and with the personal life choices we make.
- We have lived life so we have many stories to share and reflect on, and this makes us a lot more relaxed.
- Our values and priorities become more clear as we get more in tune with ourselves and grow older.
- We understand that our value does not come from the way we look, which I think so many young women are struggling with, especially in the age of social media where everybody is using filters to look even more pretty and beautiful.
As long as we let an external source dictate our sense of self-worth, we end up giving our power away, so in that way many young women let other people (and media) control how they feel about themselves.
Whereas when we have a more empowering self-image and identity, we automatically also care less about other people’s opinions and what they think of us.
Working on cultivating self-love and not comparing yourself to others (if you do that) and focusing on all the wonderful things you have rather than on what you lack or are afraid to lose will help you grow into a greater acceptance of yourself and the way you age.
Articles that can be helpful to you:
“8 ways to build and grow self-confidence and self-worth“
“Become Magnetic: Be PROUD and declare your self-worth out loud“
We’re also role models for the younger generation, even if we don’t know or think we are.
How do you speak about beauty for example, with your niece or granddaughter or other young people in your life?
It’s so important to think about how we speak about those things (and how we speak about ourselves) in front of them and that we empower young girls (and boys for that matter), to appreciate the more deeper aspects of who we are beyond the exterior.
They are literally bombarded everyday by media and the fashion/cosmetic industry who tells them (us) that you can’t be happy with what you see in the mirror unless you buy their products etc.
And I’m not saying don’t use any of those things, I’m not against it, I’m not even against plastic surgery and cosmetic treatments, I’m always of the opinion that people should do whatever feels most right to them.
But do it for yourself only, not for anybody else, and I think that’s the difference between a mature woman and a young woman who is insecure about her looks.
That’s another benefit of growing older, you have a much higher sense of self-worth that you just didn’t have when you were younger.
Not to mention the ability to laugh at yourself!
As we grow older we have a much more relaxed attitude around many things in life that maybe used to bother us when we were younger, or create anxiety for us and so on.
We get more settled into ourselves, more content, so getting older can be a relief in many ways.
Besides from the gray hairs, lines and wrinkles and so on, we also go through the menopause years, which brings with it its own challenges as our hormones are completely out of whack.
But we have to embrace it, embrace ageing, embrace the hormonal changes that happens and how our bodies are changing in the process, because it’s just the way life goes.
You still have your personality and individuality (which is more beautiful than looks), and I think it’s way more desirable to be loved and liked for that than the way we look, don’t you agree?
We are so much more than our appearance.
Like for example our minds and our brain is far more important, don’t you agree?
And the thing is, that when we have our minds right, then we also feel and become more attractive!
With ageing we reach that peace with ourselves, and it becomes more important to have people in your life that actually loves you for who you are.
So focus on the positive side of ageing as it’s inevitable that we age, so we are far better off just embracing it!
Shift your mindset and look at all the positive aspects of the woman you’ve become and the experience and wisdom you have gained, it’s so valuable!
Be grateful for having your health, and maybe you have a family and meaningful work that brings you joy and fulfillment, a wonderful husband/wife/partner, grandkids, and so on,
There’s so much to be grateful for and so much more life to be lived in this stage of our life!
Being happy and feeling gratitude for the stage in your life where you’re at is so important!
It’s incredible that we’re here, and we only have this One Life, so live it well.
Ok, so yes, we gain weight and our face and neck are beginning to sag and our eyelids might be more droopy, but none of that matters in the big scheme of things.
Besides, I would personally never get involved with a man who valued my looks more than me as a person, and I think most of us would agree with that, we all want that deep down,
so it’s just a matter of growing in self-confidence to get to that place within yourself and then from there on, you’ll be moving through life with a new sense of grace and aliveness.
We don’t have time to think about or pay attention to things that don’t really matter, and that is true especially when we grow older.
I actually enjoy growing older, while at the same time you also start to feel the realization of your own mortality as the clock is ticking.
You have things to do, a life to live, and you want to do all the things you want to do before it’s too late, so when you have that mindset, then all the other, more trivial stuff like looks, they just don’t matter that much anymore.
Not that you stop caring about how you look, of course not, but you’ll take care of yourself in a different way than what you might have done when you were younger.
It’s more focused on self-care and inner well-being and alignment and we become more focused on what makes us happy and fulfilled rather than trying to please others and be accepted by them.
And we tend to feel most attractive when we feel good about ourselves too, so that should be every woman’s (and mans!) first priority; to feel good about ourselves and to lead a life that we can be proud of.
Be more forgiving to yourself too, especially when you go through the menopause years as it can be really challenging until you find your way in it.
Anyways, 😊
I feel freer than I have ever felt before and I’m excited to be at this stage in life,
But I also understand the process you go through as so many things are changing (like the way we look), but it’s also just a new season in our life, and it can be enjoyed to the fullest when it’s embraced.
We just become beautiful in a different way, that’s all! 😊
Affirmation for you: “I am 100% comfortable being the wise, beautiful, fun, and sexy woman that I am!”
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(Original) image by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash.com
This is why I love your website!
People can ask you anything…not just “spiritual” questions! It’s such a gift to be able to so easily ask you anything, but also such a gift of getting a perspective from someone like you! And I’d add, an in-depth perspective.
A while back, Maya Angelou was on, I believe, the Oprah Winfrey show. She was older, had to wear sunglasses due to trouble with her eyes, and had to be escorted to her chair. I don’t remember what she said, but I was so struck by how attractive she was. She wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone, was completely comfortable in her own skin, and looked really cool in her dark sunglasses. However, I think Maya Angelou always had a very compelling presence.
I have always struggled with wanting to look beautiful, however I’m average. I just turned 60 this year and also struggle with the signs of physical aging. I can easily name many physically beautiful women, but the women that stand out to me are in their 60’s or older: Isabella Rosselini (Italian actress and model), Raffella De Laurentiis (the aunt of Giada who has a cooking show), Judy Dench (British actress). For two of them it doesn’t appear they ever had plastic surgery. I don’t know about the 3rd one. But in my opinion, they all have a natural charm, charisma, and ease. It’s actually hard to pin-point why they stand out to me, but I find them beautiful. Really beautiful.
A guy I was dating had an aunt who was a nun. I only met her once. She was elderly, had white hair that was cut short and simple. She was dressed simply in “civilian” clothes and I thought she was so beautiful…just her whole presence. I still remember her 30 years later.
I think for some women especially, it’s a fear of losing their sexual attractiveness. I once heard a quote from Gwyneth Paltrow saying she worries if she’s still f—able as she ages. Kind of crude, but I think that can be a component.
Aw, thank you Lisa! I’m so glad you feel that way, 😊
And yes, Ask Maria not just about “spiritual” things,
Actually I don’t even consider my work (or myself) as “spiritual”.
I’m about consciousness, energy, self-empowerment, alignment, living your best life, etc,
Living in alignment and in the fullness of who you are, and that’s not particularly ‘spiritual’, it’s, .. well, about wholeness!
Life is all consciousness, and spirituality is just a small part of that, so I’m not really ‘spiritual’ in the sense people might think.
I enjoy and love being a human being too!
To me spirituality is about your relationship with yourself and that which you call “God”, and I have a very good relationship with both! 😄
I might use the word ‘spiritual’ in some of my articles (that I publish nowadays), but when you read them you discover that it’s actually about life and living, and doing so in an empowered and free(ing) and happy/connected way.
Here’s an old post where I wrote more about what I mean:
https://mariaerving.com/flow-is-the-way-life-moves-not-spiritual
And here’s a newer one that I just recently published that you might like as well:
https://mariaerving.com/embrace-your-humanness-stop-trying-to-get-rid-of-ego
So any questions can be submitted via Ask Maria, and if I feel that it’s something I want to write about, then I’ll do that.
I love Maya Angelou, and I agree, she really had a powerful presence about her that was very attractive.
I agree re the other women you mentioned too, and there are so many others as well!
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Happy 60th birthday to you, Lisa!! Hope you had an amazing day and that your new year and decade will be even better than all the previous ones combined!! 🥳🎉
About fear of losing sexual attractiveness,
I think for me it’s the opposite (than what maybe most (or some) women feel)!
I’m more relaxed about my body now for example than what I have ever been, even though it looks different than it used to.
So even if my body’s ‘look’ has changed, I feel way more relaxed about it.
If someone finds me attractive and sexy then that’s wonderful, but if not, then I guess they are not for me then, I really don’t care in that sense if men think I’m f—able or not.
I do feel however that I want to lose some weight and get in better shape and are doing things to get there, but I’m solely doing it for myself, not to look sexy or hot for others,
It’s only for my own sake, and that feels very freeing, not that I have been very concerned about what guys think of me and my body before, but there certainly is a much more relaxed feeling about it now.
Something happened once I hit menopause (which was only a few weeks ago), that really shifted things in a new way for me (positively, and about a lot of things!) that I didn’t experience when I was in my peri-menopause years,
So I think that has something to do with it too, that as we grow older and the hormonal changes does their thing, we just become naturally more comfortable in our own skin, and bodies.
The first years of peri-menopause were incredibly challenging at times, but now I seem to have reached some kind of culmination, or shift, into a more empowered phase of the whole process, and it feels really great, – Fabulous, actually! 😊
But I don’t know how post-menopause will be of course (feel free to share your experiences with it), but I must say that I do feel better than ever now, and I love that. Fingers crossed it lasts!
Hormonal issues are not fun, but thankfully I have learned different things that helps me deal with them if they come up again.
Thank you again for your lovely comment Lisa, I always love hearing from you! 😊
Hi Maria!
Thank you so much for your kind birthday wishes! And also for the reminder and encouragement to make 60 my own! Thank you! I needed that:)
I don’t know why but I’ve spent a great deal of my life worrying about being attractive to men. Just around the time I turned 50, which is also when I experienced a “spiritual opening” (for lack of a better term), I realized that all the time and energy I put into to how I looked and the reasons why basically amounted to nothing.
Having said that, it’s not completely gone and I wonder why such a thing would even be important to me. It’s certainly less important than it was and is a work in progress. Aging might push me along a little faster:)
By the way, post-menopause is wonderful! After going through menopause with the hot flashes and the lack of sleep due to hot flashes, this is heaven. Aside from not tolerating heat as well as I once did, I haven’t had any other side affects. Good news! and Good luck!
Thank you again for your birthday wishes, your kind words, and everything you shared!
Always so Grateful for you!
Hello again Lisa,
Maybe the card was a bit weird, I don’t know?
What does that mean anyway, “the new”;
I mean every decade has been very different and they have all been perfect in their own way!
Oh, well, I meant well, that’s the main thing hahaha!
The affirmation I shared in the article will be helpful to you to bring forth the powerful woman that you are more: “I am 100% comfortable being the wise, beautiful, fun, and sexy woman that I am!”
You can write it on a post-it note and put it up on your bathroom mirror and say it to yourself out loud every time you see it.
Thank you for sharing your post-menopause experience! That’s exactly my experience as well, and I’m only a few weeks in.
I still have some issues with sleep as my hormones wakes me up at 4 AM many times, telling me to rise and shine, and that’s way too early for me to get up.
But it’s getting better on all fronts, so I think it’s just a balancing thing.
Anyway,
It’s always great chatting with you! 😊
Hope you have a wonderful rest of the day! ☀️
Hi Maria –
No, the birthday card wasn’t weird at all! I think what the card is referring to when it says “the new”,” is a saying that’s been circulating around in recent years implying that 60 year old’s, or really anyone at any age, are actually younger than their chronological age suggests, hence, “the new” 60, 50, 40, etc…
For instance, “50 is the new 30.” Does that make sense?
Yes, I think the affirmation you shared is very powerful and helpful and everything else you posted regarding worrying about losing your looks. I can actually feel the difference just reading it. It’s a great motivator in shifting my attitudes. And I’m definitely happier in many ways than I was when younger!
It’s always great chatting with you too!
Wishing you the best…all the time!
Ah, yes, that makes sense, thanks for the explanation Lisa. 😊
And I’m glad to hear that the article and affirmation helped you shift your thoughts/attitude!