Remembering Last Christmas (Personal: When I lost my home)

Last year around this time, believe it or not but I was actually casting out devils and sprinkling “holy water” around my home because I believed that it would protect me from loosing it.

It makes me laugh now that I think back (how silly human beings are sometimes) but it wasn’t a fun time at the time.

I did everything in my power to be able to continue living there, not only crazy stuff like that (I told you I’ve done some crazy shit in the past! lol) because that’s what desperation leads to (until you wake up) but nothing I did worked and eventually I had to move out.

It wasn’t fun at all around this time last year and up until around February this year (2015) I believe it was when I finally had to move out because I couldn’t pay my rent and was in debt to my landlords.

So last Christmas was not fun at all, it was a really heartbreaking and sad time in my life.

I did celebrate it with some friends though but whom I also around that same time had to break up with because they were draining me with their constant negativity and moaning about life.

All these challenges I had (or crises) lead me to turn back to my previous beliefs and suddenly I was all in again, believing in God, praying and doing all kinds of other “spiritual” things.

Desperation does that until your awakening is complete and when there’s no more beliefs to ever again get a hold of you. When you have seen through them, and maybe even many times before, the final seeing eventually destroys every remaining bit of a belief held in the mind, guaranteed.

I had awakened from God already when I lived in Scandinavia but as the process goes you do fall back sometimes especially if the beliefs has been really strong ones and you are looking for solutions to your challenges and even a very difficult life crises.

Here’s an old article about that:

mariaerving.com/letting-go-of-god

And an even older article that came to mind about crises:

mariaerving.com/spiritual-crisis-spiritual-awakening-process

So I fell back into believing in God (even if I have never been religious or anything like that) and I know now that that whole experience with me praying and believing and so on (and having spiritual experiences that strengthened those beliefs) all happened because they helped me wake up, so despite of my losses I “won” the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life;

The awakening from God and spirituality itself.

That’s the number one thing in my entire life that has brought me more joy and freedom than anything else that has ever happened to me.

But back to the article and my personal story from last year around this time;

Not only was I loosing my home and friends, but I also lost my beloved cat.

I remember I was desperately trying to save my cat’s life by praying for him, giving him healing and so on (in addition to the medicines the vet told me to give him obviously), but eventually he got too sick and I had to let him go.

(He had an incurable disease that no one knows where it comes from but that eventually leads to death for all cats that gets it).

At this point I remember I had just enough money to be able to pay for the vet to put him to sleep and I don’t think I ever told you this, I don’t think I have shared this with you before.

I remember I had around 60 Euros and that was it and that was also about what the bill came on so after that there were days here and there where I lived on potatoes and mayo.

And then of course I lost my home too as you can remember.

So last Christmas was not a fun time for me and there were a lot of tears, lots of them.

So many things has happened since then. 

Life is completely different for me now;

I got over the grief from loosing my cat around the same time I had to move out from my apartment;

I remember the last time I went to his grave (I buried his body myself since some of the dead bodies that are suppose to be cremated are actually sold and made into dog and cat food and then sold in the supermarkets) and felt that I could say one last goodbye to him without feeling sadness.

The timing of things was such that I knew it was the last time I would visit his grave and I felt okay with that.

Around that same time the day came when my landlord finally told me to move out, it was when the grieving time was naturally over and life had it that way that I could (and had to) move on with my life, so I moved in with some friends for a while.

Liten, as my cat’s name was, he was my little guy and I had known him his whole life (12 years or so), since the day he was born (his mom was Medusa) and he continues to live in my heart just like all my previous pets do, they are all still with me in my heart.

He was my bestest of friends and I know only people who are cat-lovers (or pet-lovers) can fully understand this, but loosing him was really tough, but at the same time the love we shared was (and still is) bigger than any sadness or amount of tears can ever be.

Since last Christmas, or since I lost my home, I have been living in a suitcase basically but I have had so many wonderful experiences and met so many wonderful dogs and cats while doing house and pet sitting all over Costa del Sol here in Spain; I have done so many wonderful things since then that I will always remember and cherish.

Right now I’m sitting on the sun terrasse at a small hotel where I currently live (where I do house and pet sitting) until I’ll go to India in January and it’s amazing how this could unfold, I could never ever had imagined this – ever!

So even if last Christmas and the events that happened around that time was one of the most challenging in my life it has also since then been one of the most amazing and wonderful years of my life.  

Here I am, about a year later after all my losses and tribulations, with a feeling of enormous gratitude because of where I am today in my own growth and consciousness.

I feel grateful for the experiences I have had and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m transitioning to the second part of my life and everything that has happened has been leading up to this, every single event and happening was meant to happen the way they did.

And my growth too, my awakening which has lead me to let go of everything I thought I would do with my life (except for my writing which is something that I will always do) and the completion of the first part of my life.

I had to go through those tribulations in order to see and realize Truth, it was all meant to happen the way it did.

The next “chapter” in my life is not a new chapter but a whole new book! 🙂

That’s my experience of everything; it has all come to a culmination and completion and I am now ready for the new which includes a new career as well; a new beginning which is the second, and best part, of my life!

This Christmas is definitely different in so many ways and I am soooo glad I didn’t give up and moved back to Scandinavia because all that was waiting there for me would have been to apply for welfare and then be forced to get a job somewhere which I would have hated.

So even though money has been scarce and there were days I didn’t have any food besides from potatoes and carrots, I am deeply grateful that I just kept going and doing my own thing.

Thank God I didn’t give up on myself! (Nevermind the God word, it’s just an expression people use, me included).

Not that I would have anyway even if I had moved back, but when I moved away from Scandinavia I promised myself to never again go back (except for visiting family etc) and I wanted to keep that promise.

I don’t even remember how the pet and house sitting thing started, but the universe brought those options and alternatives before me somehow, probably as an idea but maybe someone asked me if I could do it, I don’t remember at the moment.

My point is that I chose to continue believing in myself and trusting my path and so instead of running back home I said yes to and accepted the alternative in order to have roof over my head, and wow, did that bring me a lot of joy!

I highly recommend the experience, I have lived in amazing homes and have had the company of many wonderful pets that I have come to love very much.

It has brought me many cats and dogs to love and houses to enjoy so I am very very happy about that.

And not to mention the time to pursuit what inspires me and the opportunity to continue doing what I enjoy most; to write and share my experiences and journey with my readers.

Which brings me back to the now;

Here I am, at this beautiful little hotel that I have all to myself until the beginning of next year and a wonderful little dog that I love so much to keep me company.

The sun is shining, the weather is wonderful (around 20 degrees Celsius today) and after I have published this article I will have the great joy of going out on a long walk in nature with my dog-friend Skuggi while seeing butterflies and hearing birds sing around me.

God I love summer! (Winter in Spain is very much like spring/early summer in Scandinavia).

And in a few weeks time I’m off to India!!

I can’t believe it, I am so excited (and a little bit nervous), but what I feel most of all is that “this is alignment”; I’m in da flow baby! 😀

Wherever I am from this moment on is going to be better than ever before because life is different now, I am different, and times are different and about to change again as I say goodbye to Spain and hello to India.

Where will I be next Christmas? I don’t know.

Maybe in Peru or maybe in my favorite place on earth; California (I love Los Angeles!), or maybe it’ll be some other place I have never even thought about before, we’ll see.

And so the journey continues, .. 🙂

♥♥♥

I don’t know if you know this but I started to post pictures from my everyday life on Instagram around when I moved to Spain, so go and have a look by clicking on the image below and you’ll get redirected to my profile.

(One of the first five or so pictures was actually from when I was waiting for the flight to Malaga, Spain; Here’s me and my cat). 

Life is unfolding perfectly.
Yes indeed; Life is unfolding perfectly. See all my pics from when I moved to Spain up until now and follow my continuous journey as I travel to India in January.

♥♥♥

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Comments

  1. Val

    What a heartfelt story ♥️ I am a big cat lover and have a cat too, so I really felt it when I was reading about Liten’s passing ♥️
    There is lots to take from this story, and I know it was a long time ago so I’m not sure if your views have changed since but can you elaborate slightly on this part:
    “The awakening from God and spirituality itself.
    That’s the number one thing in my entire life that has brought me more joy and freedom than anything else that has ever happened to me.”
    That is a big statement so it got my attention! 😄

  2. Hi Val,

    Yes, it was a very difficult time in my life, one of the biggest crisis I’ve been through when I lost my home and a lot of other stuff that happened simultaneously at that time, so it was not a fun time in my life, that’s for sure.

    But it all served the higher purpose for my life and I know it had to happen exactly the way it did so it was all perfect, absolutely perfect.

    The crisis had to happen partly because I needed to wake up from the concept of God, and this is really difficult to explain in a short comment because there are so many things to mention that are intertwined with other things that happened both inside me and in my life at large and where I was at that time in my awakening process as well.

    So I might have to come back to this some other time lol!

    There absolutely is a “God” (or a god-force/source), but it’s not what most people think, and it wasn’t like I was religious, I have never been, but even what most “spiritual” people think ‘god’ is, is not what it actually is either.

    When you realize that you are Life itself, consciousness itself, and that everything is consciousness, the ‘seeking’ ends, but at the same time, I was never a “seeker”, I never resonated with that word.

    I was always a ‘founder’, and what I ‘found’ when I woke up from the concepts of god and spirituality, I found the ‘real’ god, and that spirituality only is a tool that the ego/conditioned self uses in the awakening process, but then at a certain point, spirituality (as it is understood by the majority of humanity) is no longer needed so it falls away too.

    It’s one of those things in life that you just have to experience for yourself and then you will ‘know’ what it means.

    But yeah, it had to happen the way it did;

    “God” had to yank me out of my beliefs (some conscious, but some also completely hidden and unconscious, which became very clear in the experience I went through) and the way God/the Divine/Life did that was through the crisis I went through as it really had me question absolutely everything when it came to my beliefs about not only God, but a lot of other things too.

    Anyways, a lot of things happened all at once, but then afterwards I could see clearly why it had to happen the way it did, and then I could only feel gratitude and a huge relief (and joy) to have been released from things I didn’t even know were hindering my full life’s expression and that actually was in my way.

  3. I might also need to add that of course spirituality is still part of your life after awakening, just like everything else is, but now spirituality is about my relationship with myself, and that which could be called “God”, which also is Life itself.

    So “spirituality” has a completely different ‘functionality’ now if you will, it is no longer used as a tool, but it is you, it’s a (natural) part of your wholeness and your relationship with yourself and Source.

    (And there is nothing more beautiful or valuable in life than having that connection/oneness and relationship. It is, and means, everything to me.)

  4. Val

    I completely understood what you meant as I read your reply, I can’t put it into words, but I get it 😊 Thank you for going into detail though, it makes sense to me now.
    And yes that connection is everything and there is nothing like it. I also find it very painful when I “loose it” when I slip back into unconsciousness, for example when I used to drink alcohol, which is why I stopped drinking as I realised the alcohol cuts off my connection to myself and life, even if I have only one glass of wine. So when I realised that, it was such an easy decision to make to stop.

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing Maria, I really enjoy your stories and you are such a great example. I also often find myself in a “Maria blogs rabbit hole” lol! 😂 So many good things to read! 🙏

  5. It’s normal to ‘lose it’ and then get back in alignment again on and off for a while, and the awareness of how painful it is to be out of sync is what helps you to value the alignment more, and then also make choices that are more aligned as well, such as for example quitting doing things that takes you out of it.

    And alignment means living in alignment with your own true individuality, so for some people alcohol is not an issue, while it makes some other people feel disconnected.

    Just mentioning this so that people who read this knows that alignment is 100% unique to each person, and that there is not a set of ‘spiritual rules’ like for example that “you shouldn’t drink alcohol if you want to live an aligned life”. 😊

    For some drinking alcohol is totally fine, and for some it’s not.

    I’m really happy for you that you have come to the conclusion that alcohol is not for you and that you feel more aligned without it, that’s wonderful! 😊

    Thank you also for the last part in your comment and you kind words, and I’m glad to hear you enjoy spending time here on my website. 😊

  6. Val

    Oh absolutely!! I have an amazing uncle and auntie who are approaching their 60s who love to drink vodka lol, they drink it all the time and it doesn’t interfere with their life one bit, and they are both healthy and happy people 😄 so it’s 100% individual for sure.

    And you are most welcome, thank you for the incredible content, I’m sure it helps so many others like it’s been helping me for years now ♥️

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